Tuesday, December 31, 2002
Monday, December 30, 2002
So i went to church today!! thats sumthing i have failed to do in quite a while. even tho not going goes against all structure and the method by which my family exists. We have just been out of the ordinary with everything that has been occuring lately. But its all good.
And I cleaned my room too!!! Watermelon jollyranchers!! total niceness. Its been at least a month since i've seen my beautiful royal blue carpet. Now i can actually enjoy its ugliness!! (ok so its not really that ugly. I should learn to not be so very judgemental )
I talked to ryan on the phone for like 2 hours and its put me in this just awesomely philosophical mood. I guess his intelligence and wit rubbed off on me.;-) So hes suppose to pick me up tomorrow around 1:30. But i'm scared i'm not sure how i should accesorize. Shoud i go punk or just semi punk? or just preppy or i dunno. no def not preppy. but I wanna make a good impression on his mom. And all this talk about her being structured and just the way she worships and stuff has intimidated me. But first impressions last so i think this is something important. but if i just don't think about and be confident things should work out. So basically i should just stop thinking and just be me. and then it will all be good. Yea thats what i'll do. But then i ask myself should it really matter? Or am i making too big a deal out of it and being silly. People should like me for who i am and thats how it should be. Ok all is good now that I've got that settled. or have i?
lol so neways...its really fucking cold in here. so i think i'm gonna go take a shower now before bore the hell out of everyone and drive myself insane by thinking much too much.
PS. Sorry i did not get to call u nell...the day went by so quick and i had this feeling that u wern't home anyway. So i just didn't.
O yea and i just read andrues deadjournal. Well u see thats the thing andrue. and i knew this would be a problem but sometimes u gotta take things into your own hands. I'm not gonna be the one to im u or email u first. not this time. I have nothing to say sorry about. You are just as much the issue as i am. It really sucks that it has to come down to this. but i dunno i just am not gonna do it this time. its up to you...and by the way it would be totally cool if we could be good again. It was nice the way we used to be.
And I cleaned my room too!!! Watermelon jollyranchers!! total niceness. Its been at least a month since i've seen my beautiful royal blue carpet. Now i can actually enjoy its ugliness!! (ok so its not really that ugly. I should learn to not be so very judgemental )
I talked to ryan on the phone for like 2 hours and its put me in this just awesomely philosophical mood. I guess his intelligence and wit rubbed off on me.;-) So hes suppose to pick me up tomorrow around 1:30. But i'm scared i'm not sure how i should accesorize. Shoud i go punk or just semi punk? or just preppy or i dunno. no def not preppy. but I wanna make a good impression on his mom. And all this talk about her being structured and just the way she worships and stuff has intimidated me. But first impressions last so i think this is something important. but if i just don't think about and be confident things should work out. So basically i should just stop thinking and just be me. and then it will all be good. Yea thats what i'll do. But then i ask myself should it really matter? Or am i making too big a deal out of it and being silly. People should like me for who i am and thats how it should be. Ok all is good now that I've got that settled. or have i?
lol so neways...its really fucking cold in here. so i think i'm gonna go take a shower now before bore the hell out of everyone and drive myself insane by thinking much too much.
PS. Sorry i did not get to call u nell...the day went by so quick and i had this feeling that u wern't home anyway. So i just didn't.
O yea and i just read andrues deadjournal. Well u see thats the thing andrue. and i knew this would be a problem but sometimes u gotta take things into your own hands. I'm not gonna be the one to im u or email u first. not this time. I have nothing to say sorry about. You are just as much the issue as i am. It really sucks that it has to come down to this. but i dunno i just am not gonna do it this time. its up to you...and by the way it would be totally cool if we could be good again. It was nice the way we used to be.
Sunday, December 29, 2002
I am so fuckin confused about absolutely everything. but i think im just tired. The more i think about things the more it all seems better. I'm finally home by the way...lol It took me 3 days to escape my moms. We had fun but i missed my friends.
Looks like monday is still on with Ryan. Yayness like wo!! lol and its ok if u were tired tonight Rye i understand. I was too!!
I think i have plans for new years eve now. Nick said he could pick me up and drop me off and stuff. But silly me i closed the im window that had his number in it so now i have to go look it up. We're just gonna hang and watch scary movies. Should be great!!
And i dunno whats going on with andrew. apparently i hear that he wanted to reconcile. whatever. i guess like i said i kinda bagged it and threw it in a closet becuz he pissed me off so much. So i dunno if that will ever happen. I wanna say i could care less. But thats pretty heartless. and im not sure if its really true. I'll have to think on it some more...whatever happens will happen. If not it wasn't meant to be...
O yea and greg is a sweety...lol he says such cute stuff. but i think he says it to all his friends who r girls so it does not mean as much. your a great friend and i forgive u for what u said a million times over. Just thought i'd put a shout out for u too. ;-)*wink wink*
Nell i've thought about u alot in the last couple of days. I love u and i miss u like soo much. I'll try and call ya tomorrow. its kinda late now. I hope everything has been good. Im so freakin excited for u!! Did your mom say yes? ok mmm i'm going to eat cheesecake now. So =P lol ni night everyone
Looks like monday is still on with Ryan. Yayness like wo!! lol and its ok if u were tired tonight Rye i understand. I was too!!
I think i have plans for new years eve now. Nick said he could pick me up and drop me off and stuff. But silly me i closed the im window that had his number in it so now i have to go look it up. We're just gonna hang and watch scary movies. Should be great!!
And i dunno whats going on with andrew. apparently i hear that he wanted to reconcile. whatever. i guess like i said i kinda bagged it and threw it in a closet becuz he pissed me off so much. So i dunno if that will ever happen. I wanna say i could care less. But thats pretty heartless. and im not sure if its really true. I'll have to think on it some more...whatever happens will happen. If not it wasn't meant to be...
O yea and greg is a sweety...lol he says such cute stuff. but i think he says it to all his friends who r girls so it does not mean as much. your a great friend and i forgive u for what u said a million times over. Just thought i'd put a shout out for u too. ;-)*wink wink*
Nell i've thought about u alot in the last couple of days. I love u and i miss u like soo much. I'll try and call ya tomorrow. its kinda late now. I hope everything has been good. Im so freakin excited for u!! Did your mom say yes? ok mmm i'm going to eat cheesecake now. So =P lol ni night everyone
Wednesday, December 25, 2002
Tuesday, December 24, 2002
wow Christmas is so much different this year. Its kinda disappointing. I guess its all part of growing up. but i just wish i was little again...without a care in the world. the thrill of santa coming on xmas morning is gone now and theres nothing to look forward to anymore. But like ryan said remember the reason for the season. Alot of people don't and they just get so mixed up in the commercialism of buying presents. They forget the real reason families are suppose to gather together for the holiday season. and i'm so greatful i have friends to remind me of this. I hope everyone stops to appreciate all that they have this christmas. Sometimes u don't remember until its gone. Peace and love to all I hope u have a wonderful holiday season ciao!!
Monday, December 23, 2002
lol omg! i just told nick about me and nell and its so funny. He is in such shock. Its pitiful that he never knew after passing our notes in theo class for so very long. U'd think some people would put 2 and 2 together. lol j/k but its all silly. I have to go soon. I got a 5:30 shrink appointment...
Sunday, December 22, 2002
So today was nells xmas party. It was ok i guess...When i got home i fell asleep on the couch holding bruno. Twas just adorable. Then the phone rings and i hear nells voice "I called just to say i love you so bye bye now." And shortly after, "Im going to kill u i was sleeping!! YOU CALLED JUST TO SAY THAT!" *click* but it was really sweet i wish i was less cranky.
So i decided to get up and go online because i had a killer caffeine headache and couldn't sleep anymore anyway. Its so funny. the whole time i was sleeping i was reciting numbers in my head. Someones phone number...hmm i wonder whos...lol.
So i guess i forgot to mention how greg and i got in a fight last night. Well we're ok now. Im not getting into the specifics. He just said something about Ryan that really hurt and i got pretty defensive. but its all good. He knos not to cross me that way again.
O yea that kid nick in my theo class that i had a crush on a while back imed me the other day. lol too bad im madly in love with someone else now. Hes cool as a friend tho. He invited me to hang out with him and his friends sometime. They made cookies today. and apparently had some trouble even figuring out how to turn on the stove. haha pitiful. ok well bye bye now
So i decided to get up and go online because i had a killer caffeine headache and couldn't sleep anymore anyway. Its so funny. the whole time i was sleeping i was reciting numbers in my head. Someones phone number...hmm i wonder whos...lol.
So i guess i forgot to mention how greg and i got in a fight last night. Well we're ok now. Im not getting into the specifics. He just said something about Ryan that really hurt and i got pretty defensive. but its all good. He knos not to cross me that way again.
O yea that kid nick in my theo class that i had a crush on a while back imed me the other day. lol too bad im madly in love with someone else now. Hes cool as a friend tho. He invited me to hang out with him and his friends sometime. They made cookies today. and apparently had some trouble even figuring out how to turn on the stove. haha pitiful. ok well bye bye now
Saturday, December 21, 2002
Wednesday, December 18, 2002
kinda dark yet really awesome...
To ye of whom believe in fate, pray hear my message clear;
For when you cross the crystal gate, succumb to dread and fear
There's no escape from hate and lust or shelter from desires;
Your soul shall dwell among the frost of omnipresent fires
So if ye choose to walk fate's path, beware the smouldering coals;
Misplace thy step and feel the wrath of innocent tortured souls
Fear not the viper or the asp, your soul they shall not taint;
But take one sip and feel the grasp of many fallen saints
For fate, it has no faith in ye
It mocks, it spurns and chokes thee
So save thyself and take control
Before the three cause heads to roll
Cross the abyss of your mind
Decide on what to leave behind
Hatred, Lust, Desire, Greed
Each one contains true evil's seed
Floodgates of blood have been raised high, among demons and dread;
Beware the three who share the eye, for them your flesh shall shred
Now taste the cup of bitter wine, heed not what people say
For they shall sprawl in pits of slime, you'll breathe another day
So view the world and all it's death; It's rancid cold corruption
and as you gasp your final breath, don't make the crude assumption
that fate assigns you to a place; Heaven, Hell or Purgatory,
All fate will do is claw your face, 'twas they that killed your story
For fate attempts true homicide
Causes spontaneous suicide
Outrun your phobias one by one
Resist the blade, Despise the gun
Cross the chasms of your soul
Cut all strings, and take control
For Greed, Desire, Lust and Hate
Will start the flood and crack the gate
So, ye of whom believe in fate, my message now you've heard;
and should you pass the crystal gates, remember every word
Abandon hate or lust and dread while enduring your descent
It is thy choice within thy head; "To anger or repent?"
To ye of whom believe in fate, pray hear my message clear;
For when you cross the crystal gate, succumb to dread and fear
There's no escape from hate and lust or shelter from desires;
Your soul shall dwell among the frost of omnipresent fires
So if ye choose to walk fate's path, beware the smouldering coals;
Misplace thy step and feel the wrath of innocent tortured souls
Fear not the viper or the asp, your soul they shall not taint;
But take one sip and feel the grasp of many fallen saints
For fate, it has no faith in ye
It mocks, it spurns and chokes thee
So save thyself and take control
Before the three cause heads to roll
Cross the abyss of your mind
Decide on what to leave behind
Hatred, Lust, Desire, Greed
Each one contains true evil's seed
Floodgates of blood have been raised high, among demons and dread;
Beware the three who share the eye, for them your flesh shall shred
Now taste the cup of bitter wine, heed not what people say
For they shall sprawl in pits of slime, you'll breathe another day
So view the world and all it's death; It's rancid cold corruption
and as you gasp your final breath, don't make the crude assumption
that fate assigns you to a place; Heaven, Hell or Purgatory,
All fate will do is claw your face, 'twas they that killed your story
For fate attempts true homicide
Causes spontaneous suicide
Outrun your phobias one by one
Resist the blade, Despise the gun
Cross the chasms of your soul
Cut all strings, and take control
For Greed, Desire, Lust and Hate
Will start the flood and crack the gate
So, ye of whom believe in fate, my message now you've heard;
and should you pass the crystal gates, remember every word
Abandon hate or lust and dread while enduring your descent
It is thy choice within thy head; "To anger or repent?"
grrr!! i hate andrue so fucking much .die die die!!! He is the biggest fucking asshole in the fucking world. I should mind my own business huh? well i think when it has to do with my friends and defending them its my business. Just because hes jelous i take their side and not his doesn't mean he can come bitching to me. If he would grow up maybe i wouldn't have to. But he really has no freakin argument to go by. I don't fucking care anymore hes not worth my time thats for sure. Go to fucking hell...thats all i have to say...
So anyways!! *Big ass smile!* today was great! It actually wasn't that bad. Despite all the complaining i do. I had 2 cups of coffee and a caffeine pill today yet i still managed to fall asleep thru 7th and 8th period and then come home and sleep for 4 hours. Guess i really needed it. Its helped pass by the time until ryan gets home from work too.;-) lol j/p rye. well not really im serious ok! but its definately the highlight of my day.:-)
So ash and i have been having issues lately. Its all that girly moodiness. thats what i blame it on. but we're always good again. And i wanna thank her for not giving up on me.:-)
Oooo tomorrow is a half day!! im going to the mall after school to do xmas shopping. Charging up the credit card! the sky is the limit!
mmm aunt g just handed me some banana milk shake and its reaaallly good...
So anyways!! *Big ass smile!* today was great! It actually wasn't that bad. Despite all the complaining i do. I had 2 cups of coffee and a caffeine pill today yet i still managed to fall asleep thru 7th and 8th period and then come home and sleep for 4 hours. Guess i really needed it. Its helped pass by the time until ryan gets home from work too.;-) lol j/p rye. well not really im serious ok! but its definately the highlight of my day.:-)
So ash and i have been having issues lately. Its all that girly moodiness. thats what i blame it on. but we're always good again. And i wanna thank her for not giving up on me.:-)
Oooo tomorrow is a half day!! im going to the mall after school to do xmas shopping. Charging up the credit card! the sky is the limit!
mmm aunt g just handed me some banana milk shake and its reaaallly good...
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
Monday, December 16, 2002
Saturday, December 14, 2002
Friday, December 13, 2002
yay!! TGIF! i came home and fell asleep. thats the great thing about friday. :-) You don't have to worry bout hw. And bruni gave me lots of kisses. i love him so much. such a cutie pie.
Well considering that today was friday the 13th it was fairly good!! I think that thursday the 12th is actually a much scarier day. sooo many terrifying things happened that day. So don't be intimidated by friday the 13th. I'm telling u now be afraid of thursday the 12th!! everybody mark your calendars and run!!!
so umm yea anyways. Larissa and i got in a fight again yesterday. God that girl and me are always fighting about something or other. but i was too tired today to hold a grudge. So we just made up. Usually i give her dirty looks for at least a week. i think i actually learned something and applied it this time. Its not worth it to hold a grudge. Forgive and forget. Life is too short to waste it away hating...
Well considering that today was friday the 13th it was fairly good!! I think that thursday the 12th is actually a much scarier day. sooo many terrifying things happened that day. So don't be intimidated by friday the 13th. I'm telling u now be afraid of thursday the 12th!! everybody mark your calendars and run!!!
so umm yea anyways. Larissa and i got in a fight again yesterday. God that girl and me are always fighting about something or other. but i was too tired today to hold a grudge. So we just made up. Usually i give her dirty looks for at least a week. i think i actually learned something and applied it this time. Its not worth it to hold a grudge. Forgive and forget. Life is too short to waste it away hating...
Thursday, December 12, 2002
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
i just had a blueberry muffin yummy! so i guess i better do hw now. lol i fell asleep waiting for nelle to call me at like 8. and surprisingly no one is online right now so there's absolutely nothing to keep me from doing my hw. maybe i'll sleep an hour or 2 more first. i seem to be really tid tid still... i have to wash clothes and take a shower too. yuckies. o wait! it all makes sense again!!! lol i understand why nobody is online now.
They r all band geeks!!! and our school is hosting an xmas special tomorrow!! i wanna go so i hope it doesn't get postponed because of bad weather. Especially to watch everyone look retarded in their red vests. i feel so bad for them!! lol
well its really cold in here so i think i'll go back up to my room again. brrrrrrshkebrrrrrr! im shivering...
They r all band geeks!!! and our school is hosting an xmas special tomorrow!! i wanna go so i hope it doesn't get postponed because of bad weather. Especially to watch everyone look retarded in their red vests. i feel so bad for them!! lol
well its really cold in here so i think i'll go back up to my room again. brrrrrrshkebrrrrrr! im shivering...
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Monday, December 09, 2002
Wow that was a tear jerking session. Altho alot of sessions with my shrink r pretty moving... He said alot of things that flattered me and made me wanna cry. i feel special now. But i guess thats his job. :-) Well i have a detention tomorrow! uck! i have to write an essay bout how its wrong to have your shirt untucked! How ridiculous is that? so stupid. but o well. So i best go do hw. nelle is prob trying to call me so i'll get offline soon...
Sunday, December 08, 2002
I'm finally home!!!! Larissa's surprise party went great. Whirly ball is actually alot of fun!! after we went to the mall. Just me larissa, and nell. We ran into greg and he hung with us for about an hour. OMG! and we saw the waiter in friendly's who gave me his phone number last summer! It was really awkward because he had to wait on us. I ended up sleeping over larissa's. We watched moulin rouge. It really is a great movie but well i won't comment on how much of a turn on it is... lol j/k but it must really be for a guy. instant hard on. after that we pretty much went to sleep. larissa gave me her old tarot deck because i bought her the dragon tarot. i like her old deck alot its really easy to interpret. so im happy i have one at least now!! even if its not the one i want. My mom should be here soon shes taking me to see harry potter. nell is gonna meet us there. we'll prob play in the arcade after. ciao!
Saturday, December 07, 2002
Friday, December 06, 2002
Room Without Windows
No sound, nothing to give ease
Such tense life in this peace
Insanity in this solitude
No direction in this rest
Looking for something he can't see
Seeing something he refuses
No one to tell him why
Wonders of the world outside
Nothing to give a clue
Looks for answers to life
Lying in the little room
Doesn't want to be free
Complains that he's not
Asks no questions
Still looking for answers
Lying like a tree fallen in the woods
Feels like a fallen pillar of a temple
Just a toothpick thrown to the ground
Even the termites don't care
by no one
No sound, nothing to give ease
Such tense life in this peace
Insanity in this solitude
No direction in this rest
Looking for something he can't see
Seeing something he refuses
No one to tell him why
Wonders of the world outside
Nothing to give a clue
Looks for answers to life
Lying in the little room
Doesn't want to be free
Complains that he's not
Asks no questions
Still looking for answers
Lying like a tree fallen in the woods
Feels like a fallen pillar of a temple
Just a toothpick thrown to the ground
Even the termites don't care
by no one
So tomorrow...oops i can't tlak about tomorrow its a surprise. I'll tell u what happens tomorrow on sunday or when i get home. :-) lol ummm... well i feel like i have somehting better to do. o yea i'm gonna read that book. the priestess of avalon. today was a pretty ok day. nothing exciting happened but nothing bad either. so it was ok. i have a really bad crush on someone but i can't say who becuz they read my blog sometimes. Melts my heart tho. g wish seems like i can't even say nething in my own blog nemore.lol. ok i'm gonna go read now. ciao! (its become my trademark I was told today:-)
Thursday, December 05, 2002
ahhhh! u said o dear! lol thats soo cute. and i just so happen to like my elephant ok?
umm well i fell asleep around 10 last night. i set my alarms for 1 in the morning but apparently i didn't hear them becuase i didn't wake up until 4 this morning. and well i was really thirsty when i woke up and drank like a whole bottle of grape juice. when i don't even like grape juice.it was just the picture of oddness. but in any case i decided that since it was suppose to be a snow day neway that i would just stay home and sleep. because usually days that r suppose to be snow days r completely pointless. but in the end i ended up waking up 2 hours ago. it feels great to have actually slept. neway i just found out that my moms bringing me to see harry potter sunday. good times. well i have to make flash cards for spanish. ciao
umm well i fell asleep around 10 last night. i set my alarms for 1 in the morning but apparently i didn't hear them becuase i didn't wake up until 4 this morning. and well i was really thirsty when i woke up and drank like a whole bottle of grape juice. when i don't even like grape juice.it was just the picture of oddness. but in any case i decided that since it was suppose to be a snow day neway that i would just stay home and sleep. because usually days that r suppose to be snow days r completely pointless. but in the end i ended up waking up 2 hours ago. it feels great to have actually slept. neway i just found out that my moms bringing me to see harry potter sunday. good times. well i have to make flash cards for spanish. ciao
Tuesday, December 03, 2002
i finally finished!! and my menu looks awesome. i'm so proud. not really tired nemore either. so i'm just sitting here talking to ryan at 2:00 in the morning about conforming to society. And religion. and other random things. i'm also debating wether or not i should do some more on my global project or risk it and hope i can do it all tomorrow. maybe i can ask for an extention. that would be very nice.and i kno i'll do alot better with one more day. this past week has been really stressful. always knoing that i have hw to do. it sucks. i thought vacation was suppose to be fun? The best day of my vacation was saturday. and now its over!! back to school. until xmas. thank god i'm one day closer to friday. :-)
