lol how'd you do that hun? its only 7:16 on 9/30/02 and it says you posted tomorrow at 12:07. What'd you do go into the future or something? i confused. neways i got so scared cuz i was playing with the HTML of my blog and all my posts disappeared! it was quite alarming. but i finally got it back. yay!

hi jessie, i know random but felt like saying hi. lol
love you always nelle

OmG! i'm so pissed. ready to kill my gma. She went thru my room while i was gone over the weekend. Thats just wrong. when i got home i noticed a couple of things missing. So i confronted her about it. She said yea you missing a couple of things? She took my tarot cards, my spreads book and a book that tells about the wiccan principles. I was so mad that i ran out of the room up the stairs and i slammed the door to my room. then i turned the music up really loud and resolved to not talk to her. So right now we are not on speaking terms. This morning i mumbled not a word. She gave me this letter this morning too. it talks about how much she loves me and how the occult brings the devil into your life. I havn't decided what to do yet. should i act all mature and goody two shoes? and wear crosses and holy shit? Or should i be immature and not talk to her and be really mean to show her how much it hurt that she went thru my belongings? I'm just really mad right now. I guess i'll just save up my money to buy a new tarot deck. but it sucks because those were my first cards and they hold my power. they're also a really nice deck that cost alot of money. I won't be getting another one like that for awhile. Really the spreads and the books gone don't bother me. because i can look all of that up online. all the info is there. O well we sha'll see what happens.

So you ask what have i done this weekend? Well Friday i fell asleep as soon as i got home from school. when i woke up I figured out it was already 6 o' clock and freaked.I was suppose to go to the movies with ash, nell, and andre but it was too late and no one would drive me. So being in the depressive mood i was in i cried and hyperventilated for 2 hours. Good times. then i went back to sleep. Aunt G woke me up at 10:30 and here i am at her house. Helping her pack and move. Shes moving in with her boyfriend corey. thats cool and all but i'm really gonna miss her old place with the broadband internet and cable. lol So basically all weekend i've been helping her pack and snizzle. I'm not sure when i'm going home today. and i still didn't do ne of my hw! ahhhhhhhh. Good thing all i have is geometry and abunch of projects that arn't due for another week. lol ok no no what to write. gotta go help with the yard sale. byes

pretty baby why cant you see your the one that i belong to.

i miss my friend. who won my heart and so confided in, the one i felt the safest with, the one who knew just what to say, to make me laug hagain, let the light back in, i miss my freind.

my lifes not the same without you jessie, and its nowere near as good.

i love you

I can't stop crying. and i don't know what to write. so yea. te quiero nelle

Ok well i just don't know what to say. I was fine until larissa decided to be such a fucking bitch. now i'm crying and i don't know why. i love you nell sorry i did this

Cup one...i just had my first dose of caffeine for the evening. but i'm sure many more will follow. The realization that i am an avid procrastinator is nothing new. I have so much homework! Ahhhhhhhh...! I don't know what i'm gonna do. but i guess this is just gonna have to be an all-nighter. I can't risk anymore missing assignments. I'm determined to finish every bit of hw i have tonight and ace tomorrows test.
What is up with me lately?! I'm so argumentative. Being a bitch to everyone. O well if my friends love me they'll understand. lol I love you guys! I'm sorry about all this shit i've been putting you thru. especially andre and larissa.
Andre I've decided to just always be mad at you. It makes things easier. Don't mind it. I still luvya
Speak a the devil! o you want me to get offline so you can call me huh? Well i don't know. j/k lol Too bad you can't be online. I'm in a writing mood today. But under the circumstances i'll talk to ya instead. Write more later.

What an awesomely awesome day! It started out ok. by the middle i felt so weak that i thought i was gonna die(didn't even care about failing tests). but now i actually feel pretty great.
andre was mean to me. so i'm not so sure about him anymore. if he calls me tonight and we talk things over it might be ok again. but i don't know because life's a merry go round. and every day i experience the ups and downs. Just an emotional roller coaster.
Nell did point out something really brilliant. She said that if he really liked me that he wouldn't be afraid to say so and that he wouldn't hide it. and that Andrew is a flirter and he likes alot of other girls. and truthfully i've already thought of all that. So i guess ya know whatever happens happens. i'll let life take its course.
After school i had an appointment with my shrink. It was a really great session. in my opinion the best one yet. I came out feeling refreshed and good about myself. He def. helped me to sort things out.
o wells i wanted ot write more but i forgot what now. and people keep iming me calling me and demanding that i read they're emails! so i'll write more later.

and the confusion continues...

I don't know whats happening anymore. Nell acts like everythings ok and it hurts to say but its not. I wish it was. but I know its not and i can't deny this any more than she can. Its not fair to her if i pretend like everythings fine when i'm really somewhere else. She deserves the whole me. my undevided attention. Not what i'm giving her. It makes me feel like shit. i didn't mean to do this. One day i was whispering i love you and forever and always and the next i just couldn't. I thought i was in love. my life was great. She made it complete. and then i wanted more. I'm a greedy bitch. I have the best girlfriend in the world and i want more! what the fuck is my problem? She just wants to make me happy. and be with me. give me my every desire. and i fucking want more. if i have doubts now than why am i dragging this realtionship on ? I'm being unfair to everyone involved. sometimes i wish the ground would just swallow me up. and sometimes i'm still not sure. i feel like this is wrong because we were gonna be together forever and always. i betrayed her. what about all those unfulfilled promises? Why can't everything be the way it was
I'm sorry nell. i know your not gonna like this and thats why it hurts so much to type it. but i had to tell you. And yes i know what tuesday is its our 5 month anniversary. I love you baby please don't cry

baby im sorry but i've been home since nine and you havent called im very tired but ill wait here online ot see if your on. im sorry i didnt et to see you today but what about tomorow?? hey! i love you!
see yah soon sweetie bye!
ni night
xoxox
forever yours nelle
p.s guess what tuesday is??

Hey why you keep going on my sn nells? Go on your own or else it says written by jessica caisse and i didn't write it.silly!
i went driving last night and talked with aunt g didn't get back till 10:15 or so. I know you called but i couldn't call back cuz your mom woulda killed me it was too late. Plus i went to bed really early. I was asleep when you wrote this last night!

I give up.

Omg! What a crazy day! I'm confused as all hell...half sad but feeling guilty because i'm half relieved. yet i don't know if i'm doing the right thing. I know some day i will feel like i made the wrong choice.
Janelle agreed on letting me have some space and time to think. we are officially broken up for a week. At first i cried and cried and cried. because she sent me this really sad letter. and it sent me down memory lane. so many memories lost. My future in pieces. All the plans we made together gone. All the promises lost. A huge part of my life just torn away. but neway. its late and i still have hw and snizzle to do.
But i just want to let nell know that i love her i still do and i always will. I hope she understands that. and that its gonna be just as hard for me as it is her. I know in my heart that if things don't work out we'll be together again someday.

hey its under construction again. I accidently deleted something important i'm not sure what so i have to start over again. lol
Larissa emailed me can u believe it? Its all a bunch of shit tho! so i'm ignoring it.

Andre and I arn't fighting anymore. I talked to him online last night. We called each other a bunch of names and then resolved our issues. He said he'd believe me if i stopped being a bitch. so i said i would stop being a bitch if he stopped being an asshole and thats the way it went. We were suppose to talk last night but my phone line was screwed and i don't think anyone could have called me even if they wanted to. I'm happy thats over with.
Nell is acting like she has multiple personality disorder. lol. She pretends shes happy for me but then she turns around and shes all depressed. I'd like to say that its cute but really its not. All i can do is try to make her happy again. The minute i can get her to smile i feel complete again. When shes not smiling i'm not smiling.

Hey hun
Thx for the hw.
I do hate andrew. And yes i still like him in a way but i don't love him. I love you. Its just hard to get over it. because i see him every day. and i had a crush on him last year. Now i have a chance to fulfill it but i can't because i love someone else. I'm sorry i didn't tell you. I just didn't want you to worry. because there's nothing to worry about. I'm not leaving you.
So yeah was afraid u'd talk to Pat. But he helped me realize how much i love you. and that no one could ever replace you. I understand if you can't trust me anymore. its ok

yeah i didnt have any more frees but i stayed after school so i can talk to you so if your on line talk to me for h.w in theology ummmmmmmmm i forgot hold up read pgs 31 and 32 do ?'s 4-7 pg 32. and thats all I think. but yeah I missed you so much today it was sooooooooo lonely, but i payed close attention so, hey why was larissa absent, coincidence or not? lol hey um i have a ? for yah hun??? well I was really mad at you for all of 5 minutes today lol, because i talked to pat and I was like hi and I told him you werent here and he was like oh yeah i talked to her last night and she was like yeah me and andrew had a fight i hate him but before i still liked him, and i was like yeah as freinds and he walked away. so yeah tell me if this is true a week ago did you still like andrew more then a friend because I didnt get to upset because i trust you and i was like he missunderstood you but hell if you did still like him well then you have some serious sucking up to do because wont be able to trust you because you told me you getting close to andrew was strictly as freinds and you know how much it would hurt me if every day you tell me how much you love me and yet you like someone else. ok ill send this so you know im online.
i love you!!!
nelle

lol ok i guess u didn't have any more frees. At 10:00 I went upstairs and fell asleep until 12. and i had this horrible nightmare that tha house was burning down and i was just sitting around having sex. lol j/k but any way turns out its an awesome day for tanning and no ones home but me so i'm gonna go and tan in the nude. ttfn :p

hey baby don't worry i'm ok. i just basically missed my bus cuz i didn't feel like going to school. but you really should take your tests today. Cuz i don't know how long i can stay after school tomorrow. Ask Vickie and Chris if their staying after for nething tomorrow. And tell them i'm sorrry if i made them late for school this mornig. gotta go gma's back!

so your ok hun right? I miss you tell me more, why arent you here . I dont wanna stay after school if your not here . besides I forgot to ask my mom so ill just go home and call you. turn your cell phone on, hun im really, worried I hope your ok, and that knowones hurting seriously tho i dont get it why dont wanna be at school. i wanna go home now, oh well. Ill try to survive the day without you. Im not saying this to hurt your feelings seriously hun if staying home was good then Im happy for you I just wanna make sure your safe and that your grandma and you justl ost it on each other,
I love you more then life itself,
see yah sweetie
always your nelle

ok so here i am sitting at home playing on the computer When i should be at school working productively. and spending time with my nelle. I didn't want to go to school today neways but i guess next time i should be more careful of what i wish for. but this is cool its ok really. There's just alot of issues i had to clear up today. But giving me one more day to cool down won't hurt. It could save some friendships. The way i look at it this is fate. Me not going to school today was meant to be because it could have sent many things into motion.
So neway nelle babe take all your tests today. You need to get them done. Don't worry about me being there after school with you. its ok. Cuz u need good grades.:-) I love you babe
andrew i still havn't forgiven you

i don't know what to say. All i know is that i opened myself up to someone i considered special and they betrayed me. I told them stuff i wouldn't tell anyone else. stuff that i should'nt have told them. now i regret trusting. nell is the only one i can trust. i know she won't hurt me.
and Larissa u are a fucking bitch! i don't know what u said today and i don't wanna know what u said. but friends are few and far to find. u have no common sense. i offered my friendship to u and trusted you too. too bad i did.
i love you nell

This has to be the most boring day of my life. Nothing at all to do. I just wake up and turn the computer on.lol
But i talked to nell last night. She had to be in the cutest mood ever! She was like "I love you" every 2 seconds. I love it when we're both in that mood.
And yesterday my mom let me go driving. We went out to eat and i drove all the way there. With actual people on the other side of the road! Like 40 mph. I'm so proud of myself! When we got back i was made to go to church. I was bad. I didn't participate in any of the prayers. and the whole time i studied my vocabulary for the test tomorrow. So it wasn't that bad. I just don't feel like i can talk to god nemore. I'm experiencing sacramental dullness for the time being. because he doesn't help me and my friends when we need him.
but then i got to thinking. there's so many people out there asking for his help everyday. It must be hard to answer everyones prayers.
o well i g2g my mom is over my shoulder trying to read everything i type. and its so fucking annoying. cuz i'm not doing anything wrong. This is jsut a personal matter that i'd rather she not read. So later!

hey guys my blog is under construction! I just keep finding more cool stuff to add. but hopefully i'll be done soon. Ciao!

Well i didn't exactly fulfill my obligation of Daily color and activity today. Sorry guys I'm just too lazy right now. Its been a super long and hard week. I just recently awoke from a deep sleep. When i got home i thought I'd be out forever. I would have been if someone hadn't called me and woken me up! Thats the second time u've done that Larissa! errrr...j/k but not really:-)

Nell wasn't in school today and i think its causing me to have a mental breakdown. I'm not gonna see her again until monday probably.I talked to her for like ten minutes a little while ago but it just made it worse. It made me miss her more. I'll probably cry myself to sleep wishing i could hold her. I love you baby. so much

I talked to Ashley today. We get closer every day. and hopefully we'll continue to. luv u ash!
ok i'm gonna go back to sleep again. lol

OMG! this guy in CVS was stocking me today! It was freaky. He smiled at me and said hi and then he kept following me around the store. but finally we left and he thankfully gave up. And there was this other guy that said hi to me too. but he was a freakin idiot because his gf was standing right there. I just found it funny that i looked like shit and was moping around like a zombie but they stll noticed me.
Well its really late and i don't think I'm gonna sleep very much tonight. I've got too many tests to study for tomorrow. Plus I drank two cups of tea and just got out of the shower. So I should be good to go. Janelle beware tomorrow because you know what happens when I'm over tired! I'll try not to tease you too much! lol
Happy B-Day Andre! We Love you!
So anyways I gotta go finish my "hobble" and stuff.:-)

I'm starting something different. Each day I'll post the days coordinating color and activity.
Color: green
Activity: Meet someone new

A cool spell to meet friends is:
"To have friends, a friend I'll be, loyal and true is me;
candles glow and so do I,
loneliness banished be; friends are drawn to me,
friendship grows wherever I go;
powers of universe make it so"
*Be sure to really want friends and keep an open mind when your chanting this spell. Think about your friendships and strengthening them.

I have so much work tonight! I'm gonna pass out from exaustion. Well its third period and i'm in my first free. The boring one b4 the free with nell and andre. Another 45 minutes b4 i can see them both. yea i don't know what to write about but its been bugging me that i never wrote about this.So here goes.
Last week I was taking a shower when this sensational feeling of being watched came over me. On my squishy soapy spungy thing that was hanging off the shower rack sat a fly. It was big and black and when you look close hairy! I tried to take a shower and just ignore it but it really started to creep me out. Maybe it was innocent and just wanted to be clean but i couldn't help to think that it was my great uncle reincarnated! Or some really nasty horny guy getting a hard watching me lather up! In an attempt to rid myself of his presence I began to shake the rack to try and make him go away. Little did I know that this would be the cause of his death. The shampoo bottle was directly atop of him and it came crashing down leading to decapitation! To this day his poor dead body is still in my shower. I just couldn't bare to get rid of it. I killed my own uncle! What has this world come to?!!! I'll have to live the rest of my life with this on my conscience!

ok guys what an exciting day... I didn't get a part in the play.:-( but thats ok neither did nell and it would suck if one of us did and not the other.:-) so its u me and nell now Ash! They're missing out on some pretty good actresses!
I love you so much nell ! I'm in such a wierd versatile mood today. I be so mean to everyone. and i don't even have PMS so its a mystery to me. me and nells had a fight(we gave wierd looks and then hugged) and then me and andre(We divorced) and then me and larissa(We wrestled:-). So i battled with everyone. tough day!
They were just being so goddamn annoying! maybe I really am spoiled. I think now that someone pointed out the fact that i am i feel so much more spoileder.lol Its fun being spoiled. My nelle spoils me to death! I so lucky to have her.
We had many tests this week. And i resolved to be an organized and good student this year but so far its just not workin! I got spanish and Geometry back today. both were bad. I just forgot i had tests and i didn't get a chance to study. and i took bio today. It was ok but i forgot i had it. and i didn't get to study. its just a big cycle. Well its gonna stop here. No go online nemore. it ruins my studies. nope! nomore! wow this is hard what am i saying? I'm an addict i can't do this. The internet is my friend!

Andre's parents are still Nazi's. We're gonna have to do something about this. It's his birthday friday and they're treating him like he's two. It's unjust. Not fair. well being his bestest friend i have to do some snizzle for his b-day. I'll figure something out. Luvya Andre! Sorry I so mean to you today. from the bottom of my heart...forgive me?
And luke was after school today too. He did one of his impersonations . But hes still an idiot even tho i semi-enjoyed his company. lol
I still havn't given him the address to my blog. I just don't think i'm gonna.

I am so nervous and expectant right now. Today were the tryouts for the fall drama. I literally sucked but thats ok. I just wish i could do it over. I'm too scared to look at the list tomorrow. I told the teacher i woke up with a sore throat and thats why my voice is funny but all she had to say was isn't it too early in the season fo colds? I'll be disappointed when all my friends make it and i don't. lol. but yeah i won't think about that right now.
I was so tired all day until lunch. All i had was a buck .25 so it was either coffee or french fries. and the coffee won by popular vote!
it def. woke me up. I was hyper in a tired kind of way for the rest of the day.
Hopefully nell and andre can come online and chat. I'll be so mad if andre's parents don't stop being "Nazis"!
But neway i got lots of tests tomorrow. and i failed all the ones i took today. I completely forgot i had a spanish quiz. I fell asleep at 8 last night cuz i was so tired. As a result i didn't finish my h.w.
i was suppose to have a shrink appointment yesterday afternoon but we forgot. So he called like 20 minutes after he realized i wasn't coming and figured it out. So my next appointment is next monday at 5:30 this time.
I'm sorry you felt sick today Ash! get better soon. :-)
And i love you nell!

Hi Jessie baby!
I Love you!! I wanna sleep on you, lol that sounds wrong , rephrase, i wanna hold you and go ni night, hehe nelle talk like a baby when she tid tid.
toodles hun
love always nelle

I am so tired! What a long weekend. Camping was great. We left Friday night. It was awesome spending the whole weekend with Nell. It's hard going back home again without her. :-(Where we can't fall asleep in each others arms.
We canoed, swam, and took moonlight walks. I did absolutely no H.W. So i'm just finishing it right now. lol. I'm such a procrastinator.
Kristen is mad at Janelle now tho. I feel so bad. This weekend was Kristen's birthday party. and Nell couldn't go cuz it was Saturday and we had already left. When we got home today she called Kristen and Kris kept making excuses not to talk to nell saying that she couldn't talk and stuff. I'm so sorry. I'm resposible for two of her lost friendships now. Its that jelousy thing again.:-( but neways...

I was told that I'm spoiled today. So i'm gonna try my hardest to get unspoiled and do everything myself even tho i still don't think I'm spoiled. lol :-)
I'll write more tomorrow. Luvya Andre
and please don't divorce me cuz i didn't call you today!

Hey guys I moved the banner for Saving Amina. Its up top now. So please just take the time to sign your name and you could make a difference!

I think Nell did good on her exam! She just had it last period.
Today is such an exciting day. We have shortened periods because of the magazine drive presentation. And I have two frees today. Even tho they're shortened its stilll pretty cool.
I have way to much Homework tho! I'm excited to go camping but I'll be doing homework the whole weekend. I'll try to get some done b4 we leave.
Andre and I made a pact last night. But I can't tell you what it is because part of the pact is to tell no one what it's about. lol
I probably won't be able to post anything all weekend. So Monday I'll update and tell ya'll how the weekend went. Byes!

yea nells coming as long as she passes her latin exam. If she doesn't i will be so mad at her.

Oh yeah and i'm going camping in sturbridge this weekend. i think nell is coming with me. it will be so much fun i can't wait!

you could save a life! Just click on that link to the left and sign your name to the letter. I thought it was pretty cool and if it actually makes a difference its even better! I hope u all sign!
thanks! Jess
and on to my explanation of the day...

I'm not in a creative writing mood today. I'm too tired and grumpy. But today was just like ne other day. Me, nell, and andre, had free first period. thats about it.
But o yeah i did get to miss Bio class! Heres what happened: Larissa and i wear pentacles to represent our beliefs. Mr. Giard is a retard! On orientation he told me i couldn't wear it. I decided to continue to wear it and just hide it from him. Well I told Larissa to hide hers when we were at lunch cuz i saw him watching and she didn't do it! So he warned her and told her to put it away. Then he told Doc O. So after lunch we had a nice long chat with Doc O. she missed Latin and I missed Bio. Turns out the reason we can't wear them is because some kid last year threatened to cut a lock of someones hair and burn it. So now they associate wicca with bad stuff. And supposedly people get "scared" when they see pentacles. its fucking ridiculous. I don't practice black magic! Its a whole different branch of witchcraft. but whatever.
Ok andre what did u do fall asleep again? cuz ur late for our randezvous! I'm divorcing you again. ttfn

Noooo! My classes aren't changed! I can't take latin and I'm soooo depressed about it! At least I have a free with nell and andre now. But I can already tell this year is going to be hard. I'm so tired. And its only been two days."Cry!"
I stayed after school until 3 today and Luke was there. I don't understand why he acts so stupid when i'm around him. Like he can't be himself. It drives me crazy.
I have lots of homework. But Global is the most important because thats the class hes in and i have to do better than him. I'm determined. i will get 100 on that quiz tomorrow.
Nell stayed after with me too! :-) and ashley was there but we didn't know until the very end.:-( owells
Andre only stayed until about 2:30. But we made a plan to randezvous on-line at 4:30 so i'm tlaking with him now!

yea! I got to school today and andre doesn't really hate me! I'm so happy. I thought he was gonna divorce me as a friend. So yeah i'm in free now. I got my classes changed. Sr. Peggy called me down today. So I have free with nell and a bunch of classes with her. I so happy!

Me and Andre are kinda fighting. I was gonna tell him something but then i didn't want to and now hes really mad at me.I'm sad about it. o well

hey its andrue here again...i dont know how to write in my own blog so i am going to write in jess's..fun i know school started today...it was ok..i feel all cool as a sophmore now and not a freshman...now i think i hate the freshman and they have not done anything...i think its something that happens when u are not a freshman anymore...i had to stay after school and help carry a sign for dr. O..molly went down to 114 to help me and then we ran away..i talked to jenn...i think she is trying out for the play....everyone should try out!!!!!!! yeah so thats the end..i did all my homework so i will end up watching tv or something......

O yeah and I talked to John again last night. I never can tell if hes lieing thats what i don't like. I don't know if i can trust him. It seemed like we had a good down to earth conversation. and he told me some stuff. but who knows? he coulda been putting up a front so i've heard. He does that to people quite often. I was way too nice to him. I just guess i still want him as a friend despite the fact that he never liked me. Or i just sympathize with him or something. I don't know theres not much i can do if he doesn't open up to me . So i give up. Wish i could help! but John If you want to talk about stuff or something call me. U can trust me. My life is just as messed up as yours u might be surprised. too bad you never gave me a chance. It mighta been worth it.

I've completed the first day of school. Whoo who! I'm a sophmore now! We get to sit on the other side of the cafeteria! Do you know how awesome that is? It feels great!
I absolutely hate my schedule tho. I only have two frees in the whole 8 days and all of my teachers are either boring or mean. So i'm not exactly thrilled. What was I thinking when I signed up for all those classes? at least i won't have time to socialize!
O yes and Janelle. Well the moment i saw her I fell in love all over again. I knew it was silly to think any differently. I guess I was just kinda mad because of the circumstances and not being able to talk to her much anymore.(we only have one class together ironically its Bible and hardly any lunches:-( but thats not her fault and its not my fault its just how things are. Its something we can't control and i took it out on our relationship. I love you baby!
Luke is well hes luke and i don't really like him enough to go out with him. Theres too much competition to be smarter than one another. Today in my Global class the teacher asked if someone could point out where Afghanistan was on the map and of course he volunteered. Not surprising! He would be degrading if i ever got involved with him and a girl doesn't need that.
And Andre well we have A lunch together on day 1! we don't have any classes together! I'm bummed. but u shoulda seen nells eyes light up when I told her! So I'm happy for her sake. lol
Ashly! Your in my Bible class with nell! I'm sure we'll have some great times! ugh! mr. carey is soooooo boring!!!!!;-)LOL

hey its andrue here...as it turns out i can write in jess's blog and i think she can write in mine...crazyness i kno...yeah oh well school starts tomorrow...i'll see u then jess!
No Andrue I can't write in your blog until you've invited me! lol maybe u should invite me?
P.S. I got this crazy idea. I think you should change your name to Andre. It would be cool.

Well I just got home from my shrink appointment. It went ok. We talked about nelle and andrew and luke and my mom and all my difficulties and conflicts. lol. Then we went to mcdonald's and i got french fries so i'm stuffed now. (sorry grandma i won't be needing ne of that veggie soup tonight!;-)
But just before i left for it I was talkin to Ashly . I hope she doesn't mind but you have to read what she wrote. It was so sweet! I agree with her 110%! I really do feel like i can trust her and tell her stuff. u can read it
at this link.
It makes me happy to know that i have friends that I can really trust and count on. And I just wanna let her know that she can trust me too.
Janelle emailed me earlier. It should have made me happy to hear from her but for some reason it didn't. She basically said that she was sorry she couldn't talk to me and she didn't want what happened with caitlin to happen to her and jackie. (that i understand) She was also worried that luke and andrew were influencing me. o yeah and she asked me to help her cheat on the summer reading.
But my only argument to her is: Why havn't you told her?! I really thought this relationship meant more to you. I've told all my friends and they're my friends so they understand. Including people i was deathly afraid to tell. My whole family knows! I told them because I love you and I really thought you were gonna be a part of my life for a long time. but if you don't wanna tell them then i guess i understand. It used to be the other way around and I was unsure about telling people but now its you.
The other thing the shrink and i discussed is maybe nell and i need a little space for awhile. U know some time to figure things out and date around alittle.
But in my heart I know things will be ok. We just need to spend time together. and if that doesn't work then I'll consider adding space to our relationship. I'm just afraid that if that happens we won't be friends anymore. and i love her too much to lose that. its not worth the risk.

I should really be doing my homework! Why must I always procrastinate so?
I just talked to Jo. This girl I met on Bolt. She seems really cool! and shes lots of fun to talk to.
I have a shrink appointment today. Its at 5:00. So that leaves me...about 3 and a half hours to do hw! Plus i gotta take a shower and do all the girly make-up stuff before going. "sigh!" its hopeless!
Well I will be pretty booked this year because Andrew wants to give me Tennis lessons and Luke is going to tutor me in history . We made plans last night and grandma pretty much said ok. So i'm excited! I don't know what my Nell is gonna say about it. But I trust that she'll trust me just to hang with them as friends. And maybe I'll try out for the play. But i'll definately play tennis in the spring after all those lessons we are planning. :-) lol I havn't talked to Nell in awhile. This is what she said after reading my bolt journal yesterday:

":( i read your journal i love you so god damn much. and i miss you as much. I just really am worried about luke got to go luv yah!!!
im sleeping at jacks toodles"
I got kinda jelous that she is sleeping at Jackies. but theres no reason. so I'm over it cuz i know their just good friends. It just made me mad that she couldn't take the time to write more than three sentances to me when we have hardly gotten the chance to talk in the past week. Shes been with Jackie for the past two days. and she hasn't talked to me hardly at all. I thought i was more important than that. but whatever. I'm just kinda overtired right now. This mood will hopefully pass.

Its 2:54 a.m. I am talking to Andrue. We've bonded even more than before. I didn't think it was possible but we have. He asked me why I did not tell him I liked him before I hooked up with nell. and I said i was sorry.

I talked to John for the first time in a while. Hes still the same lieing kiniving bastard he was b4. He tried to win me over and did a poor job of it. I feel sorry for him but hes going to have to learn to overcome his jelousy. He isn't a very good friend if he can't support me and Nell. Even Ashly says so. Right Ash? ;-) But really I gave him my hand and offered to help and support him theres not much else i can do. And it hurts
when he calls nell a dyke. Goddess knows what hes called me. but I don't care.
I just know that nell cares about him and they were good friends. I feel like i broke them up. But its just jelousy. An evil...evil thing.

I think I've realized how much I love Nelle now. Its a relief I'm back to normal again. I love her so god damn fucking much! How could I have ever thought like that? I think I'm just under a lot of stress right now. With everything thats going on with my mom. and school starting on Tuesday. But Nelle if you read this i love you and i have no doubts.

Last night I talked to Andrue until 3 a.m. We talked about everything you could possibly talk about for 5 hours. Bj's, sex, our love lifes, the fact that he really does like me. u get the point. But they passed fairly quickly and amouted to about 40 pages of writing in all! I used to have a thing for Andrew. But I got over him as my obsession with nell became love . She was the only thing i thought or cared about for 4 months. She still is really because i do care about her. And I think i really just need time to think. I need to talk things over with her before I just throw everything we have away. When we were on the phone today there were just so many paople around and we couldn't talk. it wasn't fair. Plus shes had people over her house every night and shes been going to parties so she can't talk to me long because its rude to ignore her guests. When we got off the phone i was on the verge of tears. I'm not sure if she noticed. I don't think so... I think she was too busy. but i didn't cry because crying is weak and i'm strong. and I'm not gonna cry I'm gonna work this out.

What is it that I really want? Do I want to marry nelle and be with the same girl for the rest of my life? I don't know. I mean I'm happy with her but I have so many opportunities. so many choices. I feel like i'm greedy for wanting more than nell. She needs me. I can't leave her. I care too much about her. But what is this sudden change of feelings that I've been experiencing?

I just talked to the girl I've loved and devoted my life to for 4 months. I'm confused because it doesn't feel right anymore. When I talk to her I don't feel the same feelings. I don't have the same feelings as I used to.
I wrote this yesterday:
Hi everyone this should be interesting because my life is very interesting. This is just some stuff thats been on my mind lately that i have to get out. I'm vegetarian, wiccan, and bisexual.
The most important person in my life right now is my girl janelle. On bolt u know her as nellegrl03. I love her more than life itself. We plan to get married some day.
Lately I've been feeling kinda different. Alot has been going on. Nelle moved and we can't talk to each other much unless we have a phone card. So we can't wait for school to start again where we can see each other everyday. the last couple of weeks have been really hard.
When nelle and i couldn't talk for a couple of days i started talking to this boy i know from school online.
I knew he liked me and i'd also told him already that i couldn't go out with him because i was involved. But we still talked. He said the sweetest things and we got to know each other better. The thing that really broke my heart is when he said this:
"There's this girl i know i really got a thing for, but she's involved. though i'm losin my head, i'd still rather have her as a friend than not in my life at all. i know i'm in over my head, but she drives me crazy. idk, maybe you know her, you might if i tell you her name." I'll always cherish those words.

But the worst thing is that he said all this when nelle and i we're really feeling the separation and it was hurting us the most. I started to think twice. He saw me before nell or neone did. I really wish i could give him a chance but i love nell too much to leave her. It would hurt too much. and i like what we have together.

Janelle and I have something special. It takes alot of trust and committment to build the kind of relationship we have. We tell each other everything and hold back nothing. I can always count on her no matter what. I have to admit it wasn't always like this. The beginning was a little rocky but we've put that behind us.
Shes the more romantic mushy gushy one. I swear she has this book in her head and as soon as she opens it it just all comes pouring out! She says its because she loves me so much and it just comes to her because she could talk about me forever. She wrote this 3 page story about how she feels about me and it almost brought me to tears.Our relationship almost seems too perfect. I only wish that everyone could see it and realize how much we love each other.