wow word travels fast...

lol i'm home. And very tired...lol but i have to write about it yet im not sure if i should. Ash get your butt online right now!!! We absolutely have to talk girlfriend!!

OMFG!! butterflies like wo!! ok g2g soon so write about it later. U do kno what im talking about right?!!

So i went to church today!! thats sumthing i have failed to do in quite a while. even tho not going goes against all structure and the method by which my family exists. We have just been out of the ordinary with everything that has been occuring lately. But its all good.
And I cleaned my room too!!! Watermelon jollyranchers!! total niceness. Its been at least a month since i've seen my beautiful royal blue carpet. Now i can actually enjoy its ugliness!! (ok so its not really that ugly. I should learn to not be so very judgemental )
I talked to ryan on the phone for like 2 hours and its put me in this just awesomely philosophical mood. I guess his intelligence and wit rubbed off on me.;-) So hes suppose to pick me up tomorrow around 1:30. But i'm scared i'm not sure how i should accesorize. Shoud i go punk or just semi punk? or just preppy or i dunno. no def not preppy. but I wanna make a good impression on his mom. And all this talk about her being structured and just the way she worships and stuff has intimidated me. But first impressions last so i think this is something important. but if i just don't think about and be confident things should work out. So basically i should just stop thinking and just be me. and then it will all be good. Yea thats what i'll do. But then i ask myself should it really matter? Or am i making too big a deal out of it and being silly. People should like me for who i am and thats how it should be. Ok all is good now that I've got that settled. or have i?
lol so neways...its really fucking cold in here. so i think i'm gonna go take a shower now before bore the hell out of everyone and drive myself insane by thinking much too much.
PS. Sorry i did not get to call u nell...the day went by so quick and i had this feeling that u wern't home anyway. So i just didn't.

O yea and i just read andrues deadjournal. Well u see thats the thing andrue. and i knew this would be a problem but sometimes u gotta take things into your own hands. I'm not gonna be the one to im u or email u first. not this time. I have nothing to say sorry about. You are just as much the issue as i am. It really sucks that it has to come down to this. but i dunno i just am not gonna do it this time. its up to you...and by the way it would be totally cool if we could be good again. It was nice the way we used to be.

I am so fuckin confused about absolutely everything. but i think im just tired. The more i think about things the more it all seems better. I'm finally home by the way...lol It took me 3 days to escape my moms. We had fun but i missed my friends.
Looks like monday is still on with Ryan. Yayness like wo!! lol and its ok if u were tired tonight Rye i understand. I was too!!
I think i have plans for new years eve now. Nick said he could pick me up and drop me off and stuff. But silly me i closed the im window that had his number in it so now i have to go look it up. We're just gonna hang and watch scary movies. Should be great!!
And i dunno whats going on with andrew. apparently i hear that he wanted to reconcile. whatever. i guess like i said i kinda bagged it and threw it in a closet becuz he pissed me off so much. So i dunno if that will ever happen. I wanna say i could care less. But thats pretty heartless. and im not sure if its really true. I'll have to think on it some more...whatever happens will happen. If not it wasn't meant to be...
O yea and greg is a sweety...lol he says such cute stuff. but i think he says it to all his friends who r girls so it does not mean as much. your a great friend and i forgive u for what u said a million times over. Just thought i'd put a shout out for u too. ;-)*wink wink*
Nell i've thought about u alot in the last couple of days. I love u and i miss u like soo much. I'll try and call ya tomorrow. its kinda late now. I hope everything has been good. Im so freakin excited for u!! Did your mom say yes? ok mmm i'm going to eat cheesecake now. So =P lol ni night everyone

i made a cheescake. mmmm...it smells so good. o yea and i made cookies too. yummy...

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i'm so psyched!! I finagled katherine into telling me what aunt g is getting me for xmas. they went to the guitar store yesterday!!! ahhhhhhh

o yea lol I think i've finally found a time to fit ryan into my schedule. =p Monday!! We're gonna spend the day at the mall and catch a movie probably. It'll be great fun!! Can't wait!!

haha that is so funny. Out of sheer boredom i just read andrue's deadjournal. haha thats what he thinks...

wow Christmas is so much different this year. Its kinda disappointing. I guess its all part of growing up. but i just wish i was little again...without a care in the world. the thrill of santa coming on xmas morning is gone now and theres nothing to look forward to anymore. But like ryan said remember the reason for the season. Alot of people don't and they just get so mixed up in the commercialism of buying presents. They forget the real reason families are suppose to gather together for the holiday season. and i'm so greatful i have friends to remind me of this. I hope everyone stops to appreciate all that they have this christmas. Sometimes u don't remember until its gone. Peace and love to all I hope u have a wonderful holiday season ciao!!

O yea my new email is airgoddess05@yahoo.com. My msn one is royally screwed. For some odd reason my computer won't let me check it. Quite depressing. o well ttfn!

Ahhhhh!!! I've been cleaning for like 3 hours straight. I'm going crazy. Ready to faint...Someone call me so i can escape from this craziness!!...

lol well that was an exaggeration. I'm rather dramatic sometimes when i write. lol don't mind me

madly in love ay! cool : )

lol omg! i just told nick about me and nell and its so funny. He is in such shock. Its pitiful that he never knew after passing our notes in theo class for so very long. U'd think some people would put 2 and 2 together. lol j/k but its all silly. I have to go soon. I got a 5:30 shrink appointment...

ahhh Ryan can never call me its so sad. I'm either always online, not home, or in the shower. Maybe i should try calling him sometime. Too bad hes out shopping now. :-(

So today was nells xmas party. It was ok i guess...When i got home i fell asleep on the couch holding bruno. Twas just adorable. Then the phone rings and i hear nells voice "I called just to say i love you so bye bye now." And shortly after, "Im going to kill u i was sleeping!! YOU CALLED JUST TO SAY THAT!" *click* but it was really sweet i wish i was less cranky.
So i decided to get up and go online because i had a killer caffeine headache and couldn't sleep anymore anyway. Its so funny. the whole time i was sleeping i was reciting numbers in my head. Someones phone number...hmm i wonder whos...lol.
So i guess i forgot to mention how greg and i got in a fight last night. Well we're ok now. Im not getting into the specifics. He just said something about Ryan that really hurt and i got pretty defensive. but its all good. He knos not to cross me that way again.

O yea that kid nick in my theo class that i had a crush on a while back imed me the other day. lol too bad im madly in love with someone else now. Hes cool as a friend tho. He invited me to hang out with him and his friends sometime. They made cookies today. and apparently had some trouble even figuring out how to turn on the stove. haha pitiful. ok well bye bye now

wow i am just totally speechless...im sitting on clouds basking in the sun...write more later im off to take a shower and then we're going shopping...

kinda dark yet really awesome...


To ye of whom believe in fate, pray hear my message clear;
For when you cross the crystal gate, succumb to dread and fear
There's no escape from hate and lust or shelter from desires;
Your soul shall dwell among the frost of omnipresent fires

So if ye choose to walk fate's path, beware the smouldering coals;
Misplace thy step and feel the wrath of innocent tortured souls
Fear not the viper or the asp, your soul they shall not taint;
But take one sip and feel the grasp of many fallen saints

For fate, it has no faith in ye
It mocks, it spurns and chokes thee
So save thyself and take control
Before the three cause heads to roll
Cross the abyss of your mind
Decide on what to leave behind
Hatred, Lust, Desire, Greed
Each one contains true evil's seed

Floodgates of blood have been raised high, among demons and dread;
Beware the three who share the eye, for them your flesh shall shred
Now taste the cup of bitter wine, heed not what people say
For they shall sprawl in pits of slime, you'll breathe another day

So view the world and all it's death; It's rancid cold corruption
and as you gasp your final breath, don't make the crude assumption
that fate assigns you to a place; Heaven, Hell or Purgatory,
All fate will do is claw your face, 'twas they that killed your story

For fate attempts true homicide
Causes spontaneous suicide
Outrun your phobias one by one
Resist the blade, Despise the gun
Cross the chasms of your soul
Cut all strings, and take control
For Greed, Desire, Lust and Hate
Will start the flood and crack the gate

So, ye of whom believe in fate, my message now you've heard;
and should you pass the crystal gates, remember every word
Abandon hate or lust and dread while enduring your descent
It is thy choice within thy head; "To anger or repent?"

grrr!! i hate andrue so fucking much .die die die!!! He is the biggest fucking asshole in the fucking world. I should mind my own business huh? well i think when it has to do with my friends and defending them its my business. Just because hes jelous i take their side and not his doesn't mean he can come bitching to me. If he would grow up maybe i wouldn't have to. But he really has no freakin argument to go by. I don't fucking care anymore hes not worth my time thats for sure. Go to fucking hell...thats all i have to say...

So anyways!! *Big ass smile!* today was great! It actually wasn't that bad. Despite all the complaining i do. I had 2 cups of coffee and a caffeine pill today yet i still managed to fall asleep thru 7th and 8th period and then come home and sleep for 4 hours. Guess i really needed it. Its helped pass by the time until ryan gets home from work too.;-) lol j/p rye. well not really im serious ok! but its definately the highlight of my day.:-)

So ash and i have been having issues lately. Its all that girly moodiness. thats what i blame it on. but we're always good again. And i wanna thank her for not giving up on me.:-)

Oooo tomorrow is a half day!! im going to the mall after school to do xmas shopping. Charging up the credit card! the sky is the limit!
mmm aunt g just handed me some banana milk shake and its reaaallly good...

Quite frankly i have alot to say. but so much happened today that i don't have the ambition to write about it all. Everyday is just so bittersweet that i don't kno how to take it. I suppose i should look at the good stuff that happened and think of it as "sweet" not "bitter". only time will tell...

almost got all of my theo project done...

lol well that was alot of fun. I never really used yahoo instant messenger that much. but i think i like it alot better now. Soo many smlies!!! I like the one that flutters her eyes or whatever. lol the way the stepsister in Cinderella does. well i'm off to take a shower...

"It's a beautiful day. Don't let it slip away."
U2

"Your eyes are a window to your soul, if you don't open up, I may never know!"

got in afight with andrew too. for some reason everyone thinks that i would purpously want to hurt nell. but its ok i can make it through this...

yay!! TGIF! i came home and fell asleep. thats the great thing about friday. :-) You don't have to worry bout hw. And bruni gave me lots of kisses. i love him so much. such a cutie pie.
Well considering that today was friday the 13th it was fairly good!! I think that thursday the 12th is actually a much scarier day. sooo many terrifying things happened that day. So don't be intimidated by friday the 13th. I'm telling u now be afraid of thursday the 12th!! everybody mark your calendars and run!!!
so umm yea anyways. Larissa and i got in a fight again yesterday. God that girl and me are always fighting about something or other. but i was too tired today to hold a grudge. So we just made up. Usually i give her dirty looks for at least a week. i think i actually learned something and applied it this time. Its not worth it to hold a grudge. Forgive and forget. Life is too short to waste it away hating...

well i guess i'm just in a quotes mood lately...hmm

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true...
All I want for Christmas
Is you... -Mariah Carey

"All love that has not friendship for its base,/
Is like a mansion built upon the sand."

haha funny quote!
"It is my sincerest hope that you get to know your gay brothers and lesbians sisters. Realize that we are just as human as you, just as spiritual as you, and that we have many more things in common than differences." --Venreth

sooo... guess what!! we have a half day today. they r going to cut 6th, 7th and 8th period off!!! which means no theo test!! And i have double free 3rd and fourth. So i only have one class left. total and complete awesomeness!! ok bye bye!

your such a cutiepie! my lil bruniepie!!! i am pitiful i kno :-) ok off to sleep now!

i just had a blueberry muffin yummy! so i guess i better do hw now. lol i fell asleep waiting for nelle to call me at like 8. and surprisingly no one is online right now so there's absolutely nothing to keep me from doing my hw. maybe i'll sleep an hour or 2 more first. i seem to be really tid tid still... i have to wash clothes and take a shower too. yuckies. o wait! it all makes sense again!!! lol i understand why nobody is online now.
They r all band geeks!!! and our school is hosting an xmas special tomorrow!! i wanna go so i hope it doesn't get postponed because of bad weather. Especially to watch everyone look retarded in their red vests. i feel so bad for them!! lol
well its really cold in here so i think i'll go back up to my room again. brrrrrrshkebrrrrrr! im shivering...

detention sucks!!!!

Golly G... Goshness... im so excited!!!

Wow that was a tear jerking session. Altho alot of sessions with my shrink r pretty moving... He said alot of things that flattered me and made me wanna cry. i feel special now. But i guess thats his job. :-) Well i have a detention tomorrow! uck! i have to write an essay bout how its wrong to have your shirt untucked! How ridiculous is that? so stupid. but o well. So i best go do hw. nelle is prob trying to call me so i'll get offline soon...

I'm finally home!!!! Larissa's surprise party went great. Whirly ball is actually alot of fun!! after we went to the mall. Just me larissa, and nell. We ran into greg and he hung with us for about an hour. OMG! and we saw the waiter in friendly's who gave me his phone number last summer! It was really awkward because he had to wait on us. I ended up sleeping over larissa's. We watched moulin rouge. It really is a great movie but well i won't comment on how much of a turn on it is... lol j/k but it must really be for a guy. instant hard on. after that we pretty much went to sleep. larissa gave me her old tarot deck because i bought her the dragon tarot. i like her old deck alot its really easy to interpret. so im happy i have one at least now!! even if its not the one i want. My mom should be here soon shes taking me to see harry potter. nell is gonna meet us there. we'll prob play in the arcade after. ciao!

dreams are not lost, they merely fall beneath the ashes, of what is left to the soul, from where it starts to where it catches...and this is our time until it passes...and it passes....
another ingenious thing that someone told me tonight ;-)

Room Without Windows
No sound, nothing to give ease
Such tense life in this peace
Insanity in this solitude
No direction in this rest
Looking for something he can't see
Seeing something he refuses
No one to tell him why
Wonders of the world outside
Nothing to give a clue
Looks for answers to life
Lying in the little room
Doesn't want to be free
Complains that he's not
Asks no questions
Still looking for answers
Lying like a tree fallen in the woods
Feels like a fallen pillar of a temple
Just a toothpick thrown to the ground
Even the termites don't care


by no one

*sigh* i think i'm inlove. maybe i souldn't talk to them nemore. but wow this is really bad. so dreamy he is... i'll tellya later nell

WHO IS IT!!!!!!!!! LOL J/K

So tomorrow...oops i can't tlak about tomorrow its a surprise. I'll tell u what happens tomorrow on sunday or when i get home. :-) lol ummm... well i feel like i have somehting better to do. o yea i'm gonna read that book. the priestess of avalon. today was a pretty ok day. nothing exciting happened but nothing bad either. so it was ok. i have a really bad crush on someone but i can't say who becuz they read my blog sometimes. Melts my heart tho. g wish seems like i can't even say nething in my own blog nemore.lol. ok i'm gonna go read now. ciao! (its become my trademark I was told today:-)

lol im in bio class!! me and greg finished early!!! ahhh im gonna get in trouble g2g!!

omg!! u admitted it! lol j/k

hehe i am a cutie arent i lol j/k im a sleeze ahhhhhh lol j/k

ahhhh! u said o dear! lol thats soo cute. and i just so happen to like my elephant ok?
umm well i fell asleep around 10 last night. i set my alarms for 1 in the morning but apparently i didn't hear them becuase i didn't wake up until 4 this morning. and well i was really thirsty when i woke up and drank like a whole bottle of grape juice. when i don't even like grape juice.it was just the picture of oddness. but in any case i decided that since it was suppose to be a snow day neway that i would just stay home and sleep. because usually days that r suppose to be snow days r completely pointless. but in the end i ended up waking up 2 hours ago. it feels great to have actually slept. neway i just found out that my moms bringing me to see harry potter sunday. good times. well i have to make flash cards for spanish. ciao

i kno your menu rocked!! or ruled!! or was shebanging!! lol thats it lol, coolness, im soo proud of you lol but um yea get online!!!
hehe :P
oh dear now youve got me sticking out my tongue

p/s cute ass elephant, hehe

i finally finished!! and my menu looks awesome. i'm so proud. not really tired nemore either. so i'm just sitting here talking to ryan at 2:00 in the morning about conforming to society. And religion. and other random things. i'm also debating wether or not i should do some more on my global project or risk it and hope i can do it all tomorrow. maybe i can ask for an extention. that would be very nice.and i kno i'll do alot better with one more day. this past week has been really stressful. always knoing that i have hw to do. it sucks. i thought vacation was suppose to be fun? The best day of my vacation was saturday. and now its over!! back to school. until xmas. thank god i'm one day closer to friday. :-)

i'm gonna die!! i'm so tired. come save me. no more schoolwork. gonna run away form home. me and nell got it all figured out

"Death, pain, and torture, by any other name, cannot sanitize the great injustice we do to animals."

Robert Cohen, Sun, 03 Feb 2002

"Nothing will benefit human health or increase the chances for survival of life on earth as the evolution to a vegetarian diet."

-- Albert Einstein

:-( nelle left and i'm all alone and bored again. i kno cry me a river. but i hate life. i can't wait till i can finally drive. 194 more days!!! i dunno how i'm gonna get thru the rest of the weekend tho. 2 more days till school. and i really gotta do my global project. *sigh* so maybe i should call it a night and get some sleep. hmmm... i'm thinkin not! waitin on a phone call bad i kno.
Ryan is tellin me i should join youth group. and i really wanted to b4 but i dunno now. Plus its really hard to get my family to leave early enuff .
I want to sing!!! lol nell got me in a singing mood. so i'm just playing all these good songs and singing my little heart out when no one can hear me. lol
ummm... what do ya say when i guy asks what they'd have to do to get ya? My answer was: "I dunno thats kinda a silly question but just be urself."
Ahh and i burned my thumb when i was making nell pizza. there's a line on the bottom of it and it really hurts! please kiss it make it better!
i think i had too much coffeee!

yayness! nelle's here and we're doing hw together!!!! ttyl

So i guess i would call my Thanksgiving this year bittersweet. It was kinda like everyone gang up on the teenager of the house morning. and since i woke up with the attitude i don't wanna deal with nobody everyone just go fuck off. Things didn't run too smoothely.
This year Thanksgiving wasn't really the same. Usually everyone comes to gma's to eat. but this year our family was kinda split up and katherine and I went to My Mom's boyfriends sister's house to be with his family.
My mom arrived around 1:30. So i spent the whole morning packing and getting ready to go. When she got there Bruni decided to run off so i couldn't bring him with me. :-( when we got to danny's sisters house i didn't really kno anybody and it just kinda sucked. He did have a niece who was almost my age but she was all like i'm 18, and i'm a senior, and i'm skinny, and pretty, so i didn't wanna talk to her. But one funny thing was i got to drink wine and she couldn't. lol. so in a way that was a plus even tho i almost said no I don't want any. I think that since i'm allowed to drink alcohol the thrill of doing something i'm not suppose to be doing is gone now so i don't care anymore. I'm just kinda like yea sure that nice. thanks alot.
The food also wasn't the same. I'm lucky to have a family that caters to my vegetarianism. Every year we have like every food imaginable and leftovers for at least a week. Thats why i'm happy to be home again. I think the fact that thanksgiving wasn't going to be the same this year didn't really hit me until about 6 last night. After we had already eaten dinner and we were on our way home. We were in the car and like a sap i just burst into tears. lol. i had no clue why. Part of it might be that I have so many projects due this Wednesday and its just overwhelming. The other part is not being with family and other stuff. well i'm getting kinda tired now. So i'm either gonna go to sleep or work on part of my global project. ttyl

lol have fun!!! i know i ate plenty lol

Its thanksgiving!!!!!! i love food!

It's not for you to judge
From all this kind of stuff
I'm only half of what you see

But if I were you
I would notice me
If I were you
I would wait for me
If I were you
I would easily hold me and say
It's all gonna be OK

-If I were you, Kasey Chambers

hey! its a snow day! yay! i love watching bruni pounce around in the snow its so cute. he sticks his nose in the snow and comes out with a white beard. then he gallops because its so hard for his little legs to walk. lol
Danny called earlier which means i might be going to mom's tonight. its my choice and i havn't decided yet. If i go i have to make sure i'll have computer access to work on the three projects that r due on my return to school. :-( what fun! i'll spend my vacation doing hw.
But i cleaned my room last night and now i'm washing lots and lots of clothes. I also perfected my altar. I'm so proud of it. its really cool. and my room has that old feeling back again. Its chock full a chi. so coolness.
So things left to do:
give bruni a bath,
shovel the side walk,
finish washing clothes,
find something to eat!
lol ciao!

i think i wanna spoil bruno tonight. i have missed him so much. i didn't realize how much i let friends distract me. but i'm not gonna do that anymore. i wanna be more analytical this time around. and I am determined to prioritize. which means i gotta go study for global and biology. and bruno is a priority too. i love him alot so no more talky to my friends time to think positive...
p.s. that boy in one of my classes that i'm not going to mention because i wanna keep this totally confidential wrote me a note today!!!! eeeeeeeeeee! but i'm not gonna get too excited cuz it probably means nothing. but i'm still hopeful!! :-)

what a long day. i decided this morning that i didn't feel like talking to anyone. so i didn't all day. i have been mute. and i came to the conclusion that muteness encourages observancy and observancy leads to learning which in turn also leads to less trouble. i have to go now actually because i have an appointment with my shrink tonight. ciao!

its waaaayyyy too early for my liking. I wanna go back to sleep right now. in my nice warm bed. instead i have to endure 2 periods of torture b4 my free again. o well bells about to ring for hr g2g

as u can tell i am just learning how to use marquees. lol . hopefully i can add music soon. and a bunch of other cool stuff. Just humor me its helping me to get my mind off the shit in my life.

I love Bruno!!!

Homecoming night tears running down my face
just thinking of everyway possible to end this fucking pain
36 just keeps popping into my head
razor blades by the bed
medicine cabinet calling my name
seems like a quick fix
but then i realize what this would accomplish...nothing but petty fame
How could i be so selfish?
I'm just not ready to forgive myself or my mom or my dad
for bringing me into this world and making me endure so much pain
I wanna die right now
just take a gun and go pow
slash my wrists and watch the blood gush out
ciao!
I can't live like this any longer
somebody save me from the rain running down my face

i just spent my entire saturday working on a royally fucking stupid global history project. someone save me!!
This torture that my teachers put me thru. Its just not worth it.
I just made some chocolate pudding. and my chocolate cake is almost done. It just needs to cool now. then i will make more chocolate cake. Because i feel like baking and i like chocolate alot.
Tonight is homecoming. Its from 7 to 10. But i hate my highschool and i don't kno who my friends are anymore so im not going. I guess in a way i'm also kinda punishing myself for the bad grades i got on my report card.(eyes tearing up) Its just me and bruni. We'll have fun together. and then maybe i'll do more homework or work on my theology project. Who knos what im destined to do. It could be like last night and i'll fall asleep really early. altho its already 6:00 so its too late to be like last night. Last night i fell asleep as soon as i got home at 4:00 and slept all night. That just shows that i can even sleep after coffee. Because an hour b4 i fell asleep i had a large coffee coolatta. strange i kno.
Well i'm the only one left on my buddy list anymore. Everyone must be getting ready for homecoming. doing their hair and nails and all that stuff. maybe i'll take a shower and get all pretty and put my purrrtttty dresses on just for fun. o janelle just called shes going to the dance. grandma asked if she was going with a girl or a guy and who she was dancing with. god what a bitch! so um yea i gotta go now... hope everyone has a good night.

my oral hygenist says i have to floss more. :-( usually she says i am a really good brusher but this time she said i had to floss more. Well at least i don't ahve any caveties.
Guess what?! gma bought the good mozzarella sticks! they r sooooo yummmy! i love them so much. and soy milk too. yumms. well i go sleep soon. and gotta figure out what im wearing tomorrow. its class color day. so i have to find something red to wear. somebody hold me i feel like a being spoiled. lol. ok ni night

i hate my fucking school so much. but especially the faculty and staff. o well i don't wanna talk about it. :-(
off to do more hw...

i finally finished my hw! lol no i sat down to do my hw and fell asleep. for a couple of hours. then i was kinda sad because i wanted to watch this new show with jonathan taylor thomas in it but i missed it cuz i was asleep. :-( i used to have the biggest crush on him. sillyness. i just spent about an hour convincing greg that if i had to choose who to go out with him or odin it would be neither of them. i think uniforms are a good idea. that way hormone levels don't go mad. but now i should go to sleep. shouldn't have snuck that coffee earlier. ciao!

i guess i should do hw now...:-(

i didnt mean too!!! don't hate me!! i kno how much you love pens, please jesie i didnt mean to take it home ahhhhhhh!! im gonna get my butt whopped!!!
scared nelle

I've done all the homework i can possibly do until i get home so i'm just waiting for the library to close and my ride to get here now. I hope she comes soon because i have an appointment with my shrink tonight. If i miss this appointment i won't be able tog o to him anymore. and that would really suck. So that better not happen. not too much happened today. A couple people pissed me off. but thats about all. tomorrow is day four. I love day four! I have double free 7th and 8th period. and c lunch which means after lunch im done. So i should be able to get most or all of my homeowrk done. yay!
JANELLE WENT HOME WITH MY PURPLE PEN! ERRRRR!
so after my appointment when i get home tonight im just going to take a shower. a nice long one. i can't wait.
Lol and my toe still hurts form when larissa pushed me off a chair yesterday.!
tomorrow is comfy day so i have to go home and find some comfy clothes to wear.
and hopefully we will find out who was chosen for peer ministry soon. I can't wait! well g2g libraries closing soon.

well i did theology homework and she did latin. we're off to do geometry *gags incessantly*! wish us luck! if we don't come back in half an hour call the cops!

yay! Larissa's over and we're doing homework so i can't write much. We're pigging out on mozzarella sticks currently. I love mozzarella sticks! well post more later! ciao

this is a new easier to maintain layout that i think further reflects how i feel. Obviously im not done adding links and stuff. I'll do that later.

then again drop the hot cocoa i'll make it pepperment tea. I'm already fat enough. where r friends when i need them...

and tears flood my eyes...i can't be happy right now sorry. i knew i shouldn't have gone online. and i waited until 3:00 b4 i did. so that shoulda told me something.
I woke up and found out that uncle wes went hunting this morning and shot a deer. that was the first depressing thing. but i guess unless i have the power to ressurrect there's not much i can do. Then i dug my gameboy out from under my bed. It was fun for a while but then i realized why i stopped playing it a long time ago. It gets frustrating when u reach a high level and it take hours but then all the sudden u die and have to start all over again. that and the fact that i have alot of homework to do. i hate school so fucking much. why does our society have to be based around it? its really pretty stupid. when i'm president i'll change things. just as soon as i pull myself outta this depression. well i hope everyone's life is just dandy. i'm gonna go make some hot chocolate and listen to Pink while i wish everything could be different.

lol i think i have major mood swing problems this week. but neway nothing good has happened this week so i don't see a point in writing. o yea one good thing. larissa is going to homecoming with ryan! I'm so happy for her. she asked him yesterday. so thats one good thing. :-)
i guess lately i just feel like alot of my friends arn't really my friends any more. I dunno what happened. its probably not even true it just seems like it. but it hurts neways. on a brighter side (no im not all negative) i've also made alot of new friends. but i miss my old ones. :-(
I'm not sure if im doing anything this weekend. I really have to do alot of hw and studying. and i wanted to get some of my global project done but it just so happens that my locker decided to jam yesterday morning and the janitor still hasn't fixed it. so i have to go the whole weekend without my global binder that had the ruberic for my big project in it. o well i dunno nemore. i think its bad and it just gets worse.
Last night i was talking to nell when kristen imed her and told her to get offline so she could call her. It was important. at first it didn't seem like anything that bad. and nell said she probably just wanted to tell her about her new bf or something. so she signed off and said she would brb. but i didn't feel like waiting so i just went to bed. Now i really wish i had waited because it turns out kristen had been having really bad headaches and she has a cist in her brain. or sumthing like that. Even tho i really don't kno her very well i kno she means alot to nell. and i feel really selfish now for just going to bed like that. and not being there for nell. But hopefully kristen is gonna be ok. Her chances are good. So there is no reason to worry. I'm really glad Nell is ok too. When i found out this morning i thought she was gonna be really solemn and crying thru all her classes. so im glad she isn't and shes staying strong. But just like nell said in her blog please pray for her. Why do such horrible things have to happen to such good young people? People with so much potential.
so yea i started out talking about my weekend and then just kinda started to ramble. (I'm not at all in a good writing mood if u can tell. im sure u can.) My mom might come this weekend and we'll probably end up seeing a movie or sumthin. Either that or she'll call tomorrow and we'll spend the night in new london. what fun. o well i have to go now. uncle wes was suppose to call.

so today was ok. much better than yesterday. i had a physical after school. surprisingly i didn't burst out laughing.lol cuz i'm really ticklish. and every little thing makes my laugh. that is basically all that happened today. i gotta go do hw now. ciao!

i never really could relate with this song. I just always loved it. but then when i woke up this morning it took on a new meaning. now it feels like it was written by me.

I never win 1st place
I don't support the team
I can't take direction
And my socks are never clean
Teachers dated me
My parents hated me
I was always in a fight
'Cause I can't do nothing right

Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
Can't take the person staring back at me

I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't want to be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

LA told me
You'll be a pop star
All you have to change
Is everything you are
Tired of being compared
To damn Britney Spears
She's so pretty
That just ain't me

So doctor doctor won't you please prescribe me something
A day in the life of someone else

:( im so sorry your day was bad jessie. one tear. lol. it will better tomorow i promise!!! if not well then hey im not the good day fairy, although it be kool, soorry im really really random today lol silly me, ok well hopefuly your having a goodnight. sucks going to bed thinking about a bad day!
nelle

I Could Scream

I could scream at all the people

Who think the law is absolutely right

I could scream at all the children

Who don’t want to go to bed at night

I could scream at all the fathers

Who are dead beat dads

I could scream at all the mothers

Who abandoned their little lads

I could scream at all the priests

Who do not practice what they preach

I could scream at all the listeners

Who my words do not reach

I could scream at the companies

Who can’t make their products perform

I could scream at the teachers

Who think violence is the norm

I could scream at all the doctors

Who think they know what is always right

I could scream at all the gangsters

Who believe they always have to fight

I could scream at the politicians

Who have told us so many lies

I could scream at all the police officers

Who eat donuts and just swat flies

I could scream at all the musicians

Who can’t write a song without a curse

I could scream at all the drivers

Who turn without warning me first

I could scream till my voice was gone

About the many things in this civilization

I could scream till my face turned red

Who would notice in this nation

Since when are screams never heard

And people are never noticed

I do believe it is…….

Since we became too busy to listen

wow this is a really good poem. It makes me feel really bad for the boy who wrote it. Wish i could be there to help and comfort him. It communicates a feeling that everyone can relate to. thats the best part
Re--wind ... my sad life......

breathing heavily.. sweat rolling down his face...
suddenly his eyes open...from a nightmare he awakes
evil thoughts creep through his mind...of all the people who betrayed him.
making him feel like life has no meaning....opening that door to the hidden pain..

violent words to him are always spit...
they are the reasons for the marks and scars on his wrists...
the signs of a boy who couldn't take it anymore...
feeling more alone than ever before...

he always would lie.. saying he was feeling fine..
but it was easy to tell.. that he was hurting inside..
you could see him shaking...you could see tears in his eyes..
people would try to help...but he stayed away... no one knew why

he always thought all he needed was to relax...to rewind...
but... he knows inside....in order to keep his life inline..
he must write down his life in the form of these rhymes...
in the hope love and peace is what he’ll find...

out of everything that he knows.....it seems now he’s losing control...
he feels like he’s wasting his life....
come give him a chance....come give him a try....
help him find love and peace....help him rewind...
help him realize....he’s not alone...
help him live his life.....

"Failure is just a part of it/ no matter how hard i try/ making a mess of every situation my whole life..." -Hate Dept.

"And so love is broken/
and they're asking me how can help when you don't even know how that feels/
i don't need one thousand reasons when someone starts to cry/
when someone says my heart needs lifting/
don't ask how come ask how high."
-Dream Theater

"Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart... nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart..."
has nothing to do with today just a cool quote

I didn't think it was possible but this day just keeps on getting worse. i don't feel like talking about it.

:-( test in every subject today. thats all im gonna say. gotta go study. waisted whole period talking to christian!

larissa ryan was born on aungust 13th!

I see a red door and I want it painted black
no colors anymore, I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

I see a line of cars and they are painted black
with flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
like a new born baby it just happens every day

I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it's heading into black
maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
it's not easy facing up when your whole world is black

I wanna see it painted painted, painted black, oh baby
I wanna see it painted painted, painted black, oh baby

no more will my green see go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
if I look hard enough into the setting sun
my love will laugh with me before the morning comes

I wanna see it painted, painted, painted black, oh
black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
painted, painted, painted black oh baby
painted painted, painted black

yay i'm finally home again! 72 hours without the computer and internet! I can't believe i did it!!!! ahhhh! lol but yet again i procrastinated and i didn't do any homework. i had four days to do homework and i didn't do any. Instead i ate alot of pizza and soda and candy and i watched alot of movies. i basically wasted away for 4 days. what fun! j/k but there were some fun times. saturday my mom and danny picked my sister and i up. then we ordered some PIZZA! (ooh i love this song: life goes on leanne rymes) After that danny had to go to work. When my mom was dropping him off i watched this movie that just made me burst into tears. it was so sad about these girls that got pregnant at 15 and had this responsibility for their whole lives. and then i watched a bunch of other movies. until i took a reallllllly long shower! (it was least an hour long) after i finally fell asleep. then danny got home at 3 am and he brought me a salad! yummy! ahhh i was such a pig this weekend. so then we watched more movies until 6 am when i fell asleep again. but not before flipping by channel 74 the dirty station and being totally grossed out by these lesbians having sex. lol sorry i had to add that. so yea finally i had to turn the tv off cuz my sister refused to fall back asleep until i turned it off. then everyone woke up at around 1 in the afternoon. and i felt super lazy so i just watched more tv! then we all decided we were gonna go to the mall. but by the time we were all ready to go it was about 4:00. and i being the smart one remembered that the mall closes at 6:00 on sundays. but we still went neways. danny and katherine played in the arcade and me and mom hit spencers and hot topic. then we tryed to go to pretzal time but they were already closed.it was a bummer. so after that we went to this chinese buffet place and i ate so much that my stomach felt pregnant. u kno how pregnant peoples stomachs get all round and firm? well yea. lol and after that i had an urgo for target so we went there. and i bought makeup. when we got home i helped mom do laundry. then we went for a walk to the beach. bruno stopped to go number 2 like 5 times i think he musta ate somehting bad this weekend. but neway when we were half way there it started pouring!!!! so me mom a bruno ran all teh way home in the rain. when we got back we were soaked. my hair was sooo wet. lol and i was wearing my favorite pants and they were all wet. my makeup was all messed up. but i guess you could say it was all kinda sexy. kinda like a wet t-shirt contest. lol. then we changed watched more tv and went to bed. the next day i woke bright and early at like 8:30. no one was awake but me so i just took a really long shower. just like teh other one i took. and after that i was feeling kinda gothic so i dressed in all black. i think i like black. Paint it BLACK! then more tv. We watched this french movie called "Amelie" It was all in french and it had subheadings to tell u what the characters were saying. it was soooo retardedly funny! it really made no sense. i didn't understand it at all. there was this one part that was really funny where the lady in the diner and this guy went to the bathroom and had sex and they screamed really loud and shook the whole diner. but amelie turned the cappuccino machine up so the customers couldn't hear them as loud.
O yeah! the other thing i found out today! i almost had a black kitten but someone came and got him! i was so sad i already had a name picked out for him. "Sage" o well i hope my baby sage goes to a good home. i need to get a black cat. How else am i gonna be a catholic witch without a black cat? o well i guess bruni will have to do. Hes black!! lol and then after that wierd movie amelie we went and got more PIZZA! and after that teh realization that i have alot of homework that i still havn't done set in! so i decided to drink alot of caffeine. and that explains why none of anything that i just wrote made any sense. its because im reeeeallllly realllllllly hyperrrr right now!!! If you couldn't read everything all the way to here i understand it was all really stupid and pointless. but thats what i get for drinking a coffeeeee and a red bull together. now i have to go so i can do my laundry and write the 2 articles that were do on friday. picckkkllllesss! i want pickklllleeesss! I think this is the longest and most pointless entry i've every written. please don't comment on that one! ciao!
luv jessie

haha i get a four day weekend! lol no j/k.. I just don't feel like taking that big english test today. I scared. and i don't feel like gym class. and this is just a perfect day not to go to school because now i'll have a 4 day weekend. nelle hun im sorry i feel really bad im not there. i always hate it when u skip school and im there alone. its just wierd. did u call last night? i fell asleep. i went upstairs to do my project at around 7 and i just fell asleep. i said i was gonna get up at 12 to finish it but it didn't work. then i contemplated the rest of the night whether i was gonna go to school or not. usually i would just go anyway but i can't do bad this quarter. i have to study extra hard this weekend. so thats why i stayed home. I love you all! i go sleep again. z...z...z...

no time to write tonight. too many tests and projects...

i hope i'm not pregnant! i just realized that i just ate pickles and ice cream. but like i always say it would have to be with the second jesus cuz i've never been fucked. lol so i guess i'm just strange. pickles r so great tho! they have like zero calories. so they're my favorite. they r organic! (my word for anything cool and great)
I was talking to larissa about god and wicca and weighing all of the possibilities out with her. She had the audacity to ask if it was really me that she was talking to! i was just being sensible and looking at it from all angles something she fails to do. i guess maybe i might have made her think. then i tried to explain one of my theories to her but she had to go eat. i thought it was extremely rude. so i'll just post it here. so here goes:


way back when jesus out smarted all of the other gods and he was the only one that figured out how to come down to earth in human form. He came down and brainwashed us all into thinking he was really great and the one and only. but meanwhile he had all of the other gods locked up in the skies back where he came from. Now no one knos anything else. They only kno that Jesus Christ is great and the devil is evil. But how do we kno if the devil is evil? maybe hes just misunderstood. maybe there is no devil. maybe there are many gods who can't figure out how to take human form. maybe the devil is one of them and jesus is just really greedy so he doesn't wanna share the spotlight.
or maybe the devil is real and takes many forms that appeal to our senses and gets us to do bad things. For example wicca. Wicca seems like it is earth based and great. there doesn't seem to be anything bad about it so we naturally don't think it is harmful or wrong. But even if it seems ok the devil would benefit from it. He would gain our souls. he would take us away from god. he takes many forms to do this. But what i still don't understand is why god seems to be so greedy? i would think that someone who is suppose to be our leader and role model would have better characteristics and qualities. More to come on that thought...

I also tried to tell larissa some of the basics about boys. lol. no that sounds bad. shes not totally clueless. she just misses out on all the chances she has to flirt with ryan. but she'll be boy smart in no time.
everyone is talking about homecoming! I've decided I'm not going once and for all. I like this boy nick in my theology class but if he likes me he'll ask me and im just not sure. I don't kno why i like him. He passes notes for me and nell. ironic i kno. but we talk alot and always make eye contact. prob just because hes in the middle of me and nell. Thats gotta be it.
i like someone else too but hes just off limits and its not fair. I talked myself out of liking him for a while but i think its inevitable. at least we can still be friends! think positive!
yea thats the other thing. Larissa tlaked me into doing this thinking positive thing with her. We arn't aloud to say anything bad nemore. For every negative comment we make we lose a dollar. For ex. "East Catholic sucks!" Well i'm not aloud to say that nemore. I have to think positive. I don't kno if i can do this. O wait that was a negative thought. i already lost! O well i'll take it in steps. I'm aloud to write negative things for the time being because i have to vent somewhere. I'm just not aloud to say them outloud. O well thats all for now. Ciao!

im sorry east catholic isnt what you want to be. and i hope your feeling better, last night you know you were kinda dipressed and solmn so, yeah i dont know what to write so ill go to my blog. bye jessie
nelle

its been forever it seems since i last blogged. not too much has happened in the last couple of days.
I don't think im going to homecoming. lately everyone has been making such a big deal about it. So unless someone that i really like asks me to it im just not gonna go. it sounds like fun and everything but i think its totally over rated. and i don't wanna hurt the feelings of the people that asked me to go with them that i don't like. So its just alot easier it seems to stay home and catch a flick or something. me and nell were talking about that today. altho i kno she really loves music and dancing so i wouldn't wanna take that away from her. i dunno. i suppose i just really hate east and don't wanna be involved in any of their pathetic attempts at having fun.
the only really good thing about school today is that my gym class was cancelled. and i did get most of my hw done in school. thats good too. its always nice to relax every now and then. i'm also bringing my grades up in spanish. yay! that class really isn't very hard if u do the hw and study a couple nights a week. and im no longer pathetically struggling in geometry because i failed to pay attention for 2 consecutive months. Odin and Dan helped me up.
We got a global project today. ugh! i guess greg deserted andrew. so andrew asked if i would be his partner for the project and i said yes. so i am. i hope we'll be able to get together to do it because theres alot of work to be done. too much! *groaning...* i also have another project in global due on friday. and an english test friday and monday global test and spanish test. i kno this is prob. really boring to read but its nice to write it down somewhere so i don't forget.
of late i've been forgetting what a journal is for and not writing everything i want to because i'm afraid i'll hurt peoples feelings. it kinda sucks. i guess i have to start another little journal on the side. one for more personal stuff. deja vu. i feel like i've said this before. when will i start listening to myself?

i'm just happy for you jessica, you know how smart you are you know what your cappable of and if anyone i know you'll get yourself back on track, with help or not, hun lets make this quarter better ok, and sophmore year wont suck so much. jessica i love you, take that how you wanna take it, I'm not going anywere and i might not be in your classes but you know I'll be more then happy to help you with anything and everything,
have a good day
love always nelle

so much happens in a day. i really dunno how i used to write such long entries. lately there is not enough time in the day. or maybe im just getting lazy. probably the latter. e both. but neways. 1st marking period is now officially ended. :-( but i get to start agian with a clean slate! :-) dan and odin are helping me catch up in geometry. im learning all of the stuff that i didn't pay attention to in the last month. and i did really good on my spanish quiz today! yay! i studied all moring in between classes and during mass.
O yea we had a prayer service today. yes i went to communion. I'm still catholic. Its not like i un-baptized my self. and the catholic church always welcomes u back even after u've sinned or become confused or unsure. errrrr! pamela was fucking pissing me off! she was yellin at me for going to communion. and i was like you kno what bitch? u can't tell me what to do. U don't even kno me nemore! i mean when was the last time u talked to me? so it just really made me mad that she thought she could tell me how to live my life spritually. and then for the rest of the lunch she totally ignored me and just talked to steph. but i don't care because shes too annoying to talk to. lol. i kno i sound really immature right now. i hate talking about people like this. i guess she just made me mad. we used to be really good friends last year. she was one of my best friends. but this year she just bugs me really bad. so dumb and sarcastic. i guess thats why shes not in any of my classes. shes a sped! lol j/k but the blondeness she portrays gets on my nerves. It like get a life! so halfway thru the lunch i went and sat with my new guy friends. I say new becasue i've only started hanging out with them in the past month. but its all cool. i had more fun then.
Nelle was so sad today:-( shes like i was yesterday. The only way i can describe it as is wanting to crawl under a table and hide. just sit there and solemnly watch the everday occurances of life. no talk just watch. and all along be depressed and not no why. thats the worst part. Your depressed and u have no clue why.
Ahhhh odin just asked me if i would go with him to homecomeing! well i like him as a friend but not like that so i said no. besides i don't think i even want to go. i'll just sit home and sulk like i did last night. not in a partying mood lately. maybe i'll stay home and do my hw. Afterall i do need to get straight a's this marking period. because i kno i can.

thanks hun! but why r u happy for me?

im happy for you jessica, if you ever need help with school, im here,

Everyone ought to worship God according to his own inclinations, and not to be constrained by force.
Flavius Josephus (37 AD - 95 AD), Life

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.
Samuel Goldwyn (1882 - 1974)

You have to recognize when the right place and the right time fuse and take advantage of that opportunity. There are plenty of opportunities out there. You can't sit back and wait.
Ellen Metcalf

To believe in God or in a guiding force because someone tells you to is the height of stupidity. We are given senses to receive our information within. With our own eyes we see, and with our own skin we feel. With our intelligence, it is intended that we understand. But each person must puzzle it out for himself or herself.
Sophy Burnham

BLOGGER
Try as hard as we may for perfection, the net result of our labors is an amazing variety of imperfectness. We are surprised at our own versatility in being able to fail in so many different ways.
Samuel McChord Crothers

depressing day. ok i will think happy thoughts now because i'm about to cry. well im at school until 4:-( and i have no energy or ambition to do my hw. oops thats not happy. o well. i guess im kinda tired or something.
so i think i failed all my tests today. just like i predicted would happen. nothing new. maybe i'll write more later.

another late night..."sigh" owell. i have so many tests tomorrow. and i forgot my bio book. :-(
i'm glad i talked to alot of friends today and resolved alot of issues. but now i'll just be failing 1st quarter. there's nothing more i can do. but i've figured out that if i get a 95 on my report card for the next three quarters i'll go home with an 85 as my final grade. then i will be saved. and i will rejoice and be like allelujah. and it will all be good again. but i might not blog for a while . because i will ahve to work really hard. and i almost think i've gotten enough sense knocked into me to do it.

yay! tomorrow is a half day! and i have my whole peer ministry form filled out. i hope they pick me. this is something i really wanna do. i will be sad if they don't. wow its only 5:30 and its already dark. the time change just feels so wierd. i really don't like it. well i gotta go do hw. so ciao!

well i just got the awrsomest reccomendation for peer ministry form my shrink. what is goin on with me? i'm joining youth groups and becoming a peer minister. well i don't kno how they can say kno. it was just such an awesome reccomendation. and i put my whole heart and soul into my part.
With everything else i am just highly confused. i dunno who i can trust anymore. i ahve to be careful with my friends.
I might go over chris's house on wednesday since its a half day and just hang and play with his dog. Its cool cuz he lives so close.
Ahhh! grades close on friday. I have f's in practically every subject. I hope they don't put me on acedemic probation. speaking of that i need to get going to finish up my homework.
still confused and hopeless but trying to stay optimistic So ciao!

well the feeling finally went away and i'm not high from the jello shots anymore so maybe thats why. but i did have some pretty good dreams. I just wish i was older. but theres plenty more fish in the sea. i must have just been so in love last night because i was so tired. and he was just so mysterious. all it took was a kiss on the cheek to make me shiver. I kno pretty silly! lol o well i g2g talk to ya Soon!

so i have this hopeless carefree feeling. I kinda fee l like ive semi experienced love at first site. but maybe its lust or longing. but i'll tell u nmore about it later cuz bo is being a brat dog. he won' stop biting me

hey! i'm getting ready for aunt g's party tonight! i think i look really good but i'm still not satisfied with my costume yet. so i have to go now. its almost time to leave. hope everyone has fun tonight!

No i'm not sad these are just really good songs...

Baby, I’ll be there
To lift you up
I’ll dry your eyes
Oh, when you cry

When you’re alone
And nobody’s there to take you through the night
Oh, when nothing’s right
Call out my name
Oh, don’t be ashamed to say you need a hand
I understand, baby

Sometimes the night can be so dark and cold
No one beside you
And no one to hold
Hold on, hold on

When you cry
I will dry your eyes
When you fall
I’ll lift you up high
You just reach
For these arms of mine
I promise they won’t let you go
And I’ll make you smile
When you cry

You’re always strong
Always got a hand to lend to someone else
Don’t need no one else
What about those times
When that heart inside is crying out for love
For someone, baby

Someone to lean on when the tears start to fall
Lean on me I’ll see you through it all
Just hold on, hold on

When you cry
I will dry your eyes
When you fall
I’ll lift you up high
You just reach
For these arms of mine
I promise they won’t let you go
And I’ll make you smile
When you cry

Hold on to me
When you’re not feeling strong
Hold on, baby, hold on

When you cry
I will dry your eyes
When you fall
I’ll lift you up high
You just reach
For these arms of mine, baby
I promise they won’t let you go
When you cry

When you cry
When you cry
Oh, baby
Yeah

So much pain and no good reason why
You cried until the tears run dry
Nothing else can make you understand
The one thing that you held so dear
Is slipping from your hand

And you say
Why, why, why
Does it go this way
And why, why, why
And all I can say is

Somewhere down the road
There'll be answers to the questions
Somewhere down the road
Though we cannot see it now
And somewhere down the road
You will find mighty arms reaching for you
And they will have the answers
At the end of the road

Yesterday I thought I'd seen it all
I thought I'd climbed the highest wall
But now I see that learning never ends
And all I know to do is keep on walking
'Round the bend

Singing
Why, why, why
Does it go this way
Why, why, why
And all I can say is

Somewhere down the road
There'll be answers to the questions
Somewhere down the road
Though we cannot see it now
And somewhere down the road
You will find mighty arms reaching for you
And they will hold the answers
At the end of the road

Somewhere, somewhere down
And somewhere down the road
There'll be answers to the questions
Somewhere down the road
Though we cannot see it now
And somewhere down the road
You will find mighty arms reaching for you
They will have the answers
At the end of the road

They will have the answers
At the end of the road

Somewhere down the road, yeah
Somewhere, somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere, somewhere down the road
Why, why, why
There will be arms reaching, down the road
Somewhere, somewhere, somewhere
Oooh

wow that was a really cool spider. i'm so mad at gma she killed it. It coulda been her great uncle serving his dharma. and she didn't think twice she just killed it!
so neways Today was really cool. lately i've been in a black mood. everything has to be black. Just paint it black! i tink its the samhain spirit getting to me. halloween is great.
I was quite psyched after school today cuz i was all alone talking to all these junior and senior guys. but yea i kno it means nothing i'm just being silly. lol
o yea and i found a million people to sign the petition against andrew if i needed them to. lol and they all said that i was gonna win cuz no one would sign a petition against me. so watch out here i come!
ice cream is so good! a nice cone with choclatey ice cream dripping in choclately syrup that gets hard when its cold. I'm fascinated by that stuff. How does it turn so hard neway? wierd stuff. but mmm mmm good! lol
o well i gotta go so much hw and i havn't even begun yet. "sigh"

So I guess i slept really late today! 11:30 lol. I woke up to the song You can't hide beautiful by Aaron Lines. And it made me wanna cry. So i just turned it off. I always wake up to songs that have meaning to me. I figure its kinda like an alarm clock a sign that its time to say wakie wakie. ok i kno i'm superstitious. I'm not suppose to be online! i bad bad girl. lol. but no ones home and i got stuff to do so that ain't stopping me. o no gotta go too sad to write nemroe.
p.s. talking to nell on aim

yea its ok

nice poem
nelle

Well, sit right here, by my side,
and I'll tell you the secrets of the tide ...
And just get comfy, honey child,
While I speak of nature, free and wild.

But, you don't have a cloak, or pointed hat??
Bah!! and Piffle!! .. What's with that?
The Witch is worn within the soul,
not donned for occasions, or kept in a bowl.

When you think of witches, you tremble at magic?
Oh, silly girl, that is indeed tragic!

Well, take a deep breath, and hold tight to my hand,
and together we'll dream to the edge of the land.
Where forest and sky kiss the edge of the waters,
Where spirits as we, claim a kinship with daughters
of elements born before words are remembered, and
feelings, and thoughts are no longer hindered.

Tis the every day things, that witches are 'ware of,
The Sun and the Moon, and the wee tiny cherub,
who tugs at our heart strings and drives us to madness,
yet gives us such joy, and fills us with gladness.

A soft gentle rain, nudging buds to full flower.
Hurricane! Twister! .. Such terrible power!
Candles, and hearth fire, warming and scented.
Forests ablaze! .. Volcanic stacks vented!

A mantle of snow, both preserves and gives pleasure.
Avalanch! Iceberg!! .. So full of treasure.
The Warmth of the Sun, bringing Life we so cherish.
Bleak desert landscape. Burnt tundra... we perish.

Now open your eyes, and look closely at me.
You came here so fearful, now what do you see?
A kindly old woman? An evil old hag?
A cloak of maturity? A dirty old rag?

Both sides of the coin. Light and dark we encompass
Good and evil abide, and still walk among us.
So be very sure, that a Witch you will be ...
for we own it ALL ... you and me .... you and me.

theres no school tomorrow! o well i have so many tests and projects to do. Friday is such a busy day. Theres so many things i could be doing. At first i had plans to go see a movie. Then i remembered it was the play. and i was just informed today that the party i was going to is on friday. so yea the party tops them all. bye bye movie and bye bye play. I already saw most of it during rehearsals neway. Its soooooooo boring! i guess i was mainly just going ot hang with friends.
I never write as much as i used to.
lol o yea. i've been so mean to andrew lately! its kinda bad. I don't mean to be the hateful comments just come pooring out. I hope he knos i don't mean it. hes just so fun and easy to make fun of. and some of the things he says. errrrrrr! i don't think so!
I finally told greg that i can't go out with him. so sad...
i think thats all. g2g ciao!

I'm so tired. sleep deprived. only 3 hours of sleep last night. and i practically live at school. i just got home an hour ago! and i think i'm past the point of sleeping because i'm not tired nemore. like the energizer bunny. keep going and going and going and going.... ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! i just realized that i missed my shrink appopintment! it was suppose to be at 6:30! o well not the first time i've missed it. this sucks tho i really needed to talk to him this week. lots a stuff

yea that was fun i didn't fall tho.:-( i gonna go call nell.

yay i sneaked coffee this morning so i'm really hyper and crazy. i get to walk on my roof! hehe its gonna be so fun. maybe i'll fall. who knos. that would be cool. i wanna go driving today too. so i think i'll do that. fuck the homework. ahhh! i'm a bad girl lately i say fuck too much! ok gotta go walk on my roof. ciao!

NEVER HAVE I FALLEN

Your lips speak soft sweetness
Your touch a cool caress
I am lost in your magic
My heart beats within your chest

I think of you each morning
And dream of you each night
I think of your arms being around me
And cannot express my delight

Never have I fallen
But I am quickly on my way
You hold a heart in your hands
That has never before been given away

As we grow older together,
As we continue to change with age,
There is one thing that will never change...
I will always keep falling in love with you.

- Karen Clodfelder -

imood doesn't have suicidal. i finally found a mood that they're missing. well today sucks. I slept until 12. then i took a shower. and johnny called me and asked if i wanted ot go to teh mall. but then we never ended up goin. and its also one of those days where my family does everything they possibly can to get on my nerves. So for a majority of the day i just hid in my room and blasted the radio. so loud that the whole house shook. thats the best way of course. i think i'll just go do that again. i started a book too. its really good. so yea neways ciao

It's National Friendship Week
Eleanor Roosevelt wrote:

Many people will walk in and out of your life,

But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart

To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart.

Anger is only one letter short of danger.

If someone betrays once, it is his fault; If he betrays you twice, it is your fault

He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses much more; He who loses faith, loses all.

Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, But beautiful old people are works of art.

Learn from the mistakes of others, You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

Friends, you and me....You brought another friend....

and we started our group....our circle of friends.....

and like a circle.....there is no beginning or end.....

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift.

Thank you to all!

u so funny nell! well i dunno what to write. i'm not in a writing mood. Quite frankly I'm just mad. Not at nell. I'm just frustrated with a certain siuation and currently i don't care to talk about it. okey guys when i feel liek writing i'll come back again.

:p ello jessie i still hyper, still talking like an irishgirl or man, lol .so yeah. come over my house, i still wanna dance in the rain and all that, oh wait its not rainging, :( well um sing and dance and jump on ym bed ,lol j/k im just hyper and fee like patying with you hehe
love you bye!
nelle

i'm finally back! woo who! I know you all missed me. right more later.

yay! i finally finished!

lol i dunno. it jsut came to me. i might change it again. give me more suggestions. seeing as i'm finding god again it just sounded right.

um dear god whats your number, um yeah cathchy title.... what the hell does it mean???

did u go to sleep last night?!!! it says 2:30 am i just realized that. silly dilly

lol i can still write stuff i just can't post it on the web page this really sucks! and i don't have time to fix it right now. k babe!

really err huh lol
ni night

errr....

this is just a test

what is going on? i'm gonna cry. everythings so sad.
but anyway bruni had his vet appointment. Hes alot better now. thankyou everyone for praying for him. I'm so happy to have him back to normal. Other than that nothing about my life is good right now.

Yay! today was fun. After church i went to the movies. We saw The Tuxedo. Great movie. I was kinda late tho. because i almost died. well pretty much anyway. My stepbrother gave me a ride. and he just turned 21 so as you can guess hes wild and crazy. so we like almost died at least 2. Rain, Doing 80, and crappy tires on a jeep just don't mix. once we stopped traffic because we slid into oncoming traffic. lol Misty screamed and johnny went crazy and i sat there and comforted them. For some reason the idea of death doesn't scare me. I'm ready to die. death is comforting to me. and don't think i'm a sicko or something. because i'm not. i'm just not afraid. The really loud rap music did kinda bother me though! lol it was annoying. don't get me wrong i love rap but not that loud.
So here i am now at home. talking to nell and andre. figuring out what i'm gonna do next. who knows? definately not me.

No actually you'd be surprised nell. i'm not happy. I'm just living. gotta live. and who would want to read my blog if it was so sad all the time? So i try to get sarcastic and witty every now and then so people will read it. I did try to call you. but apparently it was at exactly the same time as you decided to go online. how ironic. I want to talk to you so i'll try again soon.

jess im not going anywere. but yeah i dont know if i want you to call me tonight because all day all of done is cry and sleep and cry some more im crying right now,. it never stops, and i really dont think i can talk to you because i know all i do after i get off the phone is cry some more, and it looks to me like your pretty happy right now so im sure you dont want to talk someone whose hurting so bad. besides your happily taken so yeah goodbye!

We called the vet. Bruni has an appointment for Monday morning at 10:30. I hope thats soon enough.
Andre's at the mall today. Before he went i interrogated him about whether he likes Joelyn as more then a friend. lol. He said no and i believe him. I think i shoulda asked him how tall she is and what color hair she has though. cuz that woulda told all. lol. Yeah i know you hun!

I talked to luke on the phone last night. Chris keeps trying to fix us up. But first of all i'm happily taken. Second of all hes afraid to go out with someone whose known as a lesbian. He doesn't wanna be labeled as gay.lol all i gotta say is: his loss someone elses gain. I'm glad we got that straightened out though. So Chris please no more cupid play!

Lately I've been sleeping so much. I guess i'm just making up for all that sleep I lost. But last night i had a million dreams. and like all my friends were in them. Some of them have confused me a little. What is my subconcious trying to tell me? I certainly don't kno but time will tell.

Hey Nell I'm sorry i didn't get a chance to call you last night. Something came up. I'll call today but i wanna wait till tonight. So let me know where your gonna be. and whether your still going bowling or not. I can't go bowling I don't know how. lol but have fun.

Larissa I updated your web page. You must think i'm a dilinquent or something. Those directions were for a two your old. You gotta remember the computer is my thing. I can update a web page! Now give me the info for your diary and i'll set up the template for you.

Hey Andre I'm sorry Amanda is being a bitch to you. Its when things like this happen that you find out who your true friends are. You can all read about the epic saga between andy and manda at Andy's deadjournal! lol

Ash i love you girl! your one of my best friends! i'm so glad i can count on you. If you ever need anything just remember i'm here. a phone call away...

Thats all for now folks...! Tune in later for a new episode of: As ECHS Turns!

:( your not at school again. are you ok? first of all your a poopie head becasue now you have a four day weekend :) but anyways second what made you not want to come to school. im sorry i had get off line i wouldnt have if id known people were bothering you or hurting you, if it was me im sorry. but yeah now who likes you?? well i have no biology lab so thats why im in free. I hope you got all your work done last night. and ill be online when i get home today. possible. ill have to be sneaky though but if you really arent going to be online anymore, which i highly doubt. lol then ill call you. hope your feeling ok. miss you
bye
love nelle

ugh. u guys i'm never going online again. it interfers with my school work and ruins my love life. from now on no one tell me if they like me. i can't deal with this

:( ok jessie i will, both are dogs are doing bad. why? sorry baby, kiss bruni for me. i love you bruni. and jessie dont worry, if brunos anything like me he wont leave you. he knows what a good thing hes got. its not his time yet jessie, dont worry. its not my dogs time yet eithre just keep praying jessie.
always in my prayers, always on my mind
love janelle, whatever you need to be for you right now ill be it

i was not high on anything! just extremely worn out and tired. and wild and crazy. and hopeless. and so on... so many things. i used to be such a good writer. i thing i've become lazy in my old age.
guess what? :-( Bruni isn't feeling well. i'm not sure whats wrong with him. but hes not his usual psycho self. hes being so sweet. and all day gma said he was in my room. he wouldn't come down stairs. and now hes sleeping by my feet just being all sweet. i'm so worried about him. not my baby! my best friend. my confidant. the one i kno will never betray me. even tho i've been so horrible. we used to be so close. before high school. but neways. everyone please pray for bruni

LOL THATS ALL I HAVE TO SAY. you can definately tell you were high in coffee or something, cause your last few entreis are wacked! lol
see yah soon bye

I have no clue what to wear! i'm gonna cry no wanna go to school. Wanna go sleep. o well got take shower now.

ugh! i hate school so much. so much its not even funny. Did i mention i hate school? well i do. yea so anyways. I have to take a shower and get ready for SCHOOL! pretty soon. My printer is still mental. i need to bring it to an asylum. When it decides to work it will print pages 1-4 but not 4-7! no not 4-7! it just doesn't like 4-7. After 4 pages it gets lazy! my printer is fucking lazy! our last printer was like that too. I think the ghost of our other printer has posessed it. same with the washing machine. cuz its always the same problems. flooding the basement and printing when it feels like it. My houshold objects have dharma everyone and let me tell you they are not gonna have good karma! cuz they mis behave to much.
They never give me what i want. they will be rocks in their next life time. Ok ok i guess thats enough i'm being strange now. Here we go again...and u all kno i'm not strange right? of course you do.
thank you! thank you very much!

i'm the only one awake its great just piggin out on bagels and coffee. yum. i feel so lonely one of my friends please come online! yeah right at 1 in the morning jessie your dreaming...ok talking to myself now i sound crazy but i'm not and you all kno that right? good i knew you did. ok maybe i'll come talk to myself again soon. must go put cream cheese on bagel...

I'm sorry hun i shouldn't have gone to sleep. I wasn't here when you needed me. I hope your ok. i can't write much i have to finish the project.

i wish you were on line jess i really need you. but i tried im you and your not on :( i guess ill get off and call caitlynn or ashley, or try calling your cell phone. im realy dipressed right now :( i just really need someone right now, kinda wanted it to be you. but for some reason your not aonline, lol your always onlien and the one time i have the chance to be online with you your not on :( oh well like i said in my email my life is falling apart :(

i think i have insomnia. its been so long since i actually slept or had an urge to sleep. and theres a milllion tests tomorrow and so much hw. and the project that i still didn't hand in cuz the printer broke. But i gotta keep going. i will get all this stuff done o well g2g
Andre if you come online read diaryland i sent u an email or else u just have to guess your username and password lol

Ok thats just da bomb! i was playing with my diaryland diary and i found out that you can have a secret diary thats password protected! thats so cool! Which means you can only read it if you have a username and password. I think i'll use that diary for more personal stuff. i'm psyched! i know 50's moment. I have those every now and then. lol

i have caffeine poisoning!!!!!!!!!!

yeah ok all i gotta say is my printer is possessed. It works fine one moment and the next it just stops printing. So i restart the "damn computer" excuse me! "lovely computer" and it works again. It's possessed thats all there is to it.
O yea and my sister broke her arm yesterday. Thats soooo cool. i always wanted to break my arm but i never could. or at least a finger to get out of gym. Ya kno? It would be worth the pain for me. i have high pain tolerance. But you should see her. shes got this little bell and she lays on the couch watching tv and doesn't move. Except to indulge in masticating delectable foods. I mean come on! its just an arm. Your not paralyzed! I don't think i'd seriously be able to stay in bed that long. I'd be up and moving around no matter how much it hurt. sitting in bed all day is a punishment itself. neways hope you get better soon katherine. So i don't have to wait on you hand and foot! You guys didn't actually think i'd be nice to my sister did you? Cuz i think not.
At 5:30 I have a shrink appointment. So i should have just enough time to finish my project. Providing that the printer decides to cooporate. I wrote this really cool poem for the front cover. Its called the day miss liberty cried. Hopefully it will count as one page. Sure as hell took me long enough. Ok must go work. I kno i'm in a bitchy mood. I wish i wasn't. i tried to get out of it but i don't kno how. i guess i'm just destined to be bitchy today. o yea must go work. Every time i remember i'm suppose to be working i think of another reason not to. i don't wanna work!!!!!!!!!! "crrryyy" Its unjust... I'm gonna go make pancakes...

I'm not going to school today! i think i'll just go to bed now and do the rest later.

ok i'm still wide awake and i just got out of the shower.

Holy fuck did i caffeinate myself. I've been drinking so much coffee and tea that for a while i felt exactly the way it feels to be drunk. But instead of puking I just p alot.
I'm not sure if i'll go to school tomorrow. Today actually. I still havn't finished my project. And my printer decided to crap out on me. Just my luck. But what i've got so far is really awesome. If it weren't for this stupid printer and the fact that i'm going to be extremely overtired. I've been told that i'm seductive when I'm overtired. I guess its true. lol. and thats not such a bad thing. i think i'll take a break pretty soon and maybe take a shower.

I feel alone in this scary world
just wish there was someone there to catch me
hold me when i fall
protect me from the unknown
fulfil my every wish and desire
but thats not what lifes about
just gotta go on
be who i kno i am
and forget who i thought i was
still not quite sure who i am...
Jessie

:-( I think i got a progress report in every subject. Luckily grandma saw how sad i was and that i'm trying to do better now. I hate school. i really do. I never thought i'd say that. I love my friends and i want to do good work but my teachers are complete assholes. O well i can't write much gotta go do work. homework.

hey everyone...its me andrue..i wrote in my blog so u all better check it out...i think jess has a link for it lol yeah i just wanted to see if i could write in this thing...ok i going to bed...

I really don't know what to write. because everything thats been happening lately is either depressive or its a secret. usually i say everything but yea things are getting really complicated.
neways i have a detention tuesday. and sr. peggy demands that i stay after school for extra help in spanish every day next week. as of now i am failing. :( but now that all my issues are almost behind me hopefully i'll do better. I really don't like her i'm definately going to change my name now. she pisses me off. either that or i'll beg for another different guidance counselor. or maybe i'll just change schools! but changing my name seems like the best bet. ok i'm gonna go sleep soon. i have a migraine and my eyes hurt.

So many tests today! ugh! but i'm really trying hard again. I just hope its not too late.
I was at school till 3:30. Ashley and Andre were there too. We basically just walked around the school for 1 1/2 hours. My conscience told me i should really be doing hw. but i don't get to see them very much so i didn't give in. in short i can't write much because i have hw to do. I hope everyones doing ok. and i wish you all luck. Don't worry tomorrow will look better.

ok somebody got into the qoutoble mood. lol
im still dying, my head hurts so much. ahhhhhhhh!
i dont have much longer to live i hit my too hard. lol save me!!

Life is as Beautiful as You Make It

Always live your life to its fullest.
Enjoy laughter, touch a star.

Smile for today
while you shine through your tomorrows.

Open your heart to strangers;
destiny may bring newfound friends.

Venture out, conquer the unconquerable.

Look where others dare not look,
and question all that is questionable.

Remember that happiness is the home
we build within ourselves.

Speak your mind.

Hear a symphony within silence.
Open your heart.

Challenge tomorrows
and treasure yesterdays.

Capture all that you can
in this beautiful creation called life.


~ William J. Burrows ~

o yea i forgot to mention that last night grandma made me talk to aunt louise. shes pretty much a nun. So she has extremely firm beliefs. we talked for like 2 hours and she talked my ears off. about how being a homosexual is influenced by the devil. how we all have our own crosses to carry just like jesus. because we were born with original sin. and that the devil gets to us in many ways and satin is everywhere. it was really scary. thats all i'm gonna say. unfortunately she didn't change my beliefs

Ok today was so wierd. 4th period i was ready to commit suicide and 8th period was like a box of chocolates. Thats why i kno i'll never commit suicide. my life is so up and down. one minute i'm depressed and the next i'm laughing and happy. Knowing that it won't always be so hard is what keeps me going.
I payed attention in all my classes. In hopes of doing better. altho i got a 50 on a geometry quiz. and found out i'm failing spanish. i tried. i really did. i even did hw at school. and stayed after for extra help in two classes. when nell and andrew came in the room i was so involved in my work that i didn't even notice. It feels good to work hard.
The other thing i did was change my style. I wore girly stuff today!!!!! its just not me. a little cross necklace with matching earrings and a ring. and girly shoes. it was mildly strange. not at all like the day before where i went to school with a blue bow tie. I like to be different. this change will be extremely difficult to maintain.
Tonight is the meeting for kenya. its at 7. Hopefully uncle wes can take me. i also told larissa that i would try to pick her up since her mom can't bring her. shes suppose to call me around 6. so i have to go soon.
Andrew wrote a strange entry in his dead journal. I really do not know what he is talking about. So pay no attention to it.
And later today someone "whos name i am not going to mention"(no its not andrew) asked if i liked him and then said that i shouldn't. I was like what the hell does that mean?>!!! DO I MAKE IT THAT OBVIOUS!? can people see right thru me? All i said was i can't answer that because thats where things start getting complicated. As soon as i admit my feelings everything changes. So i'll just try to ignore that little convo we had. I just wish you luck you deserve better right now. because your really great .
i g2g get ready for the meeting and start making phone calls. love you all! ciao!

:-( no ones after school today and i'm after till 3. i'm so depressed and mad. i don't wanna stay! well at least i have chris for another hour. he just pointed that out. yay! but nell went to call to see if she could stay after and her mom said no. so i never got to say bye to her. she just left. :-( i hate when that happens. i got my hopes up and then she couldn't stay.

ahhhh! janelle has an in school suspension today i havn't seen her all day except once.

lol how'd you do that hun? its only 7:16 on 9/30/02 and it says you posted tomorrow at 12:07. What'd you do go into the future or something? i confused. neways i got so scared cuz i was playing with the HTML of my blog and all my posts disappeared! it was quite alarming. but i finally got it back. yay!

hi jessie, i know random but felt like saying hi. lol
love you always nelle

OmG! i'm so pissed. ready to kill my gma. She went thru my room while i was gone over the weekend. Thats just wrong. when i got home i noticed a couple of things missing. So i confronted her about it. She said yea you missing a couple of things? She took my tarot cards, my spreads book and a book that tells about the wiccan principles. I was so mad that i ran out of the room up the stairs and i slammed the door to my room. then i turned the music up really loud and resolved to not talk to her. So right now we are not on speaking terms. This morning i mumbled not a word. She gave me this letter this morning too. it talks about how much she loves me and how the occult brings the devil into your life. I havn't decided what to do yet. should i act all mature and goody two shoes? and wear crosses and holy shit? Or should i be immature and not talk to her and be really mean to show her how much it hurt that she went thru my belongings? I'm just really mad right now. I guess i'll just save up my money to buy a new tarot deck. but it sucks because those were my first cards and they hold my power. they're also a really nice deck that cost alot of money. I won't be getting another one like that for awhile. Really the spreads and the books gone don't bother me. because i can look all of that up online. all the info is there. O well we sha'll see what happens.

So you ask what have i done this weekend? Well Friday i fell asleep as soon as i got home from school. when i woke up I figured out it was already 6 o' clock and freaked.I was suppose to go to the movies with ash, nell, and andre but it was too late and no one would drive me. So being in the depressive mood i was in i cried and hyperventilated for 2 hours. Good times. then i went back to sleep. Aunt G woke me up at 10:30 and here i am at her house. Helping her pack and move. Shes moving in with her boyfriend corey. thats cool and all but i'm really gonna miss her old place with the broadband internet and cable. lol So basically all weekend i've been helping her pack and snizzle. I'm not sure when i'm going home today. and i still didn't do ne of my hw! ahhhhhhhh. Good thing all i have is geometry and abunch of projects that arn't due for another week. lol ok no no what to write. gotta go help with the yard sale. byes

pretty baby why cant you see your the one that i belong to.

i miss my friend. who won my heart and so confided in, the one i felt the safest with, the one who knew just what to say, to make me laug hagain, let the light back in, i miss my freind.

my lifes not the same without you jessie, and its nowere near as good.

i love you

I can't stop crying. and i don't know what to write. so yea. te quiero nelle

Ok well i just don't know what to say. I was fine until larissa decided to be such a fucking bitch. now i'm crying and i don't know why. i love you nell sorry i did this

Cup one...i just had my first dose of caffeine for the evening. but i'm sure many more will follow. The realization that i am an avid procrastinator is nothing new. I have so much homework! Ahhhhhhhh...! I don't know what i'm gonna do. but i guess this is just gonna have to be an all-nighter. I can't risk anymore missing assignments. I'm determined to finish every bit of hw i have tonight and ace tomorrows test.
What is up with me lately?! I'm so argumentative. Being a bitch to everyone. O well if my friends love me they'll understand. lol I love you guys! I'm sorry about all this shit i've been putting you thru. especially andre and larissa.
Andre I've decided to just always be mad at you. It makes things easier. Don't mind it. I still luvya
Speak a the devil! o you want me to get offline so you can call me huh? Well i don't know. j/k lol Too bad you can't be online. I'm in a writing mood today. But under the circumstances i'll talk to ya instead. Write more later.

What an awesomely awesome day! It started out ok. by the middle i felt so weak that i thought i was gonna die(didn't even care about failing tests). but now i actually feel pretty great.
andre was mean to me. so i'm not so sure about him anymore. if he calls me tonight and we talk things over it might be ok again. but i don't know because life's a merry go round. and every day i experience the ups and downs. Just an emotional roller coaster.
Nell did point out something really brilliant. She said that if he really liked me that he wouldn't be afraid to say so and that he wouldn't hide it. and that Andrew is a flirter and he likes alot of other girls. and truthfully i've already thought of all that. So i guess ya know whatever happens happens. i'll let life take its course.
After school i had an appointment with my shrink. It was a really great session. in my opinion the best one yet. I came out feeling refreshed and good about myself. He def. helped me to sort things out.
o wells i wanted ot write more but i forgot what now. and people keep iming me calling me and demanding that i read they're emails! so i'll write more later.

and the confusion continues...

I don't know whats happening anymore. Nell acts like everythings ok and it hurts to say but its not. I wish it was. but I know its not and i can't deny this any more than she can. Its not fair to her if i pretend like everythings fine when i'm really somewhere else. She deserves the whole me. my undevided attention. Not what i'm giving her. It makes me feel like shit. i didn't mean to do this. One day i was whispering i love you and forever and always and the next i just couldn't. I thought i was in love. my life was great. She made it complete. and then i wanted more. I'm a greedy bitch. I have the best girlfriend in the world and i want more! what the fuck is my problem? She just wants to make me happy. and be with me. give me my every desire. and i fucking want more. if i have doubts now than why am i dragging this realtionship on ? I'm being unfair to everyone involved. sometimes i wish the ground would just swallow me up. and sometimes i'm still not sure. i feel like this is wrong because we were gonna be together forever and always. i betrayed her. what about all those unfulfilled promises? Why can't everything be the way it was
I'm sorry nell. i know your not gonna like this and thats why it hurts so much to type it. but i had to tell you. And yes i know what tuesday is its our 5 month anniversary. I love you baby please don't cry

baby im sorry but i've been home since nine and you havent called im very tired but ill wait here online ot see if your on. im sorry i didnt et to see you today but what about tomorow?? hey! i love you!
see yah soon sweetie bye!
ni night
xoxox
forever yours nelle
p.s guess what tuesday is??

Hey why you keep going on my sn nells? Go on your own or else it says written by jessica caisse and i didn't write it.silly!
i went driving last night and talked with aunt g didn't get back till 10:15 or so. I know you called but i couldn't call back cuz your mom woulda killed me it was too late. Plus i went to bed really early. I was asleep when you wrote this last night!

I give up.

Omg! What a crazy day! I'm confused as all hell...half sad but feeling guilty because i'm half relieved. yet i don't know if i'm doing the right thing. I know some day i will feel like i made the wrong choice.
Janelle agreed on letting me have some space and time to think. we are officially broken up for a week. At first i cried and cried and cried. because she sent me this really sad letter. and it sent me down memory lane. so many memories lost. My future in pieces. All the plans we made together gone. All the promises lost. A huge part of my life just torn away. but neway. its late and i still have hw and snizzle to do.
But i just want to let nell know that i love her i still do and i always will. I hope she understands that. and that its gonna be just as hard for me as it is her. I know in my heart that if things don't work out we'll be together again someday.

hey its under construction again. I accidently deleted something important i'm not sure what so i have to start over again. lol
Larissa emailed me can u believe it? Its all a bunch of shit tho! so i'm ignoring it.