You know i knew that was a mistake. Never should have let her near my blog!! :-P Always creating so much mischief and everything. Bad Larissa!!! and now i just havn't the heart to erase any of it because she wrote so much and of such quality. Babe i apologize for all of the painstaking attacks on your masculinity. I know those really hurt... I tried to explain it to her but she just wouldn't listen. :-( and besides I know that your aware of what i really believe. ;-)

So i was at dunkin donuts working my ass off and larissa visited me today!!! and she brought me home and we were gonna try and go to the uconn library but it was closed this week. So we went to the mall instead!!!! and I spent alot of money!!! (don't worry babe it was all gift cards) and so yea i'm content with my purchases. I just wish i could have remembered the cd i wanted while i was at FYE!!! umm I'm sleeping over her house tonight and then shes coming to church with me tomorrow. and u ask why would she do that?!!! Well theres a spaghetti supper afterwards!! Yeppers I have my tricks. hehehe

It's so cool now that she can drive!! We can hang out EVERY DAY!!! HEHEHE (don't worry ryan and janelle I'd get sick of her neways) :-P lol just playin...love u riss:-) but u kno it's true...

ok well got to go...probably won't write for a while. Gonna be in Boston for a while. Have a great vaca everyone!!!

Larissa's Random Thoughts in Jess' Blog, written while she's sitting right here next to me and laughing like I'm insane

Larissa's Random Thoughts in Jess' Blog, written while she's sitting right here next to me and laughing like I'm insane

Hola mi amigos/amigas! Or should I say, Salve amica (since Nelle's the only one who understands that because she takes Latin *dun dun dun*)! Como estas? I'm real, um, "interesting", how's the world? Bad? Good! So then everything's normal.

We're really really really really really really bored and tired. Jess looks like she's about to fall off the chair, so I must write in her place. She never writes in this thing, all she does is copy and paste song lyrics (so hard, u kno), so I must fill this thing with the melodious sound of a voice saying whatever randomly comes to her mind.

Wow, my mind just went blank. Now I know how it feels to be a prep, he he he! Lol, I kno, VERY bad. Be nice Larissa, the world is a wonderful happy place and everyone deserves to be loved *spreads flowers while she skips around*. Bah, HUMBUG!!! Thank the gods Christmas is over, it's such a pain in the tookas (sorry for 50's-ish display of language, parents around the corner)! Translation, I hate Christmas!

Jess wants me to make fun of her. Now she's claiming she doesn't, but I know inside she's waiting to hear what lovely words will come out of my mouth about her, so here it goes. Jess is the latest person I have ever met! She is NEVER on time for anything! Well, maybe not everything. Then again, Janelle is just as bad. She can't even get up for school! Lol, and Jess says I'm bad too, but . . . okay, I am. So, that's the Rank on Jess moment of the day, if anyone cares to submit one, my adress is Jessisapain@hotmail.com! Thank u!

Aww, now I feel bad, my poor innocent hessica! So tired, so tired! Poor baby! No!!!! Lesbian half run away! Run away! NO!!!!!! I'm a good straight girl, really I am! And I'm not scitzophrenic (yes, my spelling is v. bad) either!!! I swear! Be quiet! No YOU be quiet!!!! Ahh!!!! Make the voices stop! Make them stop!

Oh please don't run away everyone! I'm not crazy! I'm really not!!!! These white padded walls are for decorational purposes, I swear! Come back, and listen to me rant. I like ranting, ranting is GOOD!!!! And fun fun fun!

You know what's REALLY annoying? People who invade their children's privacy. And what's even MORE annoying is parents who invade OTHER children's privacy! What, are your own kids not interesting enough or something??? Stupid people, get a life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and btw, Kris is a very bad semi-bf, so I'm breaking up our semi relationship in favor of . . . someone else. Now who will take me?? Who who who who who? Maybe Johnny Depp *faints* will fall before my feet and recite me poetry *sighs*. Jess, however, does not appreciate Johnny Depp, she says he's ugly. Well f*** you Jess! Just because you got a man (he is a man, right?) doesn't mean you should squash the hopes and dreams of us poor, single girls!!!! Oh, and Jess would like to add that she has no control over anything I say/do because I'm a stubborn (insert fave swear word here), and that she's "sticking by her sexy man"! Isn't that cute? *sighs* How romantic!!! *gags* Don't worry Ryan (or is it, Ryanette?), I still love u (NOT THAT WAY, although I kno u want me to!!!!! You lost me buddy, you could have had it made!)

Oh, and if anyone cares, Jess is rolling on the floor in pain at my quote "nasty comments about Ryan". So she still loves you, Ryanette!

Lol, I've gotta go! I have a feeling I'm going to need to sign up for the Witness Protection Program after this blog, and I need to give the FBI some time to find a plane that will fly with a person "of my magnitude" on it!

Byeness!

Your Beloved Servant (and Jess' humble slave),

Larissa N. Jesanis
Professional B****

One of Us-Joan Osborne

I love this song!!


If God had a name
What would it be
And would you call it to his face
If you were faced with him in all his glory
What would you ask
If you had just one question

*And yeah yeah, God is great
And yeah yeah, God is good
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

**What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home

If God had a face
What would it look like
And would you want to see
If seeing meant that you would have to believe
In things like heaven, in Jesus,
And the saints and all the prophets

*Repeat

**Repeat

He's trying to make his way home
Back up to heaven all alone
Nobody calling on the phone
Except for the Pope maybe in Rome

First, I'm kinda tired so this entry is gonna be retarded. so don't read it if u don't wanna read something stupid. lol. I'm just bored and feel like writing...

I don't know if I want a snow day tomorrow. I already finished all my homework so there’s no reason not to go to school. Plus if there’s no school then there’s no Ryan and I don't know if I can go another day without seeing my Ryan.:-P Stupid snow!! I wish I could drive. Then it wouldn't really matter. But I'm testing soon so not too much longer. The other thing is I have tons of weird chemistry homework that I don’t really get and I don’t like not understanding it so I really wanna talk to mrs. Coan about it.
I think my averages this marking period are pretty good. I brought my algebra grade up like wo. I think it’s a 90 something now. And everything else was fine last marking period so it should be pretty good now…
Apparently Ryan talked to Mr. Frazier last week and he told him we had something pretty good going on. lol and it was great after school the other day Ryan was waiting for me by my locker and when I got there Mr. Frazier asked for my permission to borrow him for a minute. So I officially don’t mind Mr. Frazier as much anymore. As long as he buys us breakfast and continues to make us do un-academic things in his class I might even start to like him. :-P
On Friday we went to Janelle’s National Art honors society thing and I helped paint these toys that they’re donating to kids for Christmas. It was a lot of fun.
I think Christmas Day I’ll work a double shift that way someone who wants to be home with their family can be. My family usually does everything Christmas Eve anyway so it wouldn’t a big deal. Plus the time and a half really makes it worth it. It’s like 3 days of pay in one.
Ryan came over last night. He bought me chocolate peanut butter cup ice cream and we ate a huge bowl of it while we watched Gangs of New York. I didn’t think he’d actually get over here because he’s never allowed to do anything anymore so it was a good surprise. Of course when he got home it was followed by an interrogation of whether I was naked while he said prayers with me. Come on people! I don’t sleep naked and even if I did would it be appropriate to say prayers with my boyfriend while I was naked? We’re not married yet. Even so my family watches us like hawks when we’re in my room and the door has to be open. I don’t know what you think goes on over here. Ryan is my sponsor after all. Would it be appropriate to do immoral things with my sponsor or anyone for that matter? He simply kneeled on the floor next to my bed and said his childhood prayers with me. Then he kisses me on the forehead, shuts the door, and leaves. That’s all it is so you don’t have to worry.

lol ok this has to stop. My blog is turning into the write to Ryan’s parents page. It’s all I ever do anymore. I guess that’s why I was trying to write about other stuff tonight. But I kinda defeated the purpose by doing it again. O well I’m really hungry so I’m gonna go eat an elephant. :-P and remember chew away from the customers filter head!!
BABE YOU BETTER GET ALL YOUR NOTECARDS DONE OR ELSE… i’ll be really sad, disappointed, and stressed out for you. :-(

You say it’s unhealthy yet never really specify how. No relationship is perfect. I’d be surprised if your marriage was perfect. Maybe you should perfect your own before you go criticizing others, especially at such a critical time in our life. The course of true love is rarely smooth. I’m just curious as to where your coming from because you seem to think all of these things but never really confront me. And it seems it depends what day it is because quite often you take different sides. I think you know how it really is. You know what’s right but you let your opinions get overpowered because of your love for her. Or maybe you’re just too lazy to fight it. I know how hard it can be because Ryan is just as stubborn. But lack of communication and agreement never makes for a good relationship. Don’t turn this into something its not. Everything should be so much simpler…
I’ve thrown a lot at you so if you wanna explain your criticism or defend your position in any way then go ahead. I’d welcome anything you might say with open arms. I’m tired of the fake smiles and certainly don’t like it when you talk behind my back or my families for that matter. They do what they can, so don’t drag them into this.

email me: moonlightfaith@msn.com

hey jess what are talking about? on the wed post?

Jess: don't worry it wasn't for you...

Jimmy Wayne-I love you this much

He can't remember the times that he thought
Does my daddy love me?
Probably not
But that didn't stop him from wishing that he did
Didn't keep from wanting or worshiping him

He guesses he saw him about once a year
He could still feel the way he felt
Standing in tears
Stretching his arms out as far as they'd go
Wispering daddy, I wan't you to know

Chorus
I love you this much and I'm waiting on you
To make up your mind, do you love me to?
However long it takes
I'm never giving up
No matter what, I love you this much

He grew to hate him for what he had done
'Cause what kind of a father, could do that to his son
He said 'damn you daddy', the day that he died
The man didn't blink, but the little boy cried

Chorus

Half way through the service
While the choir sand a hymn
He looked up above the preacher
And he sat and stared at him

He said "Forgive me father"
When he realized
That he hadn't been unloved or alone all his life
His arms were stretched out as far as they'd go
Nailed to the cross, for the whole world to know

Alan Jackson-Remember When

Remember when I was young and so were you
And time stood still and love was all we knew
You were the first, so was I
We made love and then you cried
Remember when
Remember when we vowed the vows and walked the walk
Gave our hearts, made the start, it was hard
We lived and learned, life threw curves
There was joy, there was hurt
Remember when

Remember when old ones died and new were born
And life was changed, disassembled, rearranged
We came together, fell apart
And broke each other's hearts
Remember when

Remember when the sound of little feet was the music
We danced to week to week
Brought back the love, we found trust
Vowed we'd never give up
Remember when

Remember when thirty something seemed old
Now lookin' back, it's just a steppin' stone
To where we are, where we've been
Said we'd do it all again
Remember when

Remember when we said when we turned gray
When the children grow up and move away
We won't be sad, we'll be glad
For all the life we've had
And we'll remember when

Remember when
Remember when

Ok so let me get this straight...You don't want me there after everything that has "happened"? Well it's only what you make it out to be. To me, nothing has "happened". So i'm not exactly sure what you speak of... The only thing that's occured is i'm being rejected by the two people in this world who i couldn't wanna be more accepted by. And it hurts...

I love you ryan i wish i had been a bit more chipper on the phone earlier. I'm sorry i didn't make it easier. I failed my obligation of stability. and I love you nell sorry i was so grumpy earlier... I won't complain to you anymore. I know you'll probably just carry it over to kim and irritate her more anyways...

I have SOOO much to do!!!!! :-(

Vacation was wayyy too short. But i worked most of the time...So I havn't really recovered yet...Still kinda tired. Wednesday i went to the mall with Mike and Ryan and it seemed like everyone from East Catholic was there. We saw so many people. A bunch of friends were playing counterstrike and ryan played for a little while. But he died alot so that he could come and be with me. lol After we went to mikes house and watched some tv and then they dropped me off at work for 4. Thursday really sucked cuz i had to work Bonnie's shift from 12-6 and shes really bitchy. So I just kinda came home and cried. Then i sucked it up and went downstairs to eat thanksgiving dinner with the family. Friday morning Ryan and I both had work so we came back to my house after work and took showers. Afterwards we went to the bank to cash our checks and shopped for Christmas presents for people for like ever!! lol thats when i said "i feel more married every day." Cuz it felt wierd shopping for Christmas presents with him. lol and he was just like awww thats great!! Then he took me out to eat dinner at the 99. Overall it was a really good day. Saturday we both worked really early again and at 12 we had to rush to my house to get ready to help decorate for uncle wes's surprise bday. the party was at this moose club place in tolland. It was kinda boring but we were together so thats all that really mattered. We danced to friends in low places by Garth Brooks in the kitchen and it was really funny. lol ryan asked the bar tender for a Gin and Tonic and she was like excuse me did i just hear u ask for a gin and tonic? and he was like no no just a ginger ale. :-P Mom got there pretty late and it was silly cuz i was like hi mom how r u? Can we have shannon now? lol and then ryan stole her from me and he was just holding her and rocking her back and forth and he put her to sleep. It was really sweet. We wern't bored anymore after she got there. He went home around 10 and were both reallly tired cuz we'd been up since like 4.
Sunday and monday have both been really boring. yesterday i surprisingly watched alot of tv. Today I almost went crazy and stole the car . We're hoping he can still come over tonight if he gets his homework done.
Andrea our manager is really awesome and she scheduled us both for wednesday night so we get to work that together too. The rings come soon!! They're suppose to get here on the 11th so only a week and a half more. I really can't write today. Its been too long since I've had coffee. COFFFFFEEEEE!!! ok jess wake up!! But yea I think i broke a rib because I really can't move unless i take like 5 million tylenol a day but at the same time i refuse to go to the doctor because i don't have time. and besides I already know she'll just tell me to rest and take it easy. I feel sooo old!!!! lol I hope every one had a good thanksgiving!! Jessie

And I begin with another of my condescending rants…
But it all begins as it ends…
Ignorance is bliss…
Only those who listen find the truth…
Sometimes truth can be found in unsuspecting places…
You don’t have to admit defeat to follow the truth…
Rid yourself of self…
As I rid myself of self…

So I’m childish now am I? When will it ever end? Well who’s condemning me from their humble abode? I’ve gone there on a number of occasions not necessarily by choice. I do it out of love because it makes someone special to me happy. I’ll never hate you. It’s not my objective to hate. But I get emotional sometimes. I’m only human. In fact I can even say I love you. As of now I am indifferent. But someday... Someday I will love you. If your worried I’ll take your Ryan away from you then your worries are pointless. Even if it weren’t me then someone would take him away someday. Don’t worry I’ll share…and your always welcome in my home. I forgive you for any hateful comments you’ve made towards my family even if the sting still remains. I’ll get over it…
When I write in my blog it’s like a personal journal. I’m a teenage girl with tons of emotions and I’m still busy discovering myself. I try hard to stay emotionally stable and unbiased but its difficult and I can’t always do that. Sometimes I let my frustrations slip out into the open. This year hasn’t been easy. Hell growing up isn’t easy!! I know you want what is best for Ryan but so do I. Why can’t we do this together? I want him to achieve success and live a fulfilling life. The last thing I aim to do is hold him back or bring him down. It’s gotta be pretty hard as a parent. Decisions and roles don’t always come easy. I don’t deny that. I’m also not saying that I could do a better job but don’t cheat yourself by thinking that you can raise your kids alone. It takes a community because each person has something different to teach them.
Ryan is a remarkable person and I don’t think you always see that. Or maybe you do and your frightened because at the moment you don’t witness him achieving his full potential.
But you can’t live his life for him as I’ve been tempted to do. The choices he makes from here on will shape his life. They are all his and nobody can make them for him. They not only affect this life but lots of other people too and I think he’s aware of that. The point is that you can’t do this for him!!!
Give him some independence. Show him what responsibility is. Only he can choose his destiny. You can’t protect him from himself. He’ll have to be the one who lives with his choices. And he may not necessarily have the same dreams as you do. What brings him satisfaction may not necessarily match up to your standards. But if Ryan is happy then that’s all that should matter. Your happiness should come from his happiness and his likewise.
Don’t treat him like he’s two. Trust a little bit and you’ll be surprised with the results. The more you push him the less he respects you. I’ve watched this occur every step of the way. Towards the beginning I resisted but it all seems inevitable now. You’re choking him and he’s violently gasping for air. Life isn’t meant to be taken so seriously. The real pleasures are found spiritually. It doesn’t matter what Ryan accomplishes here. Material success will only bring you so far and he realizes that. In the end all that matters is God. All that matters is love. If Jesus came to you and said give all of your possessions to the poor and come follow me…Could you do it? Could you really though?
“Those who love are content with only a small house” have you realized that yet? I’m sure you have it just appears as though you haven’t from the outside. I mean who cares about how many miles are put on a jeep? Or how much money he spends on a girl? Certainly not God. It won’t get you to heaven. Does God have a plan for Ryan? Yes he does and I’m quite certain it involves me in some way. Whether transient or not... And if it doesn’t well I’d be saddened but I’m open to that too. We made it through everything that happened a couple weeks ago and to me that’s a visible sign.
Just stop worrying so much. Ryan knows what he has to do. It’s not always easy for him but he’ll get there.
Trust me! I wish I could pick him up and carry him down the path so that he didn’t have to be taunted by life but I know I can’t. He knows where he has to go but the more you push him the further he becomes discouraged. Not to mention your blood pressure would decrease. :-P
I know you probably won’t listen to anything I have to say. You wont take any of this seriously. It probably wont even touch you. But I’m telling you now your son; your baby boy needs you. He’s nearing the edge. If you wont listen to me then please just listen to him. Look past trivial matters and practicalities. Screw the ideals of society. Why follow what remains when the rest are corrupt? Tradition can only be taken so far. You can’t always use what you’ve always known. We live in a different world now. Look at Ryan’s friends. I don’t think they’ll grow up any less fortunate just because they are allowed freedoms. Sometimes you have to apply what you’ve learned based on a unique situation. Break free if such traditions. In Ryan’s case they wont get you far. Your little boy’s growing up. Do this for him because he needs you!

BLUEBERRIES!!!! 4--> N-->

Left my house at quarter to 6 am. didn't get home until 11 pm. Went to sleep at 12 am. but i was with ryan the WHOLE time so it was definately worth it. We worked yesterday morning. then we went to his house and did some chores like cleaning his room and stuff. and we we're gonna go see the cat in the hat but decided its better to save money. So we stayed at his house and his sister made us dinner because his parents were out. I wanted to help but they seem to think i can't do anything right.:-P We watched the Shawshank Redeption and i fell asleep on him during this horrible movie called The Hulk. :-P
Before he left my house we said prayers together and he tucked me into bed. It was really nice. :-)
Yesterday was the first day in a long time that we've actuallly really spent some good quality time together...every day before that it was always stressful because he had to finish college apps. or we couldn't do something because he wasn't done yet. like last weekend. I guess really its just a look at how its going to be next year and when we grow up. But nooo i don't want it to be that way!! too much responsibility. I just want it to be us in oru own little world...

This has to have been the worst week ever. I've been so half asleep for its entity. Is that even a word? lol i dunno but neway...
I think working late on tuesday threw me off. and then work thursday. and then tomorrow realllly early!!! yea work brings me down i'll have to admit it. and then i end up late for school because i sleep through my fire engine alarm clock. no joke. its so freaken loud u can hear it through my entire house and it wakes everyone up but me. i don't even remember hearing it.
Ryan is almost done with his college apps though. that was a big part of my discontent. Still is until he fully finishes...
and then some people just piss me off. I guess i just have different views on life and its hard to understand. I just think ryan should be treated a bit more human. Its not every year you get to be 17. Everything that happens is so overdramatized. and everytime I'm around his parents if i don't remind myself to ignore them i come home depressed. Its just not my ideal preference for future parent in laws. We'll be living far far away and a certain someones number will be blocked. Did i mention we'll be spending holidays alone? It kinda sucks that the kids wont know their grandparents. I suppose i shouldn't compare him to some of my friends who have a ton of freedom because looking at them in unison makes it look pretty ridiculous... ok all that was pretty harsh and i usually try to be peaceful but holding it back is really hard! Thats just how i feel alot of the time. ok so for better news...homework isn't due until Monday! umm yea i can't think of anything much better to look forward to... might see ryan tomorrow night but that means i have to be mentally stable or i may concede defeat.

(sighs) geeze,thats a pitty.
lol j/k ok im going to slam ryan into a locker tomorrow i've had enough of his procrastinating,ignorant self!
dont hurt me im just saying so...bye!
: D

I'm going crazy. I feel like a have a term paper due tomorrow and have none of it done. In actuality i have nothing due tomorrow. but i pace back and forth and get this sick feeling in my stomach. I just want to crawl under a rock and never come out. If Ryan doesn't get his college apps done soon then i don't know what I'm going to do. He has so much to do and theres nothing i can do. I've tried everything and nothing seems to work. When i'm mean, i go insane and the results arn't worth it. When i'm nice and send him love he takes a nap. and all the pressure thats on him right now is on me too. I'll be so happy when all of this crap is finally over. If its ever over. He just can't seem to concentrate long enough to get his shit done. and I know in everyones eyes that it'll be all my fault if he doesn't. He'll promise me over and over that he'll get it all done and then I'll just forgive him when he doesn't because I don't know what else to do or how else to handle it.

We got report cards today. I hate math!! i mean i don't really i just hate myself for letting my algebra grade slide cuz i know i could have done better. overall i didn't do too bad. I'm happy because my overall average is a point higher then ryans. :-P lol but of course hes in all AP classes. So it doesn't really count. ..:-( but all my teachers gave me really good comments so i guess that felt good.
I have to get up soooo early tomorrow!! I'm working the 6-12 shift. It sucks so much. and ryan wont even be there because he thought he was going to have eastern regionals so he took the day off. :-( He got to come over today though so I'm happy for that. We were real tired tho so its all just kind of a blur. i've come to the conclusion that I'm really not good at writing lately. Too lazy or tired I guess. O well who cares. If you don't like it don't read it. :-P

whatever its mine now. i've only been using it for like ever!

tid tid is def my word!!!!

I'm soooo tid tid!! (tid tid=tired) I just got back from a double date with Mike and Sarah. It went well. We went shopping at West Farms Mall for like ever!!! then we went over Mikes and watched the movie Just Married Ryans calling soon... ni night...

Its been a busy couple of days. As always homecoming night sucked ass. Me and rissa hung out at katrina's bday party on Sat. was alot of fun because we met this guy named brian. he was kinda wierd tho because he wore like gothic clothes and spiked his hair way high yet he liked rap crap. So I dunno. wierdo. lol
Yesterday i was eucharistic minister for the first time. It was kinda scary yet it really wasn't. What was scary is i was wearing this fuzzy angora sweater and i was afraid i'd feed people fuz instead of eucharist. lol I got this really cool purple cross to wear when i'm eucharistic minister too. no really i'm not wearing it right now. :-P ok ok i am its just too cool. lol
but after that i went over ryans house and spent alot of time on his couch reading this scholarship book A Picture of Dorian Gray. It really is quite an odd book. I'm really happy for Ryan because he finished his college essay. lol it was so funny. I was like RYAN finish your essay and hes like noooo i want JESSAY!! lol
After that we went to youth group and i had to stop him from eating all of the snacks because he eats like he has a tape worm or something. He could just eat forever. lol
After youth group Ryan wanted to see the CCD class that he proctored last week. So we went there and ended up teaching them as a team for an hour and a half. It was alot of fun because we got to talk about relationships and teach them everything we know. Even though there was so much more that we could have said we did a good job. They liked talking to us and asking questions too. So by then it was about 8:00 and i had to buy those stupid slip free shoes for work so we went to Wal-Mart and i picked those up. We got a couple of cds too. Ryan got the Beatles and i got the new martina mcbride cd. Lol but as we were leaving we're like bouncy balls!!! no we're not obsessed with them ryan's dad is obsessed with them. so i spent like $3.00 in quarters buying bouncy balls for his dad. I was like ryan this is what u do. Every time ur dad gets pissed you pull one out and say here dad have a bouncy ball. lol really we just wanted to make him happy but it was funny to put it into that context.
After that we were gonna go to the movies but we went there and decided we didn't really feel like seeing the matrix and there wasn't much else playing. We saw Rissa and katie there tho and talked to them for a little bit. then we left and decided to go get something to eat. We went to chilis and it was so awesome because we had like the entire palce ot ourselves. Sunday night is the best time to go out to eat. Ryan being very silly and out of it decided to turn the table into a field and use the coasters to hit the bouncy balls across the table. lol it'd bounce off the table and everywhere but it didn't really matter because we were the only ones there basically. It was a tie game....
Then he brought me home and my mom was here dropping my sister off so i got to see Shannon. I was so tired though that i pretty much fell asleep holding her. I decided that its really not fair that Ryan has to leave me every night and i don't wanna deal with it nemore. It sucks being 16 and i can't wait until we're old enough to have our own place....
I have my second day of work tonight. I'll prob get my uniforms and stuff. I really don't wanna work. Why'd i get this job neway? o yea i wanna buy stuff....

Ryan everytime you feel down just remember...

YOU and I. WE can make a life for ourselves. Together we can move mountains of DOG DOO. All of the shit life throws at us we'll chew up and spit right back. Babe do this with me. Remember your the pillar. The beacon of stability. You've taught me so much. I'd be no where without you. and You've made a difference in so many peoples lives. Not just mine. Just realize how great you are, how important you are, and how much you mean to everyone around you. We've been given such an awesome gift to be able to grow up and face life together...because its sure not easy alone. If I could sit across the porch at God I'd thank him for lending me you...
Someday we'll be ready to make a life together. Through our love we'll bring new life into this world. We'll look into each others eyes and the pride will just overflow. I can't wait for that moment when we'll just be able to block the world out. Even if its only for a short time. WE WILL. But until then we have to prepare for that moment. If this is the life we choose (which it is on my part because i've always been determined not to follow in my mothers footsteps) then we have to work hard for it. No one will hand us our dreams in a sugarcoated truffle.

Babe I kno we can do this together. Now prove it to me and take the initiative!! If you keep your half of the bargain then I'll work on mine. I love you more then words can express...
Love Always,
Jessica

Time goes by so fast, and days they seem to dance
Into the distance till they're gone
If I had a map, to lead you down life's path
I'd give it to you, But I don't
So go on

Cry hard, Laugh Loud
Be humble, Stand Proud
And don't be afraid of your fears
Let love break your heart
Just be who you are
All of this
All that there is
I wish for you

You can never know which way your world will turn
How the stars are gonna fall
Salty tears they burn
There are lessons you will learn
But you'll be stronger for it all
Oh, yes you will

Cry hard, Laugh Loud
Be humble, Stand Proud
And don't be afraid of your fears
Let love break your heart
Just be who you are
All of this
All that there is
I wish for you

Cry hard, Laugh Loud
Be humble, Stand Proud
Hold onto your faith with all your heart
Be careful, Be brave
Be still, but don't stay
In any one place for too long
Remember God's grace
Give more than you take
All of this
All that there is
I wish for you

If I had a zillion dollars and the whole
world on a string
Diamonds in my pockets and the power of a king
I don’t think I’d be any happier than I am right now
‘Cause money’s only paper, It might buy a lot of stuff
But if money’s what your chasing
You won’t ever have enough
‘Cause the best things in life
Might not be free but they sure are cheap

Like sunshine, blue skies and the river on
a hot hot day
Moonlight and a good fight, standing out
In the pouring rain
So many things that money buys
But really nothing I can find
Like sunshine and love

There is something about the moment
When two hemispheres collide
And someone opens up their world and lets
You see inside
And you realize that everything that you’ve
been waiting for
For your whole life is standing right there
There ain’t nothing like love

Like sunshine, blue skies and the river on
a hot hot day
Moonlight and a good fight, standing out
In the pouring rain
So many things that money buys
But really nothing I can find
Like sunshine and love

And sunshine, blue skies and the river on a
Hot hot day
Moonlight and a good fight standing out
In the pouring rain

Like sunshine, blue skies and the river on
a hot hot day
Moonlight and a good fight, standing out
In the pouring rain
So many things that money buys
But really nothing I can find
Like sunshine and love

get better hun i love you

day in and day out
i look to see u there
your eyes fill me with love
your soul brings me joy
With u i become fulifilled
i wish it may i wish it might

From the very first day we met
I knew i'd be best friends with u
Just looking across the room
your thoughts touched mine

apparently our plans coincided
because just look at us now
at one point we were inseparable
some say even attatched at the hip
now i begin to wonder

i dreamt you'd always be there
lingering in the deep dark light
I ponder where it all began
and if so where it all might end
u say stuff that hurts
and my heart struggles to forget

It digs deep down
I bleed from within
but day after day
i just sit and give in


I kno i'll alway stick around
because i just can't bare to say no
there'd be too much lost
too much about u to let go

I begin to wonder if its really meant to be
If only i knew all the answers
If only life were much simpler then it is
but its not so i'll just take it all in stride

I'll let God give me the answers
to this freaken roller coaster ride
I'll drift upon this earth
like a leaf fallen from a vine

flying through the air
without a menial care
I try to understand why nothing seems to be fair

Maybe someday...
maybe someday I'll be what u want me to be
or is it what i want me to be?
some listless yet hopeful day we might find out

but for now the mystery descends or ascends
will it unravel?
who knos...
where it all will go
where it all will end?
and much much more
Precious moments remain until then...

and as quoted form mike:
some sadistic subconcience keeps me going for what twisted pleasures i know not...

O Wonderful life-breath your glory upon me-give me strength-give me power-so be it

Life is good. I've been told i looked like christina aguilara today. I talked to a bird. By next week i'll be 6-3 in fantasy football and kicking everyones ass. Even Greg the God of football. Move over cuz Jess is taking over!! I kno i kno that was lame. I'm just very tired and i get competitive with football. oh and we're having the good kind of chicken for dinner. It can't get ne better!! Ohhh and tomorrow's a half day. and there's dress down days all week long. This week kicks serious ass.
The only bad thing is Ryan wasn't in school today. :-( I don't know what i can do to give him the motivation he needs to get his work done. I just wish i could be right there for him helping him to concentrate but i can't do that because of parents. The most i can do is send my love and keep bugging him about all of his assignments without seeming so much like his mom that he ignores me. There's a fine line to balance it all upon. I just know hes worthy of so much more then Uconn. So i don't wanna see that happen. please babe i love you do your work!!
g2g do some english extra credit...ciao!

Anniversary Time!!

It's almost the 30th. :-)

i want my c-d!!!

Chantal Kreviazuk-What if it All Means Something

If I could do anything for you, believe me I would
Do you feel the same? Feel the same as me?
If I could be anyone for you believe me I would
I'm not ashamed not ashamed to be
Its hard for me to know sometimes I feel like letting go
But what if it all means something?
What if it all
What if it all means something?
What if it all
If I could go anywhere for you, believe me I would
I'd run away, I'd ran away,
I'd leave.
If I could fix everything for you, believe me I would
Do you feel the same, feel the same as me?
Its hard for me to know, well maybe I should just let go.
But what if it all means something?
What if it all
What if it all means something?
(I wanna know)
What if it all
Leave me alone
I'm falling
If I could do anything for you, believe me I would
Do you feel the same? Feel the same as me?
Its hard for me to know well maybe I should just let go
But what if it all means something?
(I wanna know)
What if it all
What if it all means something?
(I wanna know)
What if it all
Yeah what if it all means something, something, something
I know it all means something.

Yesterday went well. I saw brent this kid that used to have a crush on me when i was in like 5th grade. He asked me if i was a good girl or a bad girl. I said i dunno i'm just me. lol
Shannon was so awesome during the whole ceremony. She didn't cry once. I can just tell shes gonna be something great when she grows up.
Ryan didn't end up being able to come with me. So i was kinda bored but i found stuff to do. I got home around 7:30 and then he came over. I was sitting upstairs working on hw and all the sudden the dogs started barking. It was a good surprise. but he left around 11. :-(
I don't wanna go to school tomorrow. too much hw...

ok so ryan calls me at 9. Guess what? we're going to look at colleges! lol so i took a really quick shower and ran out the door and we spent the day in Boston with his dad. We went to BU and BC. Boston University had a horrible campus. Boston College had an awesome campus but it just seemed like a bigger version of east catholic and i dunno that was scary. So the college search is far from over on my part. I really think i'll go somewhere warm for college. That would be a big plus. maybe hawaii or something. It was so damn cold today and we spent alot of the time outside walking around campus.
I have a ton of work to do. a couple different projects and a take home test. So i'll be up a while...

psats went well. i think i did pretty good. I hung out at nick's house all afternoon. ryans here now. we're going to the movies. ciao

Why am i so tired? I slept 13 hours last night. I just didn't wanna wake up for school today so i didn't. I have so much stuff to do and not enough time. The psats are tomorrow and i really wanted to study so much more then i have. but its ok. i kno i'll do well. I just could have done so much better. My little sister Shannon's baptism is coming up soon. I'm really hoping ryan can come to it. It's on a saturday so i think he will be able to come...but who knows cuz his parents are crazy.
I havn't seen Shannon in so long. I really miss her a ton. Shes such a cutie. The party after should be cool too because it's at stash's cafe and like my whole family should be there.
Patriots won the game yesterday!!! woo hoo!! it was a good one. It went into overtime because they were tied with miami 13 to 13. but then brady threw the ball to the endzone and they made a touchdown. So the final score was 19-13. I kno good stuff!
I have to get together to discuss outing club stuff with mr. scorco but i think it will have to wait till moday because i don't have netime this week.:-(
Its funny i miss hanging out with nick. but i really don't think he misses hanging with me. So i make myself forget that i miss it. Denial its such a great thing. I kno he reads my blog. but i think hes too lazy to read everything above this. So he wont get this far. :-P My other theory is that i could write it in words too big for him to comprehend. lol or i could write it in spanish and he'd be too lazy to translate it. but no i'll just stick with my first one. I don't care if he reads it neway. I just miss his adorable laugh and cute smiles. and the way he'd always make fun of me. or the way that i could always predict what he was doing or thinking. now i'll talk to him and feel like thats all gone. but what did i really expect? I guess its prob good that it is.
Off to take the practice psat. ciao

i miss ryan...

meah ga gi gi blah!
ok night!

it's essential to face the world with a childlike perspective. Keep your innocence. Stay true to your beliefs and always have faith. Allow yourself to stray every now and then. For everytime u do you learn something new. Just remember where home is. Be aware of all truths not just innocence. Ignorance is an aversion to prosperity. Success in the physical world means nothing if you're not spiritually content...

lol no shit sherlock!!

.......you are who you are..good luck..

: )

Some people tell me, that you're not my kind
And i believe them, but i can't get you out of my mind
Some people tell me that i should stay away
Maybe I will... some other day

'Cause it feel right
And it feels good
And i don't do always what i should
And I know what makes me happy
And in my heart you're it exactly

I don't wanna do right, I just want you tonight
Not just only in my dreams
Save my best behavior, for a little later
'Cause I'm only 17
Think i made my mind up, i got time to grow up
Face responsibility
Livin' in the moment, keepin' my heart open
While I'm only 17

(Only 17...)

I'll learn my lessons, and i'll make mistakes
And If i get burned (get burned), it'll be my heart to break
It isn't easy, hearing what they say
Sometimes you've got to take a leap of faith

'Cause it feel right
And it feels good
And I'm not gonna do something stupid
Just this once, i wanna feel like
I can do what i want when i hold tight
[Chorus:]

I don't wanna do right, I just want you tonight
Not just only in my dreams
Save my best behavior, for a little later
'Cause I'm only 17
Think i made my mind up, i got time to grow up
Face responsibility
Livin' in the moment, keepin' my heart open
While I'm only 17
(Only 17...)

[Bridge:]
Anyone, who's ever been in love
Has got to know
What it means to have a dream
And no one can say anything
To change my mind, no, not this time

I don't wanna do right, I just want you tonight
Not just only in my dreams
Save my best behavior, for a little later
'Cause I'm only 17
Think i made my mind up, i got time to grow up
Face responsibility
Livin' in the moment, keepin' my heart open
While I'm only 17
(Only 17...)

Baby, got time to grow up...
.. to face responsibility...
...hopin'... open...
Cause I'm only 17...

i learned things from that retreat!
not just that i relate everything to rainbows either lol!

This week has been bittersweet. lots has happened. too complicated to explain it all now. Even then i'm not really sure if its worth it because everything seems transient... so thats why i hesitate. Hopefully the answers will come to me soon.
Other then that tomorrow is the junior retreat. I'm not really sure who exactly is going. I just know it cost alot of money!! But its worth it to dress down and get a day off from school don't u think? It'd be cool if i could get something spiritual out of it too but from past experiences my class just takes it as a joke.

and i start anew...

I sit here on this Valentine's Day
Not knowing what to say
For with you I'd rather be
So I could show what you mean to me
But illness keeps me away
So now I will find a way to put into words what I'd rather display
How from the very first day I knew
There was something special about you
In how you could make my heart fly
And all my logic you could defy
The conversations on the phone
When we wish the world would just leave us alone
And talking without a care about time
About anything that comes to mind
How not a single day is bland
As long as I have held your hand
And all my worries disappear
Whenever I hold you near
The way it seems you can read my mind
When you fill in the words I can't find
And to me you have shown
A deeper love than I have ever known

I post this hoping it'll help me remember how things used to be. Ryan wrote it for me on Valentines day and it made me cry. He'll prob kill me for posting it here. but o well...

aww nell hun i love you too. U know that right? u have entire entries about u in here too!!

nick nick ryan ryan....no nell..: ( oh well im fine

Went on a total shopping spree!! Spent 122 dollars and bought alot of clothes!! nick seriously talked me into spending soo much but it feels good. We had tons of fun. I saw John Aiello at the mall with some girl. After shopping we ate dinner at Taco BEll. mmmm...lol j/k We drove around a ton too. Must have went by the parkade like 20 times. can't wait for the jets patriots game sunday...
Love u ryan...

Went over Nick's. We watched movies and went out to dinner with his family. And dude they r so cool!!

I went over nick's house today and we watched the game. At random intervals pillows would go flying in different directions so we decided we should start a show called "When Pillows Attack!!"We played pool and i allllmost won. :-P I only lost over the 8 ball. Yes I know i'm proud of myself...
Subway is good and the Jets suck...

Reaching out for something you've got to feel
while clutching to what you had thought was real

kicking at a dead horse pleases you
no way of showing your gratitude
so many things you don't want to do
what is it? what have you got to lose

what the hell
what is you think you're gonna find?
hypocrite
boredom sets into the boring mind

struggle within it suits you fine
struggle within your ruin
struggle within you seal your own coffin
struggle within the struggling within

home is not a home it becomes a hell
turning it into your prison cell
advantages are taken, not handed out
while you struggle inside your hell

reaching out
grabbing for something you've got to feel
closing in
the pressure upon you is so real

struggle within it suits you fine
struggle within your ruin
struggle within you seal your own coffin
struggle within the struggling within

reaching out for something you've got to feel
while clutching to what you had thought was real
what the hell

what is you think you're gonna find
hypocrite
boredom sets into the boring mind

struggle within it suits you fine
struggle within your ruin
struggle within you seal your own coffin
struggle within the struggling within
-Metallica

I don't know whats happening really or what i want to happen. This week has just been crazy. I'm not sure its back to normal. I just hope it gets to be again. I know I felt it for all of 30 minutes again last night. And that was good. So maybe it all just depends on my mindset. That could play a big part. I just know that i've felt all of this before and i don't like it. I hate the way it happens. Is it God telling me its time to move on? I realllly hope not.:-( If he is then i'm definately in denial...
On to bigger better things i talked to mr. scorco yesterday and he got me alll excited about starting the outing club. He wants to go on at least one trip before it gets too cold to hike and camp and stuff. So he told me to get the names of people who might be interested this week and let him know. I'm pretty sure i can get quite a few. we'll see...
I had a nightmare last night. It wasn't pretty. It was more realistic then the one i had last week about furby attacking. I hope it never comes true...

I went to the races with Nick and Chris:-) We had a good time. My sister and her dad were there too. It was so funny. Too many good times to summarize them all. I realized tonight that I've done something with Nick everyday this week and then some last week. I hadn't noticed before. I guess the occasion just arises often. *yawns* I'm really tired. ni night

To summarize the past couple days: Orientation went alright. went to the mall with nick on Friday. larissa met us there and we ran into ryan and mike and hung with them for a little while. then we dropped larissa off and went over janelle's. Made brownies then went to nicks house and watched comedy central all night. Pigged out at his house. Then we brought janelle home and then he brought me home. Had a good talk on the way home. Decided what it is that we don't like about mike...talked about society and stuff.
Saturday I worked and then ryan came over for our 8 month anniversary. Sunday i went to church and youth group and then worked and mowed the lawn when i got home. Then summer reading...
Been working on summer reading all day today...wish ryan was here...

Why does it bother me so much that i'm accepted by ryan's parents? I mean his Dad is usually cool and all but i swear his mom hates me...:-( and if she doesn't then she wishes I wasn't so important to him.
I just wish people would realize how much we mean to eachother sometimes...

Worked most of the weekend. Just starting to realize how close school is. Falling into a workaholic depression... becoming insane...no time left...
monday and tuesday ryans coming over...
wednesday i'm going to the mall with Nell..
Thursday is orientation...
Friday i need to get together with someone to take notes on all my books...(so if someone i kno with the same books who reads this lemme kno if u wanna get together) airgoddess05@yahoo.com
Working saturday, sunday, and monday...and after school the rest of the week...
Tuesday school starts...then my insanity begins...

I slept over Janelle's house on Wednesday night. Twas tons of fun... It would have been better if only i had known Ryan was coming to pick me up just as i was making plans. He got here right before i left and it was just so hard because i had to hug him, say i love you, and tare myself away. He was gonna pick me up and we would have had all night...:-(
but no regrets because i hadn't seen my Nell in almost a month. Yes I tell you an entire month!! so we pretty much just harassed her brother the whole time and talked. laughed alot. Would have bonded if that was at all possible but i think we're already too close for that. We decided we really are the closest friends there ever were. Its just really incredible how she always knows how i feel. Like when i'm uncomfortable or tired or grumpy or even something suttle just a small change i try to hide she always knows how i feel or what i'm thinking...
Onto bigger more depressing issues...Ryan has had to work everyday this week and so have i minus 2 days and on the opposite shift. He works days and i always work nights. Our shifts have about an hour in between which is pretty much only enough time for him to get home. Which means i prob won't see him until monday. I talked to him yesterday for probably the first real time since LAST monday! :-( and to top that off i was depressed so really didn't get that much from it. g2g ciao...

dammit!! my entire post just deleted!! well in essence i guess i just said yesterday was a very up and down day and that i hope dreams do not come true afterall because mine last night was very bizarre...

This weekend was sooo great!!! We (ryan, kat, aunt G, and I) left ct on thursday night after i got outta work. We went to her house that night. Friday morning at 10:00 Ryan and i took the tour of MIT. and jeez that was just depressing i tell ya!! He could make it in easily but me? not in a million years... After that we picked up lunch at the lunch trucks and then we ate it at the garden on the roof. Then we took the T From Kendall square to Downtown Crossing. lol and everytime Ryan saw sun glasses at a kiosk or something we HAD to stop and look at them. lol and we went thru the wedding dresses at Filenes basement and hes just like lets pick one out!! I bought some school shoes at DSW and an old Chantal Kreviazuk cd at Strawberries. By then it was almost 4 so we went back to aunt G's office and waited for her there. Then we went to pick up the canoes for our camping trip. We met aunt g's friend Marco there and by then i was just psycho cuz i was so overtired yet hyper. We stopped at Trader Joes to pick some stuff up and shopping without rolling around on the floor laughing my ass off was a challenge.
On Sat we left for New Hampshire. I was grumpy for pretty much the whole day. We got to the drop off and waited for everyone to arrive. (meanwhile Ryan and i had mad passionate sex on a nearby island:-P) We practiced canoeing back and forth up and down the Saco River. then everyone finally got there and we left. We encountered some rapids and Ryan and I were pretty much the only canoe that came out with no damage. Marco and heather ended up splitting their canoe in half. (which miraculously conformed back to its usual shape afterward. ) The whole time Ryan and I bickered about which way we were going and he wouldn't listen to me when i told him to trade sides so we ended up zig zagging across the river 95% of the time. Finally i made him steer because that way he could see what i was doing in the front and maybe be a bit more in sync with me. :-P That worked much better. Finally we got to the sandbar where we decided to camp. I ate a huge dinner. Then we sat around the campfire and went to bed. The next day we packed everything up and headed home. Ryan gave me a piggy back ride and then threw me in the river. Bastard!!! lol j/k
when we got to my house his dad stayed for a little while and had cake and ice cream for everyones bday. Bruno was being such a cutie. He'd go back and forth between me and Ryan begging for attention.
I didn't wake up until 2:30 today!! Didn't kno what time it was though because my clock was blinking. tell more later...

Life is wonderful!!!

just got back...Moms was ok...have to work in an hour or so...miss ryan tons...

lol well thx janelle...once again what would i do without you? I have no idea what has gotten into me...Must have been hanging out with too many bad ass guys lately...Surely you kno how that sometimes occurs? lol
So i just got back from Larissa's house. I went over there yesterday morning and then we spent the day at Uconn. Twas alot of fun. We pretty much spent most of our time at the library and i did some summer reading....annnnd OMG!! I met the coolest guy!! His name is Sam and i wanna be his friend. He worked at the bookstore that we went to between study sessions. and it was funny because we went in there and i picked up 2 of the 5 books that used to be his and r in the store. So it was just ironic. but not to worry Ryan i didn't flirt a single bit. :-) In fact i thought he was gay at first but i guess he really wasn't. I think the main characteristics i really liked were his open-ness and obvious spirituality. but i have so many awesome books lined up now. I can't wait to read them all...:-)
ummm so i'm going to my moms house tonight...and I'll be back monday or so cuz of work...Rissa let me borrow her camera so i'll be taking tons of pics...ciao

jess that F word is seriously not attractive or lady like or neccesary i suggest you stop that!

Thx for the support hun!! : P IT'S JUST SO FUCKING HARD!!!! ummmm...yesterday was fun minus the car crash. that was kinda depressing because I really don't have the money to be paying for a new tail light. DON'T ASK!! but i went to the mall and out to eat with someone whos name i wont mention and apparently backing out of my driveway in the dark is a great difficulty. But we got matching sandals and that was cool. lol
umm i freaken work for like 2 fucking hours tonight... i kno tell me about it. It's pretty stupid...
Then I'm going to my Mom's this weekend. Hopefully Lenny will be cool and not give me any weekend hours even though I REAAAAALLLY need the money! but yea overall I'm kinda depressed because theres so much i gotta do and school's starting soo soon. Plus my gma is being a bitch and a half about stupid shit...lol i think i know what part of it might have to do with though.*WARNING DON'T READ THIS IF YOUR JANELLE OR YOU DON'T WANT BAD IMAGES IN YOUR HEAD* Ryan and I were up in my room being really silly and overexaggeratingly making out. Just making noises and stuff. like oooo ahhhh that feels sooooo good!! and it was really funny. But all the sudden we hear what r u guys doing up there?! so she thinks we were like having sex or something but the ironic thing is we were just making fun of it...So we just crack up laughing... ya'll should try it sometime...*OK YOU CAN READ AGAIN*
hmm what else...ohh i had a most interesting conversation with Tony last night. lol I have to say it goes down in history as one of the WIERDEST most oblivious convos i have ever had...ciao peoplez! catch ya'll later...

THANK GOD!! lol im j/k : P

ok guys i'm really sorry...i just reread my posts and i mean 95% of them are about Ryan...So i'll stop doing that. cuz its got to be pretty boring and pathetic to read about...

Ryan came over yesterday around 11. We read summer reading for about an hour and a 1/2 and then we made lunch together. The menu consisted of hamburgers, baked potatoes, salad, and cherry coke in champagne glasses!! He had to work at 5 but it got cancelled because of the rain. So that was super cool. While he was gone tho i talked to Nell on the phone and she cheered me up a bit.(I was sad because i thought he still had work at that point) LoL we made pancakes together and had our own little cooking show. And we went to get the mail together and it was raining so hard and i only had one hand and we always get alot of mail and i dropped it all in a puddle!! It was really funny!! and then Nell broke her screen door!!! I was like total clutz!! lol After the cooking show Ryan came back to my house and we just chilled up in my room...It was really nice. We just held eachother and talked. Then we did a bit more summer reading and fell asleep. Which in turn caused him to miss his curfew. Before he left he tucked me in for bed and told me a story and we said prayers together. It was really sweet because he taught me this prayer he made up when he was a little boy...and it just brought tears to my eyes. At this point it took so much will power to let him leave... It was just a perfect day and we were obviously sad that it had to end...
Today i went over his house and helped clean his room (Dusty!!!!lol) and bring a new bedroom set in...That was good because i havn't been to his house in a long time... But we did that and then they dropped me off at work at around 5. and Ryan and his mom and sister got ice cream at the Dari Bar. Work went alright...got payed tonight so that was cool.
Tomorrow theres this youth group picnic thing we're going to.
I was on the phone with Ryan tonight and just talking about how the summers almost over. There's only like 3 weeks left!! :-( and between work and camping and going to my moms house it'll go by in no time. The realization was just kinda depressing. :-( I mean i'm almost done with summer reading and stuff. Only part of a book left...But i don't want it to come yet!!! I just kno i have to work so hard this year. and I'm not ready for it. Not yet... and then pretty soon b4 i know it Ryan will be going off to college and that gets me even more depressed. I mean i know we can do it together but its just gonna be really hard. And i don't want anything to change. Everything is so great between us now. I don't wanna lose him or any aspect of our relationship. Because it all means so much to us. but yea I'll stop boring ya'll now...So have a wonderful night!!!

Ryan came over last night!!! I was upstairs studying for SATs and and the dog starts barking. and guess what? Ryan was here!!! It was good because i was in such a bad mood last night so he got me out of it. We only had a couple hours but we looked at the stars and it was nice. but yea thx to his Dad for letting him come over. :-)
I have work tonight and then Saturday. ciao!

DON'T EVER READ A BOOK ABOUT PHOSPHORUS!!!! IT'S EXTREMELY BORING!!

Monday was good.:-) Yesterday I worked and got in a silly fight with Ryan. lol And today's our 7 month anniversary!!!! so I love you Ryan...forever and always->
I finished Killer angels last night. So i only have one summer reading book left. and its shorter then the last book so i should be able to do it. ummm I'm not doing much today. Just tanning and stuff. I work tomorrow and Saturday though.
k thats about it...

Why thankyou Janelle my dear. :-) WIERDO!! lol j/k i kno i was in a very dramatic mood. O well watcha gonna do... love does that I suppose... But everything did turn out ok.
I survived Friday night by burying myself in books when i got home from work. Then Ryan drove me to work last night and he picked up his bike so he can come over tomorrow... Today i had work too. and i got payed!! yayness!! Lenny was so awesome. He's like i gave you a couple extra dollars don't tell the other girls!! and i felt kinda bad for them but i dunno. Its ok with me. lol After tips and stuff it comes out to like $9-$10 an hour. So even if i don't have many hours its not a big deal. That way i can get summer reading and stuff done and still go places.
I found out tonight that this one girl i work with Stef has a sister named Justine and i know Justine because she's best friends with aunt Erin. and i was in the wedding with her and stuff. So that was pretty neat. Stef is really cool. We have a good time.
ohhh the other awesome thing today is i had a chocolate milkshake, an orange freeze, and a watermelon slurpie and then i came home tonight and found out i lost a pound since then. lol I was like wayyyyy cool. I don't mind when that happens at alll. might not understand it but thats ok...
umm tomorrow Ryans coming over then we're gonna go over aunt erin's and going swimming. So hopefully he calls me b4 he leaves so i can tell him to bring his bathing suit...
annnnd hopefully on Tuesday i'm going to wickam park with Janelle. that'll be good... ciao

lmao
your one pathetic girl hun..(shakes my head)..you have my pitty. lol
you got a little graphic there with the gun and the gushing..yea i wouldnt do that too often not a way to capture the reader. lol
well ttys.
everythings gonna be ok!
NELL

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Why don't you just stab me with a sword and watch blood gush out? My boss just called and asked if i could work tomorrow night. :-( Tomorrow night out of all nights!!!! And well i said yes because he didn't really give me a choice. He just said why don't you come in tomorrow night at 4. Friday!! the busiest night allll week. The night I've been waiting an eternity for. And in a single oblivious yet transitory moment its snatched from me. But you know thats not monumental. I've w...w...waited a week so i can wait a couple more hours before talking to him. and well chances are No Jess! you wouldn't get to see him tomorrow night anyway. No matter how much you want it. It wouldn't happen anyway. Plus you know if i'm just sitting here vulnerable at Ryan's disposal then it wouldn't be playing very hard to get now would it? So its good i won't be here. Yep yep...wow the things one can convince themself of...

I'm so tired. ug...

:-( I've decided that Ryan officially doesn't love me nemore. He hasn't written me or called or anything!! I think he fell in love with another girl at one of those picnics. :P lol O well i kno hes busy. I just miss him so much. and i kno he misses me too. but but...*cries in agony* I guess i'll see him soon. Only 2 and 1/2 more days until he comes home. Then I'll jump in his arms and never let go!! :P
umm sunday Janelle wants me to keep her company at the St. James carnival in Manchester. Every year her gma asks her to help with the face painting. Then after that she wants me to sleep over but my grandmas being a pain in the ass about it because Janelles been calling alot lately. lol so she thinks that we're falling in love again or something. It really pisses me the fuck off. But i guess its ok because it'll be right after Ryan gets home anyway and i don't wanna leave him for an entire 2 days that quickly. But yea gma just said she'd think about it so its still a possibility.
Umm i didn't do too much today but study for SATs and do summer reading. All boring stuff. and i cleaned my bathroom and did a bunch of laundry but thats about it. ok i go sleep now. very tid tid...ni night

i got my first paycheck today!!! wooohoooo!!!! I wrote Ryan a letter yesterday...so hopefully he'll write me soon so i kno the address to send it to. It was such a funny letter...It took me like all night to write because i sat there with a dictionary and thesaurus spending like two minutes per sentance and its 4 pages long...lol i kno thats sad...but i was extremely bored and i reallly miss him!!!! ummm this girl Tammy a friend of my moms wrote me the other day and i just wrote her back... It was interesting because i had to fill her in on the past year or so and it was amazing how much has happened...ok going to write janelle some now...

Ryan came over...:-) We took a shower in our bathing suits cuz he was all yucky from the rain by the time he got to my house...(Totally moral guys trust me;-) and just hung out because hes leaving me for a week as of tomorrow. :-( Going to that Coastguard thing... Stupid coastguard!@! why'd they have to accept him?!! and its even longer then he left me when he went to mike's!!! I don't know if i can handle it...But i stole his t-shirt so hopefully it will keep the Ryan smell for a while...Its funny i end up with all his clothes. Poor guy won't have any left by the time i'm done with him. lol no i give them back every now and then...ok so i dunno what i'm doing tomorrow...Nell wants to see the new mandy movie and i'd like to go but we'll see... I don't work again till sunday...and after that depending on my schedule i might go to moms or aunt g's or something... alright ni night

Went to the movies with Janelle and Nick today. and OMG Nick has a Camaro!!! MY PRECIOUS!!! mmmost excellent!!!! I like it soooo significantly!! lol We decided to name it "Krawl the Warrior King". Nooo relation to How to lose a Guy in 10 Days. noo way! lol So after he picked me up we went to pick janelle up...and she wouldn't let us in her house because it was too messy...but she did bring us out some chocolate chip cookies and they were yummy. then we went to the movies and we saw Pirates of The Carribbean...All of u should definatley see it. It was super good...lol i swear i'm not hyper. So after the movie we went to Janelle's house and we played air hockey...and well i let him win. I just felt bad for him. I couldn't hurt his masculinity like that. ;) Then me and Janelle flipped the recliner chair over again... mmmmost excellent!!! I love doing that its sooo much fun!! Then after that Janelle got a phone call so nick and i played with turner and like always we got in another fight...I swear everytime i do anything with him we get in a fight. lol so he threatened to not bring me home and i stole his car keys and his cell phone...hehehe. and it was so funny he kept getting this whiney voice like:"pleeease give them back!" and I'd make fun of him for it. Thennn we watched Drew Carey and i played with his cell phone...annnd then i stole his car keys again...and then Janelle's mom got home so we had to leave...So finally at the very last minute i gave the car keys back... lol it was so hard...nooo leave my camaro.:`-( and here i am at home typing all this, wondering where my Ryan is... ryan baby pleassse get home soon!!!

O wait i forgot I have to write about how awesome things with Janelle are lately...2 friends couldn't possible be any closer then we are when we're together. lol we pretty much just have to think something and the other automatically knows what it is. And talk about inside jokes we have more then ever. lol and if its nasty no harm done we just come out and say it and then laugh our asses off together. And i think the best thing is I know i can always trust her. I know she'd never turn on me or talk about me behind my back...and she knows the same thing for me. I just love her like wo and I'd do almost anything for her. lol as long as it doesn't include doing anything that would hurt Ryan, or Kim, or any of the human population in general. lol :-P but i kno she wouldn't ask me to do anything like that so its all good. ohh and the best thing is i can take all her clothes and she doesn't get mad at me. lol :P but i guess in conclusion we just kno eachother inside and out from everything we've been thru together. and thats awesome...xoxo love u Janelle

ok well now i have to write a post on how adorable my baby sister is...Shes 3 weeks old...and her name is Shannon Alexandra Lirot...lol i had no choice when it came to the name. I think my mom went psycho. she just randomnly decided she wanted a very Irish name because Danny is Irish. the whole time I was at Mom's i helped take care of her and shes just precious. lol she makes these cute little squeeky noises that scare me. And she cries for boobs:P and diaper changes. lol. On Sunday i let her lay on my tummy and she tried to suck on my boobs thru my shirt. It was hilarious and cute at the same time. I was just like sorry hun but i'm not lactating and your mommies over there. lol We bought her a little Indian dress at the sailfest. wow janelle is reallly hyper right now...I'm tlaking to her online and shes just psycho lol. Shes very prideful about certain things and egotistical about her ass. ok so i guess thats about all. ummm I finished reading Frankenstein, Pierced by a Sword, and Siddhartha so far this summer...My next 2 books look as tho they're going to be extremely boring but i HAVE to read them so i can start studying for SAT's... So i guess thats what i'll be doing for the rest of the night...ciao!

lol jeeez janelle do u ever leave anything for me to write about? lol j/k I still have tons to write. in fact i'm greatful u wrote as much as u did because it'd take me forever to write all that. :-P lol
ummm i just got home from my moms as Janelle already stated...Wed i went to Six Flags with my family(after begging nick to come with me but he couldn't because i told him the night b4 at like 12 am. lol) Aunt G and I sat in the first car of the superman!! woo hoo it was a blast!! ...Then on Thursday I went to the beach alll by my lonesome. Danny my mom's bf dropped me off and mom picked me up at which time she went with me to pick Janelle up. lol Janelle didn't kno where she lives and i couldn't remember how to get there so she had to 3 way call her gma to get us directions to her house...It took us soo long...It was hilarious lol...So finally we picked her up and for the 1st time in what seemed like years I called ryan...He had just gotten home from Mike's beach house and Thursday was his first day of work. We could only talk for a little bit because I was on the cell phone in the car and it kept cutting us off. But it felt really good to finally hear his voice.
umm I'm not sure what Janelle and i did on Friday but i think we just bummed out and sat around the house goofing off...dancing and singing and laughing like wo! lol and those brownies Janelle was talking about really were horrible lol but my excuse is that i was holding a 3 week old baby as i was making them.(which makes it kinda difficult) and the pan was slightly too big...so they just came out kinda thin. so what if yours were wayyy better...lol We've declared Janelle D.D.A. a do do do aholic. lol the first thing she said when she woke up on Saturday morning was DO DO DO!! lol and I'm NBA a but we're not gonna tell u what that stands for. :-P lol umm so Saturday we all went to the beach...and that was exciting because apparently a little boy got lost. and all the life guards were searching the water for him...It made me all sad. I tanned on the beach and listened to Ryan's banjo stuff on his Mp3 player. then janelle and I played frisbee... Kim called us there because she was suppose to come to the fireworks and sailfest with us but she ended up not being able to come...And ryan couldn't go because he had work...lol but apparently he really wanted to go because he told me yesterday that he and the guys at work made a rain turtle out of rocks and a soda can and they bowed down to it and proclaimed their love to try and make it rain. because if it rained they wouldn't have had to work...lol but obviously that didn't work so he didn't end up going. After the beach we all went home and showered and got dressed up and stuff to go downtown for the fireworks...It was wicked crowded and we had to park like a million blocks away...All the stands and stuff were really cool and they had lots of neat Native American stuff. I saw this really awesome and beautiful Dream Catcher. It was huge like the size of a door. and there was lots of pretty jewelery...One of my favorite pastimes but now that i have Ryan's class ring i really don't buy anything like that nemore because i'm not taking it off and nothing else matches it besides my little gold confirmation cross.
The fireworks were beautiful and the sky was perfect. The moon was nearby and complemented the colorful explosions exuisitely. You could see them being set off from the barges and they were going off so fast that huge blasts of fire lit up the sky before they were even ready to go off. Mom and Janelle had a screaming contest and my mom ended up with a sore throat. lol I was too tired and embarrassed to join in. On the way to the food trucks we stopped to watch 2 swans and their babies and the moon glistening on the ocean. Then we ate dinner and i decided my fried dough was far too large for one person...LOL on the way back to the car Janelle and i got kinda silly and hyper and we screamed DODODO!!! at the top of our lungs...unfortunately we didn't attract too much attention. :-P
lol Sunday we made up a song called Jessie the Red nosed human... It goes along the lines of Rudolph the red nosed reindeer only we supplemented Rudolph with jessie and a couple other things.:-P ...
Last night I went to the drive in with Ryan and we FINALLY saw finding Nemo. It was a wonderful experience...lol i get into the car and sitting in my seat is my teddy bear that i've had since i was 5 and i gave him. lol Ryan had him wearing a seat belt and sunglasses. He said my teddybear missed me and wanted to see me so he brought him along. lol It was the cutest thing. So the greatest part is we both hadn't seen eachother for over a week. So we were both all excited and nervous something neither of us had felt in a while. We watched the sunset and the moon come up. And I layed on him in the back of the jeep as we watched the movie. lol during this one part of the movie the seagulls scream MINE mine MINE mine MiNe!! And ryan started hugging me and saying mine. So we had a little "Mine" episode. :-( We had to leave at 11 when the movie was over because his mom wanted him home by 12. But when we got to my house i couldn't let him go so we sat and talked for a little while just gazing into eachothers eyes and an hour later after i stole his t-shirt from him he went home.
Today was my first day of work at the ashford Dari bar... I don't have a ton of hours but thats cool i didn't want many anyway... Just some extra money and something to make me feel like i spent the summer doing something other than hw and hanging out with friends... It was cool because i got $10 in tips the first day and i was only in training...I made tons of ice cream cones and sundaes and milkshakes and hotdogs and hamburgers. O yea and french fries. Many of them...
But i was pretty tired because of the drive-in. And u get all the free food u want....So i had soda and ice cream...
I work tomorrow too. and Ryan has wed off so hes probably coming over. and Thursday I might go to the movies with nell. Friday Doing something with Ryan... Sat he leaves for the air force academy thing in New London...:-( and he'll be gone for a week so i might drop dead from withdrawls. Then Sunday i work again... and depending on my work schedule for the rest of the week i might go to aunt g's or moms or something again...

yea i'm not sure i really like this template much...don't kno why i did it...lol

i made this for my profile yesterday but i don't feel like having it in there nemore...so i'll just put it here now...


I miss my boys!! Ryan and Bruno!:-P...yes my boys are my bf and my dog but i miss them both dearly:-(

*'*'*~Some good times with Nelle this summer~*'*'*

-I'm an ice Cream tree please don't climb on me!!

-do de do dabupedoo de do budupadu.......POOP!!

-Is Wisconsin the cheese state?

~flipping over the recliner and laughing our asses off~

*laying under the stars*

-SWIMMING ACROSS AN ENTIRE LAKE! WHOS GREAT IDEA WAS THAT?=-O
-belching like theres no tomorrowO:-)

-Warming your ass in the fire...lol i still think Heather rubbed off on u...

-"no no no Jessie!! don't eat the dividers!! We have to eat the same amounts!! Otherwise you'll think i'm giving You more to make you fatter. Or less because i want more! " Meanwhile i crack up laughing and spit my water everywhere...:-D

-The chickens ready!! wow that water really was cold:-P

went to the beach w/ janelle the other day...refer to her blog at www.nellesworld.blogspot.com for details. lol

This weekend was tons of fun. I went camping with Janelle. lol we laughed so much and have so many new inside jokes together. Saturday i drank wayy too much soda for my own good and got super hyper. It was so funny because usually janelle is the out of control hyper one but this time it was definately me. lol We went fishing in the canoe and shared some good deep down spiritual conversations. And we layed under the stars every night. lol and then janelle and her insomnia. wouldn't let me sleep at night. stared me awake. And then we'd wake aunt g up from laughing so much. but I missed Ryan sooooo much its not even funny!!! Yesterday was our six month anniversary. So he rode his bike here and we read a little bit of summer reading. Spent some time laying back. Then we went to the dairybar and got icecream. ohh and we brought Bruno with us!!! And then it rained but we still went to the park and tossed the football around for a little bit. And then don't laugh but we went on the seesaw. and it was still raining so our asses got all wet sitting on the seat . After we just sat on the swing together. Talking and enjoying eachothers company. by this time i think Ryan had taken all of my tiredness away. because i was the one that was tired earlier but then i got awake and he was tired. So when we got to my house i told him to hold Bruno while i got him some water and he totally fell for it. I went and turned the hose on and then sprayed him up and down. then i turned it off and the poopyhead pulled me close into a big bear hug so i couldn't get out and got us both soaking wet. Of course that ended with a big messy kiss. So in conclusion it was a wonderful day.:-)

ok so i havn't written in a really long time!! but everything seems to be going alright and i've been kinda sorta busy. last week i read alot. Finally finished that book Odin lent me. and ryan came over my house a bunch of times. His parents are getting pretty strict tho. They're afraid we'll do something stupid like have sex. But the ironic thing is we've chosen not to do that yet we're still being punished for it. Sometimes it really gets to me and i get kinda frustrated. But its ok. I understand where they're coming from too. Just wish they'd learn to trust and understand where we're coming from as well. but yea... So this week i've been volunteering with Larissa at the Baptist Church Bible school. We take care of the kids in the nursery from 8:30 to 12. They're so cute!! but gosh darnit i come home sooo tired its not even funny!! they make me insane...Ryan came with me today and i was soo greatful. He helped us out alot!! lol This 10 month old named Adriel really developed a liking for him. In fact he wouldn't let anyone but Ryan hold him. Even when his mom came to pick him up he wanted Ryan. I was just like precious!! Hes great with kids.:-) It'd be awesome if he could come tomorrow too but I don't think his parents are going to let him. So I'll come home even more exhausted.:-(
Nell just called. lol so i guess its going to be another late night. She wants me to go outside and look at the stars with her tonight at 11. So if ne1 else wants to join us go right ahead!! cept i only have 1 cell phone so no one else can call me.:-P

guess not.. sorry for jess's del;ay you guys she must be dead. lol

(lmao) dude hun your ever gonna write in this thing or what?

Ryan came to my house at the crack of dawn this morning and we relentlessly studied SAT vocab for hours unend!! So just to warn u i kno alot of big words now!! lol Then after that I went with his family to an air force jazz concert. It seemed to go on forrrrever. but it was good. gosh what the hell was i thinking when i planned a four day camping trip with larissa?!! Yep I really rationalized alot. but it will be good. I'm just going to collapse on the trail from Ryan withdrawls thats all. 4 whole freaken days!!! ooook gotta go pack for the trip. Write more on Monday maybe...ciao!

Ok so i'm really kinda restless and have nuttin much else to do so i'll just update on what i've been doing the past couple of days. The first day of vaca Thursday...i didn't do too much except go to the holy thursday mass. I think i can't remember...but neway thats the day they wash everyones feet for historical purposes and that was really kinda wierd.
Then on Friday ryan came over my house and stayed a little bit. and his parents let him take the car which was really cool. Then *HE DROVE* us both to meet his mom at which time we went with her. Then we went shopping for a lil bit and to this passion play for Easter. It was real good and i didn't get home till like 11:30 at night. lol lots of fun.
Then on Saturday!! the best day of vaca sooo far! Ryan came over and we spent the day together just hanging out and he helped me with chores and stuff. We had a barbecue, and then we brought him home. and it was just an awesome day. everything about it was great.
Then on Sunday i went absolutely insane. First thing i did was go to Easter mass. Which quite frankly pissed me off. Reason being the people just all have to be saved. It was sad. and depressed me. I don't think alot of people were consciously really there. They just went to mass out of habit and didn't really take the time to celebrate the real meaning of Easter. Because despite popular conception its not candy...then i spent the rest of the day tanning and talking on the phone or hanging with aunt G...
Monday I went even more insane from the lack of human contact...first thing i did was call ryan. Then i tanned for a little while...after that i spent hours and hours looking at prom dresses online. by that time i was severely insane and going out of my mind. Sooo i studied some vocab words for the SATs. then called larissa and then talked to Ryan some more and fell asleep. It was great tho. Larissa has become a total ditz from hanging with all of her fellow softball players. and it was hilarious. she was making fun of herself and i was making fun of her and we decided to create a group called the Ditz's Annonymous. a.k.a-- D.A. and Ryan was so silly. just like holy cuteness. Fortunately i was able to fall asleep to it....
Today i really wanted nell to come over and we tried really hard but she couldn't get a ride. :-( So yea but that didn't work but i still had a really great day. but i can't write about it just in case. and Ryan's at SAT classes right now. So i can't wait until 9:30 when he gets home.
Hopefully tomorrow he'll be able to come over and we can study some. with a couple breaks here and there of course. ;-) Just gotta convince his parents that we'll really be studying. cuz we really will.
then on thursday me and Riss leave for aunt g's on our big camping trip. At which time i'm going to go insane once again because I really need a cell phone. o yea and i'll prob shop for prom dresses. another wacky thing...
ok this is getting really long...soooo ciao!!!!:-)

Merry Easter Everyone!!

You kno what? I think the weather is trying to teach us not to become too dependant on it. Because it can change any day of the week and any day it pleases. So its teaching us a lesson right now. Its giving us winter and summer simultaneously. I mean what the fuck is this? We got 80 degrees and sweating our asses off yesterday to today with this shit! I soo wanted to tan. but i can't because its like 30 degrees out there now. :-( but seriously is there not a history of people planning various activities depending on how the weather decides to react? and usually the weather is fairly predicatble without having to go to a weather forcaster. but u try that now a days and it just backfires. Its nearly impossible. You just gotta wait for the next day to find out. Those cloudmasters up there they are trying to change their reps. But its not working cuz now they just come out looking like they have freaken pms. Well if thats the case then i'm not worried cuz it will only last about a week. So yea now that i've come to that conclusion i am done. Never fear peoples this wierd weather will and in another week!! The cloud masters just have pms! but wait i just had another idea. Maybe they just have cloudmasters in training up there. and they are first timers so they're not very sure of what weather to give us. yep that must be it. or they were playing football and goofing off and they broke the weather dialator thing. that was nells idear. lol but neway can u all pleease pray for a nice summer day with sunshine and warmth. Something good for tanning...

hmm i just read larissa's journal. Had no clue she felt that way. but i'd like to see how she would have delt with the situation i was in...its not as easy to deal with as she made it out to be...

YAY!!! ok well i dunno i should be happy its vaca soon but i'm only half happy. Can't help it. I'm definately bipolar or something.
:P especially this past week;-) One side of me wants a break from hw but the other doesn't want to have to go an entire week and a 1/2 without everyone. extreme confliction...ohhh and i wish i didn't already have plans for thursday and friday because then i could just skip school tomorrow and go to aunt g's. That would be so awesome. Shes here tonight and suggested it. but I wanna be there for a very tired ryan tomorrow. :P Take care of him and make sure he doesn't go crazy after spending all night on this dante's inferno thing. So skipping is out of the question. yep
And next week Larissa and I are going camping. Prob from Thursday to Sunday. We're gonna hike some trails in new hampshire and camp along the way. Should be lots of fun.
Then i remember that prom is coming up soo very soon. So i'll prob spend the beginning of next week searching for a dress that looks halfway decent on me. lol the exact reason why i never go to any dances!! I hate buying dresses. but yea proms important i guess so i'll deal with it...
*nice warm bubble bath calls to me* (or something to that effect)
Ciao!

lol i can't believe i'm listening to this banjo stuff. Songs about boxes made out of tiki taki that all look the same. Something has most definately gone wrong with me...
So yea last weekend was pretty good with an exception of part of sunday where i just went psycho and got all depressive...Did all kinds of stuff with youth group. but not telling you what because quite frankly it was embarrassing. lol but i'm really really tired... and today it took me forever to snap into it...I think i'm finally back tho...
o yea and i think its great how everyone just refers to me as Dell's gf now. I no longer have my own identity. Was sitting in the hall with janelle talking and I hear someone say hey its Dell's gf! So i just gave them a jubilant hello! lol Just hilarious if u ask me...yup yup

:-( i wrote a little bit b4 but then it got erased. and i don't feel liek writing nemore. lol the bottom line is that everything is generally wonderful...hmm i told ryan i was gonna tell u guys somethign he said that was great but i can't remember what that was now...lol i'll get back to that later. decided i need hobbies so working on that. and learning guitar... finding summer job for sure this time...deciding what i wanna do and not do this weekend...always quite the dilemma. jubilant in a way that lent is almost over but greatful for what its made me realize...helping people find themselves-finding myself in the process...lol no i'm not using any grammar. but thats ok...

hmm skipped youth group cuz wayy too tired. then went shopping...

went on a retreat and then to the mall with mike and ryan...

yep more hw...:-(

:-( lots of hw...

awww Ryan's such a sweatheart!! Best boyfriend in the whole wide world!!! Today was our 3 month anniversary so he bought me 3 roses one for each month. surprised me with them at church. then we came home to my house and just hung out...
Then i skipped my confirmation rehearsal because i had too much hw. and now i have to eat dinner so i'll ketchup some more later...

Soooo hyper!! lol went shopping for confirmation today. Got a really purrrty blue dress. and its all lacy and just great. We were gone alll day long. and bought sooo much stufff. i got these really cute socks for school and a trapper keeper folder thing. and Foood!! my mom bought me this giant cookie. and i was soo hungry that i like stuffed the entire thing in my mouth at once. but i'm on a diet seriously.:P lol Ohhh and we went to Chrissannes bridal and looked at all these pretty dresses. i tried some prom dresses on. There was this really purrrttty blue one. all puffy and lacy. I'll have to go back and get it.
LOL and ryan and i had this scheme to just mysteriously meet eachother at Buckland mall but it didn't work because i ended up going to Auburn Mall. lol but he told me some funny stories neway. about how he told his mom we were getting married in May. And she just laughed. so i think thats a good thing. lol And shes finally adjusting to the fact that i have his class ring. thats also a good thing.
But yea i should probably go get some sleep now. Gotta get up early for the 9:00 mass. nunight everyone!

hi!!! i'm so silly right now. but i havn't written in a while so i think its time to write. no school today!! it was great! i woke up at 11 o'clock. and then Ryan called and i spent all afternoon tanning and talking to him on the phone. Thats about all that happened tho. and now i'm going to eat some pizza. ciao!!

hmm i should really write more often because now so much has happened that i feel overwhelmed and can't write it all down.
But janelle has finally decided to ignore me completely. It's sad yet i'm glad at the same time. Glad that shes taking this time to find herself and start over. Its just strange to realize that its finally all over. and tempting to regret some of it. But no theres no regret because it was a learning process. Its just hard to imagine what i was thinking at the time. What i do regret however is getting caught up in my own world and not helping her through things more. But it would have been hard to do it any other way. Time goes on and people change.

but neways last weekend was good i guess. Sat the last day janelle supposedly talked to me, Larissa and i brought her to Friendly's for her birthday. Or Flirty's i should say. Turns out that waiter guy Chris that worked at the Friendly's at the mall now works at the one in Vernon. And once again he gave me his phone number even after i insisted i'm happy and taken. lol I swear I think hes a stalker.
But all of this also had consequences resulting in Larissa's jelousy. It brings back her long time desire for a boyfriend. Jelous because everytime we go somewhere i get guys. So i told her I'd where polka dots and stipes if she wanted but that didn't go over too well either. lol She just said that then she'd then be too embarrassed to go anywhere with me. therefore she'd have to deal. If I could I'd give her all the guys in the world because I'm happy with just one. But I'm glad shes taking it well. Finally realizing things for what they are. I also should point out that she expects alot when she spends no time or effort in picking out clothes and wearing makeup.
Sunday Ryan came over. Faced temptation. lol i was kinda bad. but not too bad. Still staying strong. Later I went to the stations of the cross for confirmation. Could have done without that. but it went ok nehow. Just had alot more i could have been doing.
Today was just kind of depressing because i forgot my coffee and caffeine withdrawls are brutal. nothing when right. But it ended well in Philosophical conversation. just kinda scared that Ryans parents are going to hate me even more now because we were on the phone kinda late. but it was well worth it. gotta talk things out...
and my question for tonight...At what point does a boyfriend become a bestfriend? Are they one in the same? Can you have both? What prohibits you from doing so? jelousy i suppose. There is a finite line of balance and i have yet been able to achieve it...

SO I made it through this week. Did all my projects. Even one that wasn't due for another week. and went almsot 40 hours with no sleep. I must say i impress myself. and wed and friday ryan got to come home with me. It was really awesome. But friday of course i just kinda feel asleep on him from lack of sleep.:P lol but he didn't mind. The only horrible thing was that he had to go home so early. And it was like nooooo don't leave. It just felt so wrong. He was suppose to be right there with me while i slept on him. and my gma invited him to stay for dinner. and then he was gonna meet mom. but no it didn't happen. :-(

OO and I have been looking for Saints for Confirmation alll week long and still havn't found one. Its so frustrating. None of them are good enough. and there are so many. The other issue is who to choose for my sponsor. First I was like well how about Aunt louise because shes a nun and a great person in all. Helped me a little bit but succeeded in turning me atheist because of her whole attitude about life.
And I've really thought about it in the past week. In a timespan of about 4 months Ryan has helped me in more ways than anyone ever could have. Thats where the whole "wow i've grown up so much since last september " statement came from. Because for a while i was excercising my rebelious side. But he made me "THINK" and realize thats not who i really am. I could be so much more. But the great thing is he did it without really knoing. I'd just talk to him or be with him and it would turn me into someone else.
So thats why i think he should be my sponsor. Because i could just choose some random person. like an aunt or something. but she hasn't done anything for me. And Ryan really has and will probably continue to do so.
But then people bring up the argument what happens when you guys break up? And i've thought alot about that too. It seems like we're never going to. but in worst case scenario it couldn't be that bad. I could never just all of the sudden hate him. We'll still be friends.
So i kno people will think i chose him for all the wrong reasons but in reality its all the right reasons. and i don't care what they think. I've made up mind...