"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." -Erica Jong

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes sayin' you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd
Old Mr. Webster could never define
What's being said between your heart and mine

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes sayin' you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes sayin' you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all

Even if there's no school I still have work. :-(
I decided I couldn't stay mad at janelle because she needs me right now and I'm not that heartless. Never could ignore a damsel in distress...

I'm not really sure what shes doing. Its kinda complicated I guess. I know I'm being immature by not dealing with it but I don't feel like it right now. I can't put my finger on the exact problem. Its just how shes been acting lately. Definately not best friend material. Extremely selfish, conceded, and childish.
I could do what i usually do and just understand that she probably just needs some time and that growing up isn't easy. But I at least deserve some respect...
She really doesn't know me nemore.

pardon my intrusion

what's nelle doing that es you off? -kim

odin225: i think he lost sight of what true love is and instead has gone back to idolistic worship
odin225: yeah
The Rebel Flirt: but i feel that he truly loves me
odin225: yeah he does but define the word love
The Rebel Flirt: to me love is going newhere in the world for that person. Not being able to tell where he begins and u end. Just becoming one. Being content with that person for the rest of your life. Adoring all of their qualities as well as their faults. loving them even though u realize they arn't perfect but kno deep in your heart that they couldn't be anymore perfect for you. being able to let them down and get in fights if it means it'll bring the relationship to a greater level or help them for the better. Being able to communicate about absolutley everything and having no reservations. dreaming dreams and forming goals together. Having a healthy responsible relationship in which you can spend time apart and still come back and feel just as in love as ever. I ask God every day to help me make our relationship healthy and longlasting because I dont ever wanna lose him. I wanna get through this life together. More then anything i want him to be the one i raise a family with. i want to look into his eyes and see his love for "Our" children reflecting back at me. I want this feeling to last forever because at the moment I believe it will. but i also kno that there will be a lot of hardtimes to get through. So i need God's help for that. I see God in our relationship. That's a huge aspect of love. I know that with God's help we can make it out together...


The Rebel Flirt: Oh yes and always knowing what the other is thinking...I know by the way he sighs or the face he gives me exactly what hes thinking. I know when hes not really himself and he just needs some time to think...or someone to talk to...
The Rebel Flirt: I always know what to say to make him happy when hes down... and he does the same for me in every way...
odin225: good job you have found out what love is but has ryan
The Rebel Flirt: how could u ever question ryan on that?


Jess: where'd u go?
Ryan: i
Ryan: i'm here
Jess: then why wont u talk to me?
Ryan: i'm just looking for me
Jess: yea your aweful preoccupied tonight
Jess: well your in everything i said
Jess: i could help u find u if u want
Jess: you are me. and i am you. we are we
Jess: you are the man who guided me in finding myself. You undepressed me. You actually made me really excited and happy about something for the first time in forever. You took me aside and purified me. You taught me morals. You gave me a God. You gave me a good relationship with my family.
Jess: You talked with me about everything possible and we discovered things together
Ryan: yeah...that's the ryan i
Ryan: m trying to find
Ryan: he was a good one
Jess: your still that ryan. You've just had a tough year
Ryan: one of the best
Jess: and we're human so we're bad influences on eachother
Ryan: there have been so many ryans
Jess: odin225: good job you have found out what love is but has ryan
Jess: i dont know how odin could question you on that
Ryan: yeah me neither
Ryan: he knows me better than that
Jess: i thought so too...

So yea i don't know whats wrong with me lately but almost everything janelle does pisses me off...I give up on her...
Went to the mall with mike after school...just got home...wish my ryan was here. :-/

silverhuntress33: lol
silverhuntress33: i wrote u back in the side section *giggles*
The Rebel Flirt: lol
The Rebel Flirt: u made me giggle lol
silverhuntress33: lol
silverhuntress33: *giggles more*
silverhuntress33: now i sound really retarded, lol
The Rebel Flirt: lol
The Rebel Flirt: same here
The Rebel Flirt: i think its the word giggles
The Rebel Flirt: oh and im going veggie again
silverhuntress33: oooh!!!!!!
silverhuntress33: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
silverhuntress33: welcome back to the light!
The Rebel Flirt: i'm so not a meat eater
silverhuntress33: :-D
The Rebel Flirt: i dont even like it
silverhuntress33: we're gonna have a party! a veggie party!
silverhuntress33: yay!!!!!
The Rebel Flirt: lmao
silverhuntress33: i have another veggie again!
The Rebel Flirt: :-D
silverhuntress33: *starts humming amazing grace*
silverhuntress33: u once were lost, but now are found, were blind, but now u see!
The Rebel Flirt: lol
silverhuntress33: *sings "i'm coming out"*
silverhuntress33: i want the world to kno, gonna let it show!!!!
silverhuntress33: for, she's a jolly good veggie! for she's a jolly good veggie! for she's a jolly good veggie!!!!! which nobody can deny!
silverhuntress33: *jumps around like psychotic toddler*
The Rebel Flirt: lol
silverhuntress33: i'm so hyper
The Rebel Flirt: i noticed
The Rebel Flirt: put it to use and study some
The Rebel Flirt: :-P
silverhuntress33: lol, once i open a book i'll be back asleep again


lol so thats my announcement to the world that I'm most likely going vegetarian again... I'm off to take a shower, study more for literature, write an xtra credit essay, and do some algebra....starbucks works wonders:-P

your sorry doesn't cut it... I'm grumpy and bitchy(quite possible pmsing) and i'm not settling for sorry janelle. not this time... if u wanna be immature and act on ephemeral emotions then i can give u that in return...obviously talking things through and debating doesn't get to u...It doesn't get us newhere. I'm tired of listening to u moan and groan about all of your problems and then when i need you you're never there. It's not like i ask much of you.(maybe some respect, don't look down on me and pretend your 10 times better, it just shows further immaturity) I'm stable enough that i dont often need advice. When i do its usually something serious. I don't wanna hear you yell at me for missing ryan anymore. I listen to you complain about missing kim every freaken day. Naturally if your talking about kim I'm going to think of ryan. I might see him every day but do i ever really see him? I have to freaken stand 10 feet from him or the nuns will beat us with broomsticks and rulers. When i'm at school i'm concerned with school work and school work only. I do appreciate what time we do get together but at school i'm usually overtired or my mind is somewhere else or lately just fighting depression enough to get work done.
You come to me every other day with transient issues that would boil over if u gave them time. Think things over and put them into perspective before you turn it into the end of the world. Not that I mind listening and helping you out but i think its a life long skill that it'd be helpful to learn. Maybe i'll talk to you sometime...I don't know if I "have time" as of now...
Sorry if i tend to sound like a shrink but thats just how I think so deal with it...

hey jess im sorry, im call you in a bit ive calmed down.

i need a best friend who doesn't run and hide when i need someone to talk to because she has too many of her own problems...

ohh i went over larissa's house thursday and we watched a movie. As always we talked about all the philosphical topics and performed psycho analysis' of people. U know the intellectual stuff that janelle doesn't like to talk about. But I just wanted to say she has like the best mom ever!!! Whenever i go over her house she always hugs me and says how good I look. But after, i was talking to larissa about how cool her mom is and she said her mom thinks that i'm like the best. So of course i have to rave about it on my blog and give her a shoutout...Shes right up there next to nicks mom. she was pretty cool too. Maybe i'll start a cool mom's hall of fame...:-P
ohh speaking of mom's i finally got a gold chain for the mother/daughter friendship pendants that i bought mom for mothers day last year...ZZzzzZZzzz...yea i'm really tired...i'll stop babbling on about silly stuff now...
on second thought i just realized that i've never called ne1 dad the other day. The realization was kinda wierd. A combination of mixed feelings. I remember how my mom used to try and console me when i was little and didn't really know the difference. she always said that she was my mommydaddy. I think as a result of not having a real dad kids crave male attention. o well it's time for church so i'll write more of my thoughts on this subject later. Prob next week...

Jacob was soo good for me last night...He was the cutest thing!!! We watched The Princess Bride and he made me hold him during the movie. And then when it was time to go to bed I asked him if he was ready and he stood up and went upstairs just like that. Since when do little kids ever wanna go to bed? Ryan came over and he got there just as i finished feeding jacob. I didn't really get too much time with him though because i had to take care of jacob and stuff. So that kinda sucked.
But neway while we were putting him to bed it was dark in the room so i bought a flashlight in. Ryan did like a light show on the ceiling and jacob went crazy. He loved it. Ryan said his dad used to do it when he was little. and i'm like umm ok must be a boy thing cuz personally i don't find a flashlight all that enthralling.:-P lol
I went to bed real late and had to get up wicked early this morning. So essentially i was a zombie at work. I'll probably sleep on the way to aunt G's house. I have a ton of stuff to do up there...hence i begin my to do list...(just helps me organize stuff)- First i have to exchange ryan's ring and like spend all my money doing it cuz there's a stupid resizing fee. Then I have to spend that $120 store credit at the boston diamond exchange from something a while ago. I'll prob buy a gold chain for his hs ring or sumthin cuz the one its on now is only silver.
-Then we're going ice skating tomorrow from 3-5.
-At some point i have to finish the presentation stuff for the East outing club.
-help aunt g unpack because she just bought a new house in arlington.
-Study for exams!!!
-Do all the extra credit for random classes to boost my grades just in case they need it...
-Should prob clean my room...
-figure out what i have to do to get my birth certificate cuz somehow my first one got lost...then send it to mr levins to get my working papers...
-remember that i have the other drug and alcohol class on monday so i have to get all my hw and stuff done b4 that so that i can just go to sleep when i get home...
-likewise doctors appointment tuesday so i gotta study for that exam in all my freetime...
-go on a diet cuz i'm gettting reallly fat!! I think i'm gonna go vegetarian again cuz i really don't even like meat all that much...
-Ahh exploravision!! I just remembered that!! Steves counting on me so somehow i have to finish it. Maybe tonight...
-take a tylenol cuz i have a headache that won't go away...:-(

babysitting jacob tonight:-) Work tomorrow 6-12... study for midterms...

Don't wanna work tomorrow!! have sooo much to do!! But i guess thats part of learning that you gotta prioritize and plan out your time. Sometimes when you have more going on you actually get your work done better...
It's also realizing that sometimes you gotta do things you don't wanna do...
ni night...o wait i can't sleep...:'-(

Just when i thought i really fit in doubt doubles within...
grr I hate East Catholic!! Ok thats the thing I don't really hate East nemore. In the past year I've really grown to love it there. Or the people there at least. I love my classes and all of my teachers. But I'm tired of all of the empty insults the higher administration throws at me and my friends. I deserve alot more trust and respect then they offer. I talked to a friend of mine who is a guidance counselor at E. O. Smith. We're going to set up a time to visit. So maybe by next year I'll be attending public school. I'll miss everyone alot but it wont be so bad. I mean its right on uconn campus so it means unlimited use of an awesome library. I can go ice skating all the time. and they wont throw me out of the Church for praying the rosary with my best friend. Doc O seems to think he can just throw me out of the chapel. He forbayed Ryan and I from being alone together. For no real reason. Just because the chapel is quiet and dimly lit. I'd think it would be a good thing for a young couple to pray together. But no not to todays society. They're too fucking paranoid that we'll do something to make them look bad. So we're allowed 20 minutes after school with the door open and a shitload of noisy kids running by. We might as well be a public school if chapel access is limited to such an extent. I don't pay tuition to be treated like a convict. I wish i had a lawyer or a father with a ton of influence. Then I could get them to stop pushing me around. Or then again maybe i'm overreacting to all of this. but what's a girl to do?

Shawn was really awesome and drove me to work yesterday. :-) thx Shawn!! might go to see the last samurai tomorrow or might just stay home if I'm lucky enough to be graced with Ryan's presence. I work saturday from 6-12. Then i wanna go to uconn library cuz i should really review some for midterms. Dunno if its worth it though because i already know everything...We'll see...
i talked to urbansky about mass and he needs eucharistic ministers so i'll be doing that next mass. yay!!
(my sweatshirt smells like ryan!:-D)
Steve said i talk about ryan alot. But he said its not like its random. Its just it always fits in somewhere in someway. lol i dunno i never used to but i guess i've started because i don't want other guys getting ideas. Not talking about ryan would just make me more appealing. So if i act more taken they back away. make sense? I think so...it works for me anyway...
And I've just felt so in love lately! I've gained appreciation like wo and an awareness of how lucky i really am. And it's not like the love you feel in the beginning(although it was never ignorant). It's the kind where you really see the person and love and accept them for who they are, idosyncrasies and character flaws included. So naturally especially with how well we know eachother I always find a connection to him when talking to people about things.
O well I've got alot to do...and its hard not to go to sleep so i better go try b4 i give in and sleep...

I'm soo tried!! Vacation always throws me off for quite a while... I feel like I've been changing alot lately too. My priorities are definately altering. I care less about certain things or people and more about others. I'm definately going through another period of spiritual growth and appreciation.
I think the circumstances of late have forced me into it. I'm not sure if its a good thing or a bad thing though...The people that i've given up caring about and trying with will probably get frustrated and it will just make things worse. But I need to concentrate on other things right now and worrying about them just drags me down way too much. I'll pay for it later on i'm sure...
I've also learned to say no because I can't make everyone happy in every way. Even if it feels satisfying at the time I need to stop and look at the consequences and long term effects. I've always been one to get bored and sometimes I've found that i'll unconciously get myself into a compromising situation just to stir things up for excitement. I mean its always because it feels good to make someone else happy but if you really analyze it, that's selfish of me because long term I'll only be disappointing or ruining someone or something in one way or another. I can only do so much at a time and do it right. And I can only be who I am... I can't conform to someone elses standards. Not that I try to. I just think that in certain situations I have. But a majority of the time I am me. I'm just a very versatile person and can mold to whoever I'm with at the time. It's a gift but it can get confusing when you forget who you really are.
We've decided that ryan is similar. He takes on the traits of whoever he's with but unlike me he wont carry them with him after they're gone. I tend to pick up alot of characteristics from other people and they stick to me like glue. Not bad characteristics of course but it just confuses the people around me who know me because i'm so much different...but neway people probably found all that confusing. I just needed to write it down somewhere so pay no attention...
I found a cool math tutor. I think its just better when someone other than ryan helps me with math. I mean i learn with him i just end up not trying as hard. We're best at learning music theory together. But only because neither of us kno it yet so we're discovering it together.
Chemistry on the other hand he can't help with so I'm gonna have to have andrew help with that too. I'm only doing it as review for midterms because after vaca i really need it...

the cranberries

I don't down this row before
Now I'm coming back for more
This is like a déja-vu
I was born to be with you

Into the night we went to sleep
You and I were meant for peace
Into the night we went to play
You and I

I really hope you'll always be
So in love with me
I really hope we'll always stay
So attached this way
I really hope you'll always be
So in love with me
I really hope we'll always stay
So attached this way

So xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
We don't have to change at all
And our life will not xxx
It's one freedom all about

Into the night we go to sleep
You and I were meant for kiss
Into the night we go to play
You and I

I really hope you'll always be
So in love with me
I really hope we'll always stay
So attached this way
I really hope you'll always be
So in love with me
I really hope we'll always stay
So attached this way

I really hope you'll always be
So in love with me
I really hope we'll always stay
So attached this way
I really hope you'll always be
So in love with me
I really hope we'll always stay
So attached this way

I really hope that you'll always be here
I really hope that you'll always be near
Take really note that I'll always be here
I really hope that we'll always be near

Its late at night and I feeling down
there's a couple standing on the street
sharing summer kisses and silly sighs
so I step inside
pour a glass of wine
with a full glass and an empty heart
I search for something to occupy my mind

But you are in my head
Swimming forever in my head
Tangled in my dreams
Swiming forever
So I listen to the radio and all the songs we use to know
So I listen to the radio remember where we use to go

Now its morning light and its cold outside
caught up in a distant dream
I turn and think that you are by my side
so I leave my bed and I try to dress
wondering why my mind plays tricks
and fools me in to thinking you are there

But your just in my head
Swiming forever in my head
not lying in my bed
just swiming forever
So I listen to the radio and all the songs we use to know
So I listen to the radio remember where we use to go

I listen to the radio and all the songs we use to know
I listen to the radio remember how we use to go
you are in my head
Swimming forever in my head
Tangled in my dreams
Swiming forever Swiming forever
So I listen to the radio and all the songs we use to know
So I listen to the radio remember where we use to go

I'm listening to the radio 'coz of all the songs we use to know

I listen to the radio.

I wanna feel just like before
Before the rain came in my door
Shook me up, turned me 'round
Made me cry 'til I would drown
Stole the daylight brought them nights
So much anger I would fight
Lost my youth, I'm in the blue
Saw all the loneliness in you
Want to help you, give you love
Turn some light out from the mud
Build the empty final rhyme
A brighter day, a better time
But I'm wondering where I'm gone
Can't find the truth within my song
All I have I'll give to you
To let you know you're not alone

I'm telling you
Smiling for you only
I'm trying for you solely
I'm praying for you only
No more cry, no more cry

I want to hear you laugh again
Don't allow the ache to bring you down
No, we'll never be the same
If only I could take your pain
If it's true what people say
There still is beauty in each day
We find comfort in her strength
And wonder soon we'll meet again

I'm telling you
Smiling for you only
I'm trying for you solely
I'm praying for you only
No more cry, no more cry
I'm singing for you only
Hey, I'll be weary for you only
I'm praying for you only
No more cry, no more cry

Reach out for your love (love)
Shout out for your love (love)
You'll send for your love (love)
Believe in her love

I'm telling you
I'm telling you
Smiling for you only
I'm trying for solely
I'm praying for you only
No more cry, no more cry
I'm singing for you only
Hey, I'll be weary for you only
But it's you 'saved me from lonely
No more cry, no more cry
No, no more cry (No more cry)
No more cry (No more cry)
No more cry (No more cry)
No more cry (No more cry)

the corrs

Long day and I'm ready
I'm waiting for your call
'Cause I've made up my mind
My heart aches with a hunger
And I want that you were mine
No I cannot deny

So for one night
is it all right
That I give you

My heart
My love
My heart
Just for one night
My body
My soul
Just for one night
My love
My love
For one night
One night
One night

When morning awakes me
Well I know I'll be along
And I feel I'll be fine
So don't you worry about me
I'm not empty on my own
For inside I'm alive

That for one night
It was so right
That I gave you

My heart
My love
My heart
Just for one night
My body
My soul
Just for one night
My love
I loved
For one night
One night
One night

(Guitar Solo)

For one night
It was so right
That I gave you

My heart
My love
My heart
Just for one night
My body
My soul
Just for one night
My love
I loved
For one night
We loved
One night
One night
One night

there's a flyying squirrel in my house so we couldn't go to church!!! He's hiding in the living room but hes kinda scared so we can't find him to get him out. I wanna keep him as a pet!! lol

As I hold back tears and even yet, more feelings of hurt
you set yet more restrictions and i wonder if it's even worth it anymore
Trust is nearly non-existent
love is scarce
What more do we have left?
We do what we can but you just can't seem to understand
We try so hard and all you can see is negativity
Victims of innocence
I sit here writing this because I'm frustrated
Frustrated with you as you are me
I wish i could say to just give us a chance
but i know it won't matter because of your blurred visiblility
I know it will pass because it always does
I thank God that he gave me the gifts to see beyond
the past is gone and not worthy of regret
The future unfolds in a sea of turmoil and possibility
So I live for the future fogetting what you've made him become
Forgiving you for controlling our life and holding us back
Maybe you don't see it that way and maybe i'm wrong
But that's just how it feels and this is just how I deal
If you don't wanna listen then don't read my blog
I can't help what I write in here
It's driven by emotion far stronger than I can control
I only wish you knew how I feel

I apologize for Larissa's comment about how parents are stupid for invading my privacy and reading my blog. That obviously wasn't me writing, it was Larissa. And i'd never call you stupid and tell you to get a life. I think you all know me better than that.