Hey

Something's definitely wrong with your blog Jess, because I opened it and I couldn't read it. I had to go to the "edit blog" thing in order to read. I'm talking in fragmented sentences . . . sorry, can't write recently.

not to brag or anything because i completely disagree with these pour lost souls but everyday at work someone tells me i look like a different actress. one day it was jessica biel and then gwyneth paltrow. then i looked like some chick on dawsons creek. and a couple of weeks ago it was someone else but i forgot her name.

I'm not sure what to write i just had a feeling that in blogging i might attain gratification. in another words i'm procrastinating so i don't have to work on my research paper. I've worked so much this weekend and have work tomorrow too. I've actually been home for an hour today and it feels kind of wierd.
I just realized yesterday that my birthday is in 2 weeks.
Ryan's graduation is on thursday but no one saved me a ticket and i'd probably be ostracized if i went anyhow.
Yes it disappoints me because I feel as though i should be there. I put up with such bullshit all year long and stood by him every step of the way and i can't even go to his graduation. No one knows how many nights I stayed up encouraging him to keep going when his parents did nothing but depress and bring him down for no reason worthy of anger. It doesn't account for all the nights i cried myelf to sleep because of what they've said. I'm sure they probably feel as though I am the downfall and every reason for his issues with getting work done but I am not responsible for his actions, and am so unbelievably tired of being the scapegoat. What kind of mother in their right mind could be so selfish and immature? I have no right to judge becuase i am far from perfect, but she calls her self a christian but all u gotta do is read the sunday bulletin to see the contradiction. I know personally that i could never handle situations the way his parents have. and trust me i've thought of all the reasons and made all the excuses and struggled to see things from their viewpoint but i just couldn't see it. I just wish they'd step back and look at the big picture. I struggle to love and remain peaceful, it's just so hard sometimes.

but onto happier things friday was a really good day. Ryan picked me up from work and we went to the park and ate chinese food. We danced to the waifs and musta looked really silly. lol It was so romantic tho and i felt more in love then i've felt in a long time.
We finally got a ring guard for his ring so my ring has meaning at last. It felt so empty wearing it when he couldn't wear his. crap i gotta work on my research paper. no time tomorrow. must finish!!

YAY!! i have A's in nearly every class. The only class i'm not sure about is religion and thats because religion is always so easy that i never pay attention. I've finally met my goal. And once you've gotten all A's once it becomes addictive. So it sets the course for next year as well. eeeeee!!
I was so proud of toby, donovan, and kessing today. It was the senior fairwell and they did a bunch of songs. It was real good. I was like yea those guys are my friends.
I dunno what was up with janelle today tho. She was a real pain in the ass. Complete lack of understanding and all. Today was a big day for me. Letting go of the seniors symbolically and all. So i was crying and she was just like shut up u big baby and couldn't understand why it meant so much to me. Its not like i wanted to cry. I just couldn't stop. I'm gonna miss Ryan soooo much next year. I made him go to English class with me last period and Janelle went loony. She couldn't simply move up a seat so that he could sit next to me. She had to make a huge deal about it and flip over a bunch of desks and have a hissy fit. And then after she's like well u never let me tlak to u and stuff during english class! and i was just like well u fail to realize that i did not talk to Ryan either. I participated in class and payed attention for the entire 40 minutes. I was so happy i got one of the only 2 A's on the research papers.
But yea so i don't know what was wrong with janelle. Some days shes fine, but others she gets all emotional and irrational. She's such a girl and so hard to deal with. She could have at least understood that today was ryan's last day with me at East...

ahhh i'm working 42 hours in the next week!! i will be sooo dead. o well i don't care. I WILL get a car and make enough money to pay for college and insurance and gas and still get good grades in school. I'm determined.
I've been trying to get ryan to get a job. I took him to get apps and everything right around when i did it but he hasn't brought them back yet. SO i dunno what to say. Hopefully we'll be able to get it done soon before there's no jobs left. He has a guaranteed job from aunt erin at uconn transpo that pays like $11 an hour in august though. So thats good.

umm tomorrows the concert. friday peer ministry stuff and carnival at st matthews. sat work real early then maybe donovans and some good meditation. sun church early and then work and then i hope i can see ryan sometime or i'll die from withdrawls. and tuesday is the christian leadership induction so i dunno how thats gonna go.
don't mean to bore people, school is just ending soooo soon!!! i can't believe theres really only a couple weeks left!!

i have so many jobs lined up for this summer that i don't kno what to do with them all!!! Well at least i'll have somethign to put on my resume for the future.
I currently work at dunkin donuts in willington
dunkin donuts in stafford is hiring me next week
The dari Bar wants me whenever i'm available
Santillis told me to come in tomorrow
Willington pizza and this cute little coffee shop will probably call me pretty soon.
Hopefully i'll be able to coordinate all these and make a ton of money this summer.

I gave bruni a bath today. He's so cute!! I'm changing Edgars water by the end of today. And i have to write a 5-7 page research paper that i've yet to start by tomorrow. but don't worry i've had a ton of tea today.

The Rebel Flirt: i just had the best salad ever
mercury2942: lol im chewing a celery wad
The Rebel Flirt: lol when r u not?
mercury2942: most times
mercury2942: i havent had a good one since saturday
The Rebel Flirt: lol thats so funny
The Rebel Flirt: was saturday ur first one?
mercury2942: not ever, no
mercury2942: just in awhile
The Rebel Flirt: i think it depends how old the celery is
mercury2942: nah, i think its the base of it is the good part
The Rebel Flirt: hmm lol thx for the tip
mercury2942: its just a theory at this point

lol ok se here's what everybody has to do. Take a wad of celery and just keep chewing it. don't swallow just chew!!! lol sorry toby if u ever read this. I just had to post it. It was too randomnly funny and blogworthy!!

All of my teachers are so awesome this year. I can tell them like everything. Even the ones that arn't my teachers. i needed references for my job applications and they were all just like " sure no problem jess!!"

Urbj was funny tho. He was like yea i'm gonna tell them noo don't give her the job!
and then toby said that he told him after school that i was his only junior theologian. So i was honored by that.
And mrs. coan was the best. Shes more like my friend then my teacher.
Mrs. pumerantz is cool because she just understands me so well. I wouldn't know her if it wasn't for ryan. But thru him i've gotten to know her pretty well. We talked for like an hour and a half after school one time. Shes who i go to when i'm ready to break down and i can't stand parents anymore. I feel quite trusted by her.

ummm i think i forgot to say but i got my dobro!!! Sunday i played so much that my fingers were about to fall off. Its the best ever cuz i can tune it like a guitar or dobro and play it as either one. Ryan was so awesome yesterday ( not that hes not always awesome it was just really sweet lol). Eighth period he had a free so he went to the bank and then went to riccardos to pick up my lesson book. He got back by 2 and it was the best surprise ever. I felt so spoiled because i'm not used to him doing things like that. lol

"I have no self-control whatsoever. I see someone I'm mad at and I automatically forget everything I'm mad at them for and practically forgive them. It's only when they leave when I realize what an awful mistake I'm making and that it's not going to do me or the object of my annoyance any good for me to forgive them if they (or even I) have not learned anything. Still . . . it's as if I try to dehumanize them when I am mad, and the sudden realization of their obvious humanity shocks me so much that I lose all sense of rationality. Like today, for instance, I saw Jess sitting all alone in the Senior Section (despite the fact that she is a Junior . . . but that's besides the point) and I was THIS close to going over there and sitting with her, but I was a good girl and remained firm. When she comes to the realization that what she did was not some trivial thing that is to be quickly forgotten and shows at least some remorse for her actions THEN I will forgive her, but not a moment sooner." ---An excerpt from Larissa's journal.

Actually i was sitting with Mrs. Gostic (u prob. looked at me while she was telling people to throw out garbage.) We were catching up because we havn't talked in so long. Then i spent the rest of study hall talking to UrbJ. Therefore you need not pity me. I think it'll be beneficial for everyone if I just move on and make new friends. Of course if that doesn't happen i'm open to other prospects. However, i think it would be good for us. We just don't understand eachother anymore. And best friends should be able to share everything and anything. Respect and communication are the basis of a friendship and i need someone who at least understands me and my philosophies(goals in life).

and if u remember correctly i did show remorse. I told u i should not have said so much. However you should never regret in life. We grow in everything we do. so i cant regret it unless i've been ignorant. And i still think you may have overreacted. If i said something that hurt you should communicate that and face me. By ignoring me it turns it into a 4th grade squirmish and i think we are older then that. Also there are many times where you have hurt me (much more then this) and I simply forgive. Remaining angry is never productive. Wishing for a sign of remorse, though it is understandable, comes from the ego. Ego is to be conquered because it inhibits love. I'm not trying to sound cocky. I just want u to kno where i come from. These are my goals in life. And I look at all this and it seems so silly and unneccesary.


Anger is a momentary madness, so control your passion or it will control you.
- Horace


An angry man opens his mouth and shuts up his eyes.
- Cato the Elder

Anger blows out the lamp of the mind.
- Robert Green Ingersoll

To rule one's anger is well; to prevent it is still better.
- Tryon Edwards

Anger and intolerance are the twin enemies of correct understanding.
- Mahatma Gandhi