And I begin with another of my condescending rants…
But it all begins as it ends…
Ignorance is bliss…
Only those who listen find the truth…
Sometimes truth can be found in unsuspecting places…
You don’t have to admit defeat to follow the truth…
Rid yourself of self…
As I rid myself of self…

So I’m childish now am I? When will it ever end? Well who’s condemning me from their humble abode? I’ve gone there on a number of occasions not necessarily by choice. I do it out of love because it makes someone special to me happy. I’ll never hate you. It’s not my objective to hate. But I get emotional sometimes. I’m only human. In fact I can even say I love you. As of now I am indifferent. But someday... Someday I will love you. If your worried I’ll take your Ryan away from you then your worries are pointless. Even if it weren’t me then someone would take him away someday. Don’t worry I’ll share…and your always welcome in my home. I forgive you for any hateful comments you’ve made towards my family even if the sting still remains. I’ll get over it…
When I write in my blog it’s like a personal journal. I’m a teenage girl with tons of emotions and I’m still busy discovering myself. I try hard to stay emotionally stable and unbiased but its difficult and I can’t always do that. Sometimes I let my frustrations slip out into the open. This year hasn’t been easy. Hell growing up isn’t easy!! I know you want what is best for Ryan but so do I. Why can’t we do this together? I want him to achieve success and live a fulfilling life. The last thing I aim to do is hold him back or bring him down. It’s gotta be pretty hard as a parent. Decisions and roles don’t always come easy. I don’t deny that. I’m also not saying that I could do a better job but don’t cheat yourself by thinking that you can raise your kids alone. It takes a community because each person has something different to teach them.
Ryan is a remarkable person and I don’t think you always see that. Or maybe you do and your frightened because at the moment you don’t witness him achieving his full potential.
But you can’t live his life for him as I’ve been tempted to do. The choices he makes from here on will shape his life. They are all his and nobody can make them for him. They not only affect this life but lots of other people too and I think he’s aware of that. The point is that you can’t do this for him!!!
Give him some independence. Show him what responsibility is. Only he can choose his destiny. You can’t protect him from himself. He’ll have to be the one who lives with his choices. And he may not necessarily have the same dreams as you do. What brings him satisfaction may not necessarily match up to your standards. But if Ryan is happy then that’s all that should matter. Your happiness should come from his happiness and his likewise.
Don’t treat him like he’s two. Trust a little bit and you’ll be surprised with the results. The more you push him the less he respects you. I’ve watched this occur every step of the way. Towards the beginning I resisted but it all seems inevitable now. You’re choking him and he’s violently gasping for air. Life isn’t meant to be taken so seriously. The real pleasures are found spiritually. It doesn’t matter what Ryan accomplishes here. Material success will only bring you so far and he realizes that. In the end all that matters is God. All that matters is love. If Jesus came to you and said give all of your possessions to the poor and come follow me…Could you do it? Could you really though?
“Those who love are content with only a small house” have you realized that yet? I’m sure you have it just appears as though you haven’t from the outside. I mean who cares about how many miles are put on a jeep? Or how much money he spends on a girl? Certainly not God. It won’t get you to heaven. Does God have a plan for Ryan? Yes he does and I’m quite certain it involves me in some way. Whether transient or not... And if it doesn’t well I’d be saddened but I’m open to that too. We made it through everything that happened a couple weeks ago and to me that’s a visible sign.
Just stop worrying so much. Ryan knows what he has to do. It’s not always easy for him but he’ll get there.
Trust me! I wish I could pick him up and carry him down the path so that he didn’t have to be taunted by life but I know I can’t. He knows where he has to go but the more you push him the further he becomes discouraged. Not to mention your blood pressure would decrease. :-P
I know you probably won’t listen to anything I have to say. You wont take any of this seriously. It probably wont even touch you. But I’m telling you now your son; your baby boy needs you. He’s nearing the edge. If you wont listen to me then please just listen to him. Look past trivial matters and practicalities. Screw the ideals of society. Why follow what remains when the rest are corrupt? Tradition can only be taken so far. You can’t always use what you’ve always known. We live in a different world now. Look at Ryan’s friends. I don’t think they’ll grow up any less fortunate just because they are allowed freedoms. Sometimes you have to apply what you’ve learned based on a unique situation. Break free if such traditions. In Ryan’s case they wont get you far. Your little boy’s growing up. Do this for him because he needs you!

BLUEBERRIES!!!! 4--> N-->

Left my house at quarter to 6 am. didn't get home until 11 pm. Went to sleep at 12 am. but i was with ryan the WHOLE time so it was definately worth it. We worked yesterday morning. then we went to his house and did some chores like cleaning his room and stuff. and we we're gonna go see the cat in the hat but decided its better to save money. So we stayed at his house and his sister made us dinner because his parents were out. I wanted to help but they seem to think i can't do anything right.:-P We watched the Shawshank Redeption and i fell asleep on him during this horrible movie called The Hulk. :-P
Before he left my house we said prayers together and he tucked me into bed. It was really nice. :-)
Yesterday was the first day in a long time that we've actuallly really spent some good quality time together...every day before that it was always stressful because he had to finish college apps. or we couldn't do something because he wasn't done yet. like last weekend. I guess really its just a look at how its going to be next year and when we grow up. But nooo i don't want it to be that way!! too much responsibility. I just want it to be us in oru own little world...

This has to have been the worst week ever. I've been so half asleep for its entity. Is that even a word? lol i dunno but neway...
I think working late on tuesday threw me off. and then work thursday. and then tomorrow realllly early!!! yea work brings me down i'll have to admit it. and then i end up late for school because i sleep through my fire engine alarm clock. no joke. its so freaken loud u can hear it through my entire house and it wakes everyone up but me. i don't even remember hearing it.
Ryan is almost done with his college apps though. that was a big part of my discontent. Still is until he fully finishes...
and then some people just piss me off. I guess i just have different views on life and its hard to understand. I just think ryan should be treated a bit more human. Its not every year you get to be 17. Everything that happens is so overdramatized. and everytime I'm around his parents if i don't remind myself to ignore them i come home depressed. Its just not my ideal preference for future parent in laws. We'll be living far far away and a certain someones number will be blocked. Did i mention we'll be spending holidays alone? It kinda sucks that the kids wont know their grandparents. I suppose i shouldn't compare him to some of my friends who have a ton of freedom because looking at them in unison makes it look pretty ridiculous... ok all that was pretty harsh and i usually try to be peaceful but holding it back is really hard! Thats just how i feel alot of the time. ok so for better news...homework isn't due until Monday! umm yea i can't think of anything much better to look forward to... might see ryan tomorrow night but that means i have to be mentally stable or i may concede defeat.

(sighs) geeze,thats a pitty.
lol j/k ok im going to slam ryan into a locker tomorrow i've had enough of his procrastinating,ignorant self!
dont hurt me im just saying so...bye!
: D

I'm going crazy. I feel like a have a term paper due tomorrow and have none of it done. In actuality i have nothing due tomorrow. but i pace back and forth and get this sick feeling in my stomach. I just want to crawl under a rock and never come out. If Ryan doesn't get his college apps done soon then i don't know what I'm going to do. He has so much to do and theres nothing i can do. I've tried everything and nothing seems to work. When i'm mean, i go insane and the results arn't worth it. When i'm nice and send him love he takes a nap. and all the pressure thats on him right now is on me too. I'll be so happy when all of this crap is finally over. If its ever over. He just can't seem to concentrate long enough to get his shit done. and I know in everyones eyes that it'll be all my fault if he doesn't. He'll promise me over and over that he'll get it all done and then I'll just forgive him when he doesn't because I don't know what else to do or how else to handle it.

We got report cards today. I hate math!! i mean i don't really i just hate myself for letting my algebra grade slide cuz i know i could have done better. overall i didn't do too bad. I'm happy because my overall average is a point higher then ryans. :-P lol but of course hes in all AP classes. So it doesn't really count. ..:-( but all my teachers gave me really good comments so i guess that felt good.
I have to get up soooo early tomorrow!! I'm working the 6-12 shift. It sucks so much. and ryan wont even be there because he thought he was going to have eastern regionals so he took the day off. :-( He got to come over today though so I'm happy for that. We were real tired tho so its all just kind of a blur. i've come to the conclusion that I'm really not good at writing lately. Too lazy or tired I guess. O well who cares. If you don't like it don't read it. :-P

whatever its mine now. i've only been using it for like ever!

tid tid is def my word!!!!

I'm soooo tid tid!! (tid tid=tired) I just got back from a double date with Mike and Sarah. It went well. We went shopping at West Farms Mall for like ever!!! then we went over Mikes and watched the movie Just Married Ryans calling soon... ni night...

Its been a busy couple of days. As always homecoming night sucked ass. Me and rissa hung out at katrina's bday party on Sat. was alot of fun because we met this guy named brian. he was kinda wierd tho because he wore like gothic clothes and spiked his hair way high yet he liked rap crap. So I dunno. wierdo. lol
Yesterday i was eucharistic minister for the first time. It was kinda scary yet it really wasn't. What was scary is i was wearing this fuzzy angora sweater and i was afraid i'd feed people fuz instead of eucharist. lol I got this really cool purple cross to wear when i'm eucharistic minister too. no really i'm not wearing it right now. :-P ok ok i am its just too cool. lol
but after that i went over ryans house and spent alot of time on his couch reading this scholarship book A Picture of Dorian Gray. It really is quite an odd book. I'm really happy for Ryan because he finished his college essay. lol it was so funny. I was like RYAN finish your essay and hes like noooo i want JESSAY!! lol
After that we went to youth group and i had to stop him from eating all of the snacks because he eats like he has a tape worm or something. He could just eat forever. lol
After youth group Ryan wanted to see the CCD class that he proctored last week. So we went there and ended up teaching them as a team for an hour and a half. It was alot of fun because we got to talk about relationships and teach them everything we know. Even though there was so much more that we could have said we did a good job. They liked talking to us and asking questions too. So by then it was about 8:00 and i had to buy those stupid slip free shoes for work so we went to Wal-Mart and i picked those up. We got a couple of cds too. Ryan got the Beatles and i got the new martina mcbride cd. Lol but as we were leaving we're like bouncy balls!!! no we're not obsessed with them ryan's dad is obsessed with them. so i spent like $3.00 in quarters buying bouncy balls for his dad. I was like ryan this is what u do. Every time ur dad gets pissed you pull one out and say here dad have a bouncy ball. lol really we just wanted to make him happy but it was funny to put it into that context.
After that we were gonna go to the movies but we went there and decided we didn't really feel like seeing the matrix and there wasn't much else playing. We saw Rissa and katie there tho and talked to them for a little bit. then we left and decided to go get something to eat. We went to chilis and it was so awesome because we had like the entire palce ot ourselves. Sunday night is the best time to go out to eat. Ryan being very silly and out of it decided to turn the table into a field and use the coasters to hit the bouncy balls across the table. lol it'd bounce off the table and everywhere but it didn't really matter because we were the only ones there basically. It was a tie game....
Then he brought me home and my mom was here dropping my sister off so i got to see Shannon. I was so tired though that i pretty much fell asleep holding her. I decided that its really not fair that Ryan has to leave me every night and i don't wanna deal with it nemore. It sucks being 16 and i can't wait until we're old enough to have our own place....
I have my second day of work tonight. I'll prob get my uniforms and stuff. I really don't wanna work. Why'd i get this job neway? o yea i wanna buy stuff....

Ryan everytime you feel down just remember...

YOU and I. WE can make a life for ourselves. Together we can move mountains of DOG DOO. All of the shit life throws at us we'll chew up and spit right back. Babe do this with me. Remember your the pillar. The beacon of stability. You've taught me so much. I'd be no where without you. and You've made a difference in so many peoples lives. Not just mine. Just realize how great you are, how important you are, and how much you mean to everyone around you. We've been given such an awesome gift to be able to grow up and face life together...because its sure not easy alone. If I could sit across the porch at God I'd thank him for lending me you...
Someday we'll be ready to make a life together. Through our love we'll bring new life into this world. We'll look into each others eyes and the pride will just overflow. I can't wait for that moment when we'll just be able to block the world out. Even if its only for a short time. WE WILL. But until then we have to prepare for that moment. If this is the life we choose (which it is on my part because i've always been determined not to follow in my mothers footsteps) then we have to work hard for it. No one will hand us our dreams in a sugarcoated truffle.

Babe I kno we can do this together. Now prove it to me and take the initiative!! If you keep your half of the bargain then I'll work on mine. I love you more then words can express...
Love Always,
Jessica

Time goes by so fast, and days they seem to dance
Into the distance till they're gone
If I had a map, to lead you down life's path
I'd give it to you, But I don't
So go on

Cry hard, Laugh Loud
Be humble, Stand Proud
And don't be afraid of your fears
Let love break your heart
Just be who you are
All of this
All that there is
I wish for you

You can never know which way your world will turn
How the stars are gonna fall
Salty tears they burn
There are lessons you will learn
But you'll be stronger for it all
Oh, yes you will

Cry hard, Laugh Loud
Be humble, Stand Proud
And don't be afraid of your fears
Let love break your heart
Just be who you are
All of this
All that there is
I wish for you

Cry hard, Laugh Loud
Be humble, Stand Proud
Hold onto your faith with all your heart
Be careful, Be brave
Be still, but don't stay
In any one place for too long
Remember God's grace
Give more than you take
All of this
All that there is
I wish for you

If I had a zillion dollars and the whole
world on a string
Diamonds in my pockets and the power of a king
I don’t think I’d be any happier than I am right now
‘Cause money’s only paper, It might buy a lot of stuff
But if money’s what your chasing
You won’t ever have enough
‘Cause the best things in life
Might not be free but they sure are cheap

Like sunshine, blue skies and the river on
a hot hot day
Moonlight and a good fight, standing out
In the pouring rain
So many things that money buys
But really nothing I can find
Like sunshine and love

There is something about the moment
When two hemispheres collide
And someone opens up their world and lets
You see inside
And you realize that everything that you’ve
been waiting for
For your whole life is standing right there
There ain’t nothing like love

Like sunshine, blue skies and the river on
a hot hot day
Moonlight and a good fight, standing out
In the pouring rain
So many things that money buys
But really nothing I can find
Like sunshine and love

And sunshine, blue skies and the river on a
Hot hot day
Moonlight and a good fight standing out
In the pouring rain

Like sunshine, blue skies and the river on
a hot hot day
Moonlight and a good fight, standing out
In the pouring rain
So many things that money buys
But really nothing I can find
Like sunshine and love