Last night I talked to Andrue until 3 a.m. We talked about everything you could possibly talk about for 5 hours. Bj's, sex, our love lifes, the fact that he really does like me. u get the point. But they passed fairly quickly and amouted to about 40 pages of writing in all! I used to have a thing for Andrew. But I got over him as my obsession with nell became love . She was the only thing i thought or cared about for 4 months. She still is really because i do care about her. And I think i really just need time to think. I need to talk things over with her before I just throw everything we have away. When we were on the phone today there were just so many paople around and we couldn't talk. it wasn't fair. Plus shes had people over her house every night and shes been going to parties so she can't talk to me long because its rude to ignore her guests. When we got off the phone i was on the verge of tears. I'm not sure if she noticed. I don't think so... I think she was too busy. but i didn't cry because crying is weak and i'm strong. and I'm not gonna cry I'm gonna work this out.

What is it that I really want? Do I want to marry nelle and be with the same girl for the rest of my life? I don't know. I mean I'm happy with her but I have so many opportunities. so many choices. I feel like i'm greedy for wanting more than nell. She needs me. I can't leave her. I care too much about her. But what is this sudden change of feelings that I've been experiencing?