And I begin with another of my condescending rants…
But it all begins as it ends…
Ignorance is bliss…
Only those who listen find the truth…
Sometimes truth can be found in unsuspecting places…
You don’t have to admit defeat to follow the truth…
Rid yourself of self…
As I rid myself of self…

So I’m childish now am I? When will it ever end? Well who’s condemning me from their humble abode? I’ve gone there on a number of occasions not necessarily by choice. I do it out of love because it makes someone special to me happy. I’ll never hate you. It’s not my objective to hate. But I get emotional sometimes. I’m only human. In fact I can even say I love you. As of now I am indifferent. But someday... Someday I will love you. If your worried I’ll take your Ryan away from you then your worries are pointless. Even if it weren’t me then someone would take him away someday. Don’t worry I’ll share…and your always welcome in my home. I forgive you for any hateful comments you’ve made towards my family even if the sting still remains. I’ll get over it…
When I write in my blog it’s like a personal journal. I’m a teenage girl with tons of emotions and I’m still busy discovering myself. I try hard to stay emotionally stable and unbiased but its difficult and I can’t always do that. Sometimes I let my frustrations slip out into the open. This year hasn’t been easy. Hell growing up isn’t easy!! I know you want what is best for Ryan but so do I. Why can’t we do this together? I want him to achieve success and live a fulfilling life. The last thing I aim to do is hold him back or bring him down. It’s gotta be pretty hard as a parent. Decisions and roles don’t always come easy. I don’t deny that. I’m also not saying that I could do a better job but don’t cheat yourself by thinking that you can raise your kids alone. It takes a community because each person has something different to teach them.
Ryan is a remarkable person and I don’t think you always see that. Or maybe you do and your frightened because at the moment you don’t witness him achieving his full potential.
But you can’t live his life for him as I’ve been tempted to do. The choices he makes from here on will shape his life. They are all his and nobody can make them for him. They not only affect this life but lots of other people too and I think he’s aware of that. The point is that you can’t do this for him!!!
Give him some independence. Show him what responsibility is. Only he can choose his destiny. You can’t protect him from himself. He’ll have to be the one who lives with his choices. And he may not necessarily have the same dreams as you do. What brings him satisfaction may not necessarily match up to your standards. But if Ryan is happy then that’s all that should matter. Your happiness should come from his happiness and his likewise.
Don’t treat him like he’s two. Trust a little bit and you’ll be surprised with the results. The more you push him the less he respects you. I’ve watched this occur every step of the way. Towards the beginning I resisted but it all seems inevitable now. You’re choking him and he’s violently gasping for air. Life isn’t meant to be taken so seriously. The real pleasures are found spiritually. It doesn’t matter what Ryan accomplishes here. Material success will only bring you so far and he realizes that. In the end all that matters is God. All that matters is love. If Jesus came to you and said give all of your possessions to the poor and come follow me…Could you do it? Could you really though?
“Those who love are content with only a small house” have you realized that yet? I’m sure you have it just appears as though you haven’t from the outside. I mean who cares about how many miles are put on a jeep? Or how much money he spends on a girl? Certainly not God. It won’t get you to heaven. Does God have a plan for Ryan? Yes he does and I’m quite certain it involves me in some way. Whether transient or not... And if it doesn’t well I’d be saddened but I’m open to that too. We made it through everything that happened a couple weeks ago and to me that’s a visible sign.
Just stop worrying so much. Ryan knows what he has to do. It’s not always easy for him but he’ll get there.
Trust me! I wish I could pick him up and carry him down the path so that he didn’t have to be taunted by life but I know I can’t. He knows where he has to go but the more you push him the further he becomes discouraged. Not to mention your blood pressure would decrease. :-P
I know you probably won’t listen to anything I have to say. You wont take any of this seriously. It probably wont even touch you. But I’m telling you now your son; your baby boy needs you. He’s nearing the edge. If you wont listen to me then please just listen to him. Look past trivial matters and practicalities. Screw the ideals of society. Why follow what remains when the rest are corrupt? Tradition can only be taken so far. You can’t always use what you’ve always known. We live in a different world now. Look at Ryan’s friends. I don’t think they’ll grow up any less fortunate just because they are allowed freedoms. Sometimes you have to apply what you’ve learned based on a unique situation. Break free if such traditions. In Ryan’s case they wont get you far. Your little boy’s growing up. Do this for him because he needs you!